Two for Joy
by Josephine Martin
Summary: Complete! The sequel to 'One for Sorrow'. How will everyone cope with past events? And whatever happened to Riley?
1. Default Chapter

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Two for Joy

By Josephine Martin

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Disclaimer: The characters in this story belong to Joss Wheddon, Mutant Enemy, and anyone else who can prove they have a claim. I can't. If I could, season 7 might look a bit like this …..

This is effectively part two of a series I suppose I'd better call 'The Magpie Series' in deference to the rhyme which has supplied the titles so far. It continues the alternative season 7 started in 'One for Sorrow' which is archived at:

Fanfiction.net at **http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1006338**

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The Crypt at **http://lubakmetyk.hispeed.com/others/josephinem/OneForSorrow1.htm**

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Spuffy Fiction at **http://embark.to/SpuffyFiction .**

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With the Spuffy Fiction link, you need to go in using my pen name which on that site is Josephine .

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Chapter 1 – Sorrow and Joy 

For a few seconds this morning, I thought I was in heaven. I came out of a deep sleep to find myself entangled with her. Her head was on my chest, her legs entwined with mine. She looked at peace, her face so young and carefree. I felt my heart swell with happiness at finding myself with her, remembering the night just past, and the times we made love.

With that memory comes the rest. The events of earlier. The pain of knowing Dawn was gone. The tears start to form again, and another memory comes to the surface. I think it was a dream. At least, I'm sure it never actually happened. Dawn was talking to me. Her words are still clear, the tone of her voice still sharp in my head.

"You've succeeded in the first part of your task, Spike. She said you had to keep me safe, and you did. The key neutralised the energy from the orb, or at least enough of it to give us some breathing space. But, there's more you need to do. The hardest of those things is to forgive yourself. Others you'll find easier. Love her. Keep her safe. Allow her to love you. You need to be together. Only when you are truly together can you be happy, and only then can you fulfil your ultimate destiny."

Her face changed then, and she started to laugh. "Now I've said what I had to, I can get rid of the stuffy style. I love you, Spike. It won't be long until we're together again, just do as you're told for once." 

At that point, my dream Dawn jumped at me, putting her arms around my neck, and I swung her around, feeling her joy, but she faded then, and the dream was over.

I've never been much of a one for mystical purposes and all that, but I believe she's happy. I believe I'll see her again. I don't know when, or how, but I believe it. And that takes the edge off the pain.

Buffy stirs in my arms, and her eyes flutter open. I stroke some hair off her face, watching her, wondering if she's going to tell me to go.

"Morning, Pet," I whisper. I'm in awe of the fact that she spent the night in my arms, the pleasure of having her here rivalling the pleasure of what came before sleep. Her face lights up when she sees me, and I stifle a sob. As quickly as her face showed happiness, it's gone, and her eyes have taken on that look of utter loss that was in them at the shop yesterday.

"She's really gone, isn't she?" she asks, already knowing the answer.

I nod, not wanting to trust my voice.

"I dreamed about her. She told me to love you, that we could only be happy together. She said I had to forgive myself."

"Sounds like the Bit was busy last night. Had the same dream, near enough."

"She seemed happy." Her voice had a far away quality, as if she was remembering her own time in heaven.

"She said it wouldn't be long," she adds. 

We lie together in silence for a while. My mind returns to last night. I'm not too clear on what happened after Dawn was gone. I remember holding Buffy as if my life depended on it, and she was clinging to me as if the same was true of her. I remember the Watcher's voice, telling us to get up, and we were led to a car. I couldn't tell you the first thing about the car, don't know whether it was mine, his, or Xander's. Then we were here, Buffy's house, and we were led upstairs. I seem to remember trying to leave her here, in her room, but she wouldn't let go, and I don't think I fought too hard. She's my weakness. She made me forget my resolve, and I took advantage of her grief. As I think these thoughts, I almost hear Dawn again, the words aren't clear, but the meaning is. Forgive yourself.

I have no memory of getting undressed, none of her undressing, but I know we spent the night here, in her bed, making love, initially in desperation, trying to forget what had happened. But, some time during the night, things changed. From utter loss, I started to feel joy at being with her. I felt joined to her as I have never felt before. Before last night, sex between us was something somehow disjointed from the rest of my existence. It was a short time of pleasure which never really seemed to be part of my life. Last night, I gave her myself, all of me, and I felt she gave me everything in return.

I've loved her for a long time, but I never knew it could be like this.

*-*-*

I woke a few moments ago, and felt a happiness like I've never known before. It lasted until I remembered that my sister was gone. But, even then, the happiness wasn't gone, it was just tempered somehow, not so much lessened, as put into perspective. I remember my dream, and I believe she's happy. Like I was happy in heaven. And, I can't begrudge her that.

We spoke for a few moments, comparing dreams. We had the same one, and I think it was Dawn talking to us, trying to stop us from mucking up our chance of happiness.

I think about her childhood, and I realise something's missing. I remember things, her coming home from the hospital, a new baby, her first day at school, but it's as if someone told me a story, not like I was actually there. I continue rifling through my memories, getting the same feeling right up until one day when she suddenly appeared in my life. For the first time, I can pinpoint the moment when I first had a sister. It seems strange.

I jump out of bed, surprising Spike with the suddenness of my movement. He looks hurt for a moment, no doubt remembering all the times I'd run out on him after sex, and I pause, kissing his cheek, and tell him, "I'll be back in a moment, I've just got to check something."

I pull a wrap around myself, and go out into the hallway. I open Dawn's room, and it's gone. Everything that made it Dawn's room has gone. It's full of boxes, things we don't use, probably will never use. 

I didn't hear him approach, but Spike's behind me, putting his arms around my waist, nuzzling my neck with his lips, as we look at the evidence that Dawn was never real.

I hear footsteps, and Spike moves around behind me, and I realise he didn't stop to make himself decent before leaving the bedroom. Giles reaches the top of the stairs, his face reddening a little as he takes in the two of us, Spike hiding behind me.

"I thought I'd have a shower before I go home," he mutters, going into my old room. "There's coffee downstairs if you want some," he adds, opening the bedroom door.

"She's gone," I tell him, nodding behind me to the room that was hers.

"I know," he answers. "I was going to sleep in there last night, but …. I hope it was ok for me to stay. I didn't feel like leaving you. You were both, well, I wasn't sure you should be left."

"It's fine, Giles," I tell him.

"How are you?" he asks, keeping his eyes on my face, as if desperately trying not to see Spike's arms around me, his naked upper half probably much in evidence.

"Better than I thought possible," I answer truthfully, and he nods, going into the room and leaving us there.

I feel, rather than hear, the laughter building in the body behind me, the vibration starting low in his stomach, and rising slowly until I hear it explode from his lips. I can't stop myself, I join him, and before I know it, I'm giggling along with him, the sight of Giles' embarrassment making me helpless. Spike effortlessly lifts me before I crumple completely, and takes me back to my room. Our room. He places me on the bed before collapsing beside me.

A vague feeling of guilt passes through me, and I wonder how I can laugh when Dawn's gone, but no sooner does the thought come to me, than I hear her voice telling me I should just enjoy whatever happiness I can. She knows the life of the Slayer is full of loss, and she's saying to just get on with it. I know that I'm going to be looking for her, expecting to see her, complaining about her when I can't find the TV remote or a favourite sweater. I'm going to miss her, but, I'm going to do my best to live my life until she returns, in whatever form that takes.

The laughter goes on for some time, only to be replaced with passion, as I am silenced with a kiss. Some time later, I'm aware of the front door closing, and I know Giles has gone. 


	2. Chapter 2 A Watcher Considers

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Chapter 2 - A Watcher Considers

I drive away from Revello Drive feeling better than I thought I could. Last night I felt as if the world had ended. I brought Buffy and Spike back here, and heard Buffy begging Spike not to leave her. I left them in her room and went downstairs to think for a while. To think, and wish I had some of my best malt to ease the pain.

Dawn was gone. In the end, there was nothing we could do. There was no sign of Riley when we emerged from the Magic Box, and I found myself wondering where he had gone. That's something I need to find out later. I want to hear the whole story of what happened with the Orb, but the time wasn't right and I was too angry to listen.

Xander had brought Spike's car from the Magic Box, and Anya picked him up after he dropped it off. I think they were going home together, but to whose home, I have no idea.

I sat there and thought last night, listening carefully for any sound that might alert me to the two upstairs doing something stupid. Both seemed so distraught that I felt I couldn't leave the house. The thing that surprised me was that their reactions so exactly mirrored each other's. There was nothing to choose between them. It's odd, really, when you consider that Dawn was Buffy's sister, and yet she was nothing to Spike. Even if she wasn't truly Buffy's sister, we know there is a blood relationship.

The events of the night surprised me a little. Well, maybe they didn't. By the time I went upstairs to go to bed, it was quite obvious what was going on in Buffy's bedroom. After considering it for a few seconds, it seemed less surprising. I know Spike loves her, and Buffy's told me recently that she loves him. They were both upset, and they turned to one another. So, maybe it wasn't so surprising that they looked to one another for physical consolation.

It was late when I went upstairs. I wasn't sure whether the bed was made up in Buffy's old room, so I checked Dawn's first. I was exhausted by then, by grief and the lateness of the hour, and I wanted to get to sleep quickly, so I decided to make do with the room with the Boy Bands and the Parental Advisory poster. Yet, when I opened the door, it was all gone. Dawn's bed, her clothes, her posters, everything, all gone.

I must have stood in the doorway for several minutes just letting the finality of it wash through me. It wasn't just that she was gone, it was as if she had never been here. I tried to remember her, remember my earliest memories of her, and found I couldn't do it. I mean, I could remember recalling something, but it no longer seemed real. The power of the Key must have been responsible for everything we knew about Dawn's past. When it was gone, so was everything it had created.

Then there was this morning. I got up fairly early, and went downstairs to get some breakfast. I'd have preferred tea, really, but there's no proper kettle. I mean, an electric kettle's just a necessity of life, and the tea in the cupboard was fruit flavoured and herbal. I'm afraid I'm old fashioned enough to expect my tea to taste of, well, tea, not blackcurrant and rosehip. I put on some coffee instead, made some toast, and went through the routine of eating breakfast.

I heard movement above when I started to climb the stairs determined to shower, and was surprised by the sight I saw. A very naked Spike was moving behind Buffy who was, at least, clad in a wrap. They were standing in the doorway of Dawn's room, seeing what I had noticed the night before.

The appearance of Buffy's face was surprising. She looked remarkably normal. I'm not sure exactly what I expected, maybe a toned down version of the night before, a blotchy face, swollen, tear-stained eyes. But no, what I saw was acceptance. I've been proud of Buffy many times, but I don't think I've ever felt more proud of her that I did at that moment. Not that it was easy. I mean, seeing the evidence of their state of undress, and the familiarity of Spike's hands on her, was something I would really rather leave to the imagination.

When I shut the bedroom door behind them, I heard the laughter start. I had been surprised before, but I was nothing short of amazed at that. I knew the laughter was at my expense, but I didn't care. It sounded so joyful. Something in the tone of laughter reminded me of Dawn's words the night before. She told them they had to be together, that it was the only way they would be happy.

I once heard a theory, well, maybe it was more of a religious belief, that said that happiness could only be attained if you simply handed your life over to a higher power. Once you were freed from making decisions, simply letting your god take over, you could be truly happy. Now, I've never adhered to such a belief, but, if ever there was evidence of the veracity of such a concept, I think I saw it this morning.

Not that I think it will last. There are problems they both need to solve before they can be happy with one another. One night of passion can't possibly erase all that has gone on between those two. It's another thing for me to worry about. I know, I'm her Watcher, not her father, but if he hurts her ….. Even as I think that, I realise that the hurt thus far is all on the other side. Well, maybe not all, but that's the way the scale is tipped. And I remember Spike trying to leave her last night, telling her he would stay in another room, all the while his own need for her was as great as hers for him. He was willing to be there for her, but to give her space. She was the one who insisted, wouldn't let him go, and he couldn't deny her. 

I drive home, determined to change my clothes, then call the hospital. The news about Willow has been unchanged for a week. Her injuries were horrific, and she's still bandaged, so we've yet to see the evidence of the extent of her injuries, but there is apparently no reason for her to remain unconscious. They're hopeful that she will come round eventually, and I've been waiting for the first sign so I can do what I must.

The coven already knew that she had succumbed to the dark side of her nature when I contacted them. They have a member ready to travel here at the first sign of a recovery. 

I wish I knew what happened with Willow. I'm sure it wasn't as simple as it seemed, but without having had the chance to talk to Willow, I just don't know. 

I pull on clean clothes gratefully, and make some tea before sitting down with the phone in my hand. As an afterthought, I put the phone down, and go into the dining room where Willow's lap-top sits as she left it.

When we first returned from England, and we heard that Spike was going to be working at the High School, Willow hacked into the school computer to find out what his personnel record said. It was surprisingly detailed, giving him an employment history appropriate to his apparent age. I remember what she did, and I decide to try to find out what the records on Dawn are now. I may not like computers, but I'm not stupid. I manage to get into the database surprisingly quickly, but, maybe the fact that it's Saturday has something to do with it. 

I check the student roll, and there's no sign of a Dawn Summers. Apparently she's been erased from the collective memory of the school. I wonder how it was done. Was she simply obliterated, as in, never really existed, or has there been a plausible explanation for her disappearance. I check the historical records, and it looks like she simply never existed.

It occurs to me that if Dawn's gone, there's no reason for Buffy and Spike to work at the school. I look up their personnel records, and I'm relieved to note that they are both still employees of the school. At least Buffy doesn't have to worry about money for a while. And, if there's no record of her having had a sister, there's no explanation to be made for her disappearance.

I log off the computer, and pick up the phone, dialling the number I now know by heart.

"Good morning, I'm enquiring about the condition of Miss Willow Rosenberg," I tell the voice who answers. "It's Rupert Giles."

"Ah, Mr. Giles, I'm glad you called. We tried to contact you last night, but there was no reply. Miss Rosenberg's parents, as you know, requested that you be the primary contact for the hospital while they were out of the country on business, and there has been a significant change in her condition. She's not conscious yet, but she's showing distinct signs that she's improving. It would help her immensely if there were a friendly voice for her to hear as she wakes. Of course, she won't be able to see anything, as her eyes are still completely bandaged."

"That's good news," I say, "I'll be there soon. Has Mr. Harris contacted you this morning?"

"No, yours is the first call today."

"I see," I reply before ending the call.

I check my watch. It's already ten thirty, so it'll be seven thirty in the evening in England. I dial the number for the coven, and I'm put through to my main contact there. The call is short, simply a request for the service we suspected would be needed. Someone is coming to remove Willow's power. I'm doing it with a heavy heart, because she's already so damaged, so injured, that it makes her physical recovery even less likely than it is now, and that's without the possibility of psychological damage. But there is no option.

I call Xander, but get no reply. I call the Magic Box, and Anya answers in her own inimitable manner.

"Magic Box, where all your Magical needs are met." 

"Good morning, Anya," I reply. "It's Rupert. Is Xander there?"

"No," she answers, but it's obvious she's not planning on saying more.

"Can you tell me where I might reach him? I tried his home, but there was no reply."

There's silence for a few seconds. Her resolve crumbles, and she answers.

"He's at my place. Do you have the number?"

I confirm that I do, indeed, have that number.

I dial, and after several rings, a very sleepy Xander answers.

"Good morning," I begin. "It's Giles."

"Morning, G Man," he answers remarkably brightly. His voice immediately changes to something a good deal more sober.

"How is she?"

"Buffy? Better than I'd ever have thought possible. Tell me, how do you remember Dawn?"

He stutters a little at the question, then there's silence.

"I remember the recent stuff, but all the memories of before, they're gone. I mean, I remember having the memories, but they don't seem real any more." His voice sounds nothing short of amazed.

"Exactly. Now that the Key is gone, the memories created about Dawn have gone too. It's the same for Buffy. I think that's making things more … bearable. Spike too."

"What happened about him last night? Did he go home eventually?"

"No, he stayed. Buffy wouldn't let him go."

"But, he slept in another room, didn't he?" He sounds like he's begging for agreement.

"No, as I said, Buffy wouldn't let him go. They spent the night together."

"He took advantage of her! I thought he was changing, but I was wrong. He .."

"He didn't take advantage. If anything, that's what she did. He tried to leave her, but she wouldn't listen. She loves him. He loves her. They took whatever solace was available. I'm not sure I think it's a viable relationship, but their actions were eminently comprehensible."

"And you didn't stop this because?"

"Because they are two adults." My voice had become louder. "Because no one was forced to do anything. Because it's really none of my business. And, that's not why I called."

That seemed to take a while to sink in.

"It wasn't?"

"No, I called because of Willow. I called the hospital, and they say there's been an improvement. She's not awake, but they think she's getting closer. They want her to have someone there. I'm going soon, but it'd be good to have some company, …."

"Of course," he muttered. "I'll shower and meet you there."

I pottered about the flat for a few minutes, washing up my dishes, tidying. In truth I was making sure I wouldn't have to spend too long alone with Willow. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but seeing her, so tiny, even swathed in bandages as she is, she seems so tiny - so helpless, it's heartbreaking. Then there's the whole guilt thing. I fought to have her back home. And, she tried to kill Dawn. If she had succeeded, …. I don't think I could have lived with the guilt. 

I had delayed as long as I reasonably could, and I slipped on my jacket to leave. My hand was actually on the doorknob when the phone rang. I picked up, and heard Anya's voice on the other end. Never one for preamble, she launched straight into the point of the call.

"I've just had a visit from the military. Military police they called themselves. They're looking for Riley. Apparently he's gone AWOL, and they're looking for anyone who might hide him. They got wind of him coming here yesterday, and now they're on their way to your place. I got the impression they're also sending someone to Buffy's. I called her first."

"Riley, AWOL? I muse into the phone. I suppose grief might do that. Grief and guilt." I snap back to reality. "What did you tell them?"

"Well, I didn't tell them about Dawn being the Key and being swallowed up by a source of purple energy! I just said he was here, and he muttered something about his wife, but didn't make sense. I said he left. Which is all true as far as it goes."

"Good," I reply, my thoughts racing. "Do me a favour, Anya. See if you can reach Xander before he gets to the hospital. Let him know what's happening."

I'm interrupted by a knock on the door. "It looks as thought I might be delayed." 


	3. Chapter 3 Emerging into Reality

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Chapter 3 - Emerging into Reality

The phone rings, and I'm wakened from the sort of drowse you wish would last forever. You know the feeling. You're not sure even you **can** move. I don't know for sure how long it's been ringing when I stretch out an arm to pick it up. Of course, I had to extricate said arm from around Spike first. 

"Yes?" 

"Buffy, it's Anya. Did I wake you? Because, if I did, you'd better get your ass moving quickly. There's someone on their way over to talk to you about Riley and hostile 17."

My sleep and pleasure befuddled brain takes several seconds to understand the words. That's not helped by the way Spike's moving his hand around my body. "Riley. Hostile 17," I parrot. 

I'm brought to full wakefulness by Spike's reaction to my words. He tenses, and rolls onto the other side of the bed. I know he's remembering the things the Initiative did to him.

"What happened? Why's someone coming to talk about Riley?"

There's a pause, and I know she's wondering what to tell me, I can almost hear the measuring and weighing going on in her mind. She comes to a decision.

"He was at the shop yesterday. He saw what happened to Dawn. He said the same thing killed Sam, and he was responsible."

I'm trying to process that. "Why don't I remember him there?"

"Buffy, Dawn was being annihilated. You wouldn't 've known if the building had fallen down."

I'm nodding, then realise that's not exactly an effective means of communicating on the phone. "How was he responsible?" She did say that, didn't she?

"He was doing some tests on something. He called it a sphere."

"The Orb of Fire. Are you telling me he destroyed the Orb of Fire?"

"He wasn't too clear, but I think that's what he meant."

"But ..."

"Buffy, you don't have time for this now. You've got to work out what to tell whoever comes."

"Ok," I manage. "Any idea of how long we've got?"

"No, I think someone different's coming to you. I just told the one I saw the basics of Riley's visit yesterday. He came, he didn't make much sense and he left."

"Thanks, Anya," I reply, pulling myself out of bed. 

Spike's already up and pulling on his jeans. He's watching me, though, waiting for the details.

"Anya's just had a visit from some MPs looking for Riley. She says someone's on their way here too. She said Sam's dead, because of the Orb of Fire, and that Riley was responsible for destroying it."

Spike's looking bereft again. I mean, I know how he feels. For a few hours it was almost bearable, now, it's all back. And if Riley's responsible ... 

"And they know about Hostile Bloody Seventeen,' he says bitterly.

Spike's pulling on a shirt now, but the tension in his body is evident in every move. I'm torn between the need to dress and the desire to make him relax. I snake my arms around him, but he shrugs me away. I'm hurt, but I tell myself he's being sensible. We need to dress and be ready before anyone gets here.

"You stay up here," I offer. "If they know about Hostile 17, you'll be safer up here."

"No."

"What do you mean no?"

"It's a simple word. Means the opposite of yes. I'm going to be with you. I'm finished with hiding from the Initiative. We'll both pass a cursory check, and beyond that, you're no more human than I am."

I nod. "And then?"

"Then, I find Riley Finn, and I kill him."

It's said with such coldness that I feel an icy draught around my heart. But, something inside me isn't repulsed. It's swelling within me, supporting the feeling.

"No."

He looks at me. I get the feeling he's surprised at the expression on my face.

"No," I repeat. "Then **we** find Riley Finn and kill him."

There's no joy in the smile he gives me. There's acceptance, there's agreement, but no joy.

I dress quickly, pulling a brush through my hair and scraping it back off my face. I hear a knock at the door, and I run from the room, with Spike right behind me.

I open the door, and there are two people there. They're in uniform, and one of them is flashing some sort of ID at me. He's tall, dark, bulky and instantly recognisable for what he is. His companion's standing behind him. She's average height, slim, mid-brown hair, also in uniform.

"I'm Major Simon Westgate, and this is Captain Angela Dawson. We're investigating some recent events, and, in particular the disappearance of one Riley Finn. We believe you may be able to shed some light on our investigation."

"And what other events are you investigating?"

"I'm not at liberty to discuss that," he manages. "May we come in?" I stand back, and gesture them inside. I show them into the lounge, and Spike's already there, lounging on the sofa, everything about his posture a challenge.

"Good day, Miss Summers, Mr... ?" he begins, looking at Spike. Spike says nothing, so I intercede.

"William Prescott."

"Mr. Prescott."

He holds out a hand to Spike, but Spike ignores it. I suppose he's had longer to get used to ignoring the social rituals humans use to keep things civilised.

They both sit, I drop down onto the sofa beside Spike, and Westgate pulls out a notebook from his brief case before continuing.

"As I said, I'm investigating a couple of things. There was an ... incident, yesterday at a local military installation. I'm not at liberty to discuss the details, but I can tell you there were a number of fatalities. One of them was Riley Finn's wife, Sam."

He stops, obviously looking for a reaction. He doesn't get one, unless you count the way Spike clenches his fists.

"Finn was the only person who observed the incident and actually survived, and we are anxious to debrief him, but I'm sorry to say he's disappeared. He was seen walking towards town, and going into a local store."

He consults his notebook and checks the detail.

"The Magic Box. He was seen entering this store, but there have been no reported sightings of him after that. Were you present when he arrived?"

I take a deep breath. As I do, I notice Dawson. She's watching Spike closely. I can see that Spike's noticed, and there's a puzzled look on his face. Enough of that, I need to answer the question since Spike seems to have decided to keep quiet.

"Yes, I believe we were there. I, we were rather upset at the time. Spike and I, we'd had a row, and we were trying to sort things out between us. It was a bit intense, but, yeah, he was there. He didn't make much sense. I think he said something about Sam, but I really didn't take it in."

"He told you his wife was dead, and you didn't take it in?"

"He wasn't making much sense. I thought maybe he'd been drinking or something like that."

I can see he doesn't believe me, but he doesn't press the issue.

"And you, Mr. Prescott?"

"The same. Like she said, all I was aware of was Buffy."

Westgate turns back towards me.

"And, when did Finn leave?"

"I'm not sure, I just didn't pay him much attention."

He glances at Spike who provides a nod of agreement.

"I see. Tell me, Miss Summers. What exactly was your relationship with Riley Finn?"

"There was no relationship. We were together for a while. He left. I've only seen him once since then unless you count very recently. He came back with Sam."

"And recently?"

"He and Sam came round here. We ... we argued. I found out he'd been lying to me about something. Something important."

"Can you be more specific?"

"It was a private matter."

"I see."

"No, you don't bloody see, mate." Spike's accent seems more grating than usual. "She said it was private, so it's none of your business."

"I beg your pardon, Mr. Prescott, but if it has some bearing on the matter I'm investigating, then it is not private."

"It had nothing to do with your investigation." Spike's voice has more of the nature of a growl than a human voice. I flash him a look, and place my hand over his fist, pleading with him to calm down.

"Very well," Westgate continues. "I'll accept that for the moment. Now, Miss Summers, perhaps you can answer a question that's been intriguing me since I picked up this case. You tell me that you and Finn were together, but he left, and there was no relationship. Can you tell me, then, why it is, that even when he got married, he kept your name as a contact in case anything happened to him? He removed his parents from his list, and replaced them with his wife, but you remained. Why would he do that if there was no relationship?"

What can I say to that?

"I had no idea," I manage.

"You don't know why he wanted you to be informed if something happened to him?"

"No, he didn't tell me I was a contact for that. Even when we were together."

"I see. Miss Summers, I'm going to ask one further question. Please answer this truthfully, as any attempt to thwart this investigation could have serious consequences for you. Do you know the whereabouts of Riley Finn?"

"No," I state.

"Are you sure?" He's looking at me, trying to detect a lie. "Are you certain you're not just afraid Mr. Prescott won't like the idea that Finn turned to you?"

Spike buts in. "You're bloody right Mr. Prescott wouldn't like that idea. But it doesn't matter, because she doesn't know where he is. Got it?" I can see Spike is one moment away from attacking Westgate, but doing his best to keep calm.

Westgate ignores Spike, and he's still looking at me.

"I've got no information on where he is. He left the Magic Box, and I haven't seen him since. Unless he's still got friends at UCS, I've no idea of who else he might have turned to. And, the friends I knew about were all Initiative, and I'm sure you know them better than I do."

Westgate sighs deeply. He's obviously far from satisfied with what I've told him, but, short of calling me a liar, there's not much he can do right now. 

There's a short pause, and Westgate speaks again. "The other matter I'm investigating came to light as a result of some papers we found in Finn's quarters. In those he details the fact that he met a known fugitive, a monster code-named Hostile 17. He claimed he was living in Sunnydale, under your protection, when he visited some months ago. More recent entries imply that he is still around, and still under your protection. Aside from the incident I mentioned earlier, I am concerned that Finn has somehow fallen victim to this hostile, and I want to know where he is. Do you know the whereabouts of Hostile 17?"

He's looking at me, so I answer him. "No."

"I have to say, that the records on this creature, this vampire, describe him as being rather like you, Mr. Prescott. And, finding you with Miss Summers, I have to say it all seems curious. I'd like to try a simple experiment, if you will? Mr. Prescott, would you like to accompany me outside? I understand that vampires have a certain intolerance to sunlight, and it would be a simple way to prove that it is all just a coincidence."

Spike growls. "Don't see why I should have to prove anything to you," he mutters.

"In that case," Westgate replies with a smug grin, "I'll really have to insist that you accompany me back to HQ for questioning."

"Not going anywhere, but if it'll get you off my back, I'll take a walk in the sunshine for you." Spike makes it clear that he's doing this under duress, but I heave a sigh of relief.

The two men walk outside together, leaving Dawson with me. 

"How long have you known Mr. Prescott?" she asks, with an air of it having no importance.

"Don't know. A bit less than five years?" I reply, mentally adding it up.

"And, does he live here?"

"I really don't see how my living arrangements are your business, but no, he has his own apartment."

She nods, and manages to give the impression that she's understood much more than I intended to tell her.

The two men return, and Westgate's apologising to Spike. "You must just have a similar face," he mutters, turning to his colleague. She stands, and the two of them walk to the door. Spike remains in the lounge, leaving me to show them out.

Once we're at the door, Westgate speaks quietly, obviously to say something not for Spike's ears. "Very well, we'll leave this matter. I'll leave you my cell number. Please call me if you have contact with Finn. It's vitally important that we speak to him. For his own sake, too. Man's just lost his wife, and he probably saw it. He's going to need counselling."

When they're gone, I return to the lounge to find Spike prowling the length of the room.

"Spike," I say, softly, not fully understanding his mood.

"She's one of them," he growls.

"One of who?"

"She was one of the ones who put the bloody chip in my head."

Instinctively, I approach him, putting my arms around his waist. He stiffens, and for a second I think he's going to pull away, but he doesn't. Instead he puts his chin on the top of my head, and I feel him take a shuddering breath.

"Seeing her, didn't even remember her until I saw her. Sent me back to right after the chip. Feeling helpless. The rage inside."

"It's ok, Spike. We'll do what we have to. And, we'll do it together." 

He nods. "We will, but, .."

He pulls away. "Sorry, Buffy. I need, I need some time. I need to sort things out in my own head. I can't, not with you here."

With that, he's gone. I hear his car start up. Alone, I feel the sorrow descending on me again. Dawn's gone, and the peace I felt lying in his arms this morning suddenly seems so long ago. I curl myself up on the sofa and the tears start again. 


	4. Chapter 4 Haunting Memories

****

Chapter 4 - Haunting Memories

I hear the screams all the time. I haven't slept, just watched. It reminds me of something, standing here, outside her house. Someone else used to do it, but I can't remember who, exactly. Come to that, I can't remember much other than the screams and the way she looked as the flesh melted from her bones.

There are two hers. Names are too difficult, I just remember faces. There's the one who screamed, and there's the one who cried. I saw her crying, but she didn't see me. Too wrapped up in the monster who held her. Somehow, I know he's responsible for it all. He took the one who cried from me, and I think he's responsible for the one who screamed. She's gone, and I'll never get her back. The other one, I think she might belong to me again. I just have to do it right.

I think back on what I've seen. The one who cried left the store, and came here. She had the monster with her. She spent the night with him. I heard them, doing things, things I used to do with her, and it sickened me. That she could be like that with a corpse. They had visitors this morning. They were looking for me, but they didn't find me. I wanted them to just not see me, and they didn't. It made me smile.

I wonder why my back is so sore. Right in the middle of my back, it feels like I've been burned. It's his fault, the monster's. I don't know how he did it, but I know that everything bad in the world is his fault.

He leaves in the morning. After the others. I follow. As I do, I feel something trying to get into my mind. Something's crying about the horror of what I've seen. Something's trying to tell me that my thoughts are no longer my own, that something's taking over my mind. I quash such thoughts. They're trying to confuse me, trying to make me lose my purpose. I will not. I will be strong against the monster. First him, then the one who cries. The one who betrayed me, and the whole of humanity, by being with him.

*-*-*

I make it home, and I feel numb. That face brought back things I didn't even know I happened. They did more than just put a chip in me. Somehow, they fixed it so I didn't remember. At least, not until I saw her face. 

How could they make me forget? I try to put it together, order it logically. I remember, after I escaped from the Initiative, I didn't know I'd been chipped. I tried to kill Willow, but the chip stopped me. But, I did know. Seeing that face, I remembered. I was strapped to a trolley. Bright lights. Operating theatre, I suppose. They opened my skull and put the chip in. No anaesthetic. They needed me to be conscious so they could measure my response to various stimuli. 

She - Dawson - she didn't fit the chip. She wasn't the one with the knife or the drill. She was the one with the controls to it. She was the one who flipped the switches, turning on the pain, giving me pleasure. It worked both ways. 

After they closed me up, they threw me into a cell, and experimented. Sent in a human, so I could attack. I was maddened with hunger, but when I attacked, my head exploded. The pain, so bad, I fell to the floor, clutching my head. When they were sure I was safe, they tried other experiments. 

They left me in a room with a man. Human, although you'd hardly have known. So far gone with drink or drugs, I don't think he'd had a coherent thought in years. I knew what'd happen if I attacked, so, hungry as I was, I left him alone, keeping my distance, but even so, the smell was inescapable.

Then, there was a buzzing in my ear, and I saw, in my mind, what they wanted to do. I saw me, hitting him. I ignored the vision, and the pain hit. I don't know how many times I saw that vision, got hit with the pain, until I did it. I hit him. Then, the pleasure. After that, it got worse. Their suggestions became more and more barbaric. And, I know barbaric. I lived with Angelus.

I don't know how long it went on. After a while, I just did as I was told. Anything to stop the pain. Of course, it didn't help that I was starving. When they did feed me, there was something in the blood. I knew that from the first taste, but I got zapped if I didn't drink. So, I drank.

When the man was dead, they moved on. They brought my next victim to my cell. It was Buffy. Or, I thought it was. They'd gagged her, tied her up. I got my instructions, and I carried them out, all the time, my brain told me I shouldn't do it, that I loved her. And, all the time, there was nothing I could do. They were controlling me, by more than just the chip, I'm sure of it. The drugs took my ability to resist. I could only follow instructions. And I did. By this time, there was no pain, and no pleasure. I just did as I was told, completely unable to stop. There was just the vision, and my own actions bringing it to life. I don't know how long I visited horror upon her. I have no idea. When they'd finished with me, they allowed me to drink from her. I did, but one sip and I knew it wasn't Buffy, it wasn't even human. Even so, I had no choice but to drink her dry. As she died, she reverted to her own form. Geminar demon. Shape shifter. Don't know how they persuaded her to keep that form through everything I did to her. Suspect, the same way they made me do what I did.

I lie on my bed fully clothed. I'm trying to make sense of the memories. How? And, why can I only remember now? I take deep breaths, willing my panic and nausea to recede. Instead another memory assails me, and I lurch to the bathroom, and throw up in the toilet. It leaves me feeling clammy and shocked, and I go back to my bedroom and throw myself back down on the bed, willing the images to go.

I don't know how, but I manage to drift off to sleep. My last thought is the relief that I'll spend a little time without those memories.

__

I'm in a garden. It's like the one at home when I grew up. There are rose bushes surrounding the area, and the smell's glorious. Those days, roses actually smelled of roses. I look around, and she's there again. The glowing girl. Still, it makes a difference from Dawn haunting my dreams.

She's sitting on the grass, and she's got a pile of blown roses by her side, and she's patiently stripping the petals off them, and putting them into a jar.

"I'm going to make some rose water," she tells me, beckoning me to sit beside her. 

I join her on the grass, lying back to feel the gentle sun on my face. It's not California sun, just the pleasant warmth of an English summer, maybe seventy-five degrees, certainly not more.

"They're cheating, you know."

I look at her in surprise.

"Who's cheating?"

"Those you have to defeat. They're trying to steal your mind, trying to keep you apart. You can't let them."

"Don't understand. And who do I have to defeat? You said, go back, keep Dawn safe. Been there, tried to do that. Didn't do much of a job, but I tried."

"Stubborn vampire," she growls. Then she giggles. "Well, not a vampire any more. But you're still stubborn. Listen. You did what I asked you to do. You kept Dawn safe, but the balance was upset. The Orb of Fire disintegrated before the Key was powerful enough to completely destroy its malign influence. Somewhere, it's hiding, growing, waiting for its chance. You must destroy what's left before it becomes too strong."

"But Dawn?"

"Dawn is happy. She's where she should be, waiting for her time on the earth to begin."

"She's really coming back?"

"Really."

I let that news sink in. There was a time I didn't need to hear good news so often before I believed it. 

"So, who's cheating?"

"Those who want the evil of the Orb to destroy the earth."

"Who are they?"

"That's not clear at present. But, they're using humans as their agents. It may be the influence of the Orb, or it may be something else. Something caused you to remember things you didn't before."

It's like a physical pain. A wave of nausea joins it as the memory comes back.

"It wasn't you," she whispers.

"Bloody was," I snarl at her. "Just didn't remember before."

She holds out a hand, and strokes my temple. I shy away from the touch. I'm evil, and I don't deserve to be touched like that, with gentleness and care. Just like I don't deserve what happened last night. She puts her hand back, whispering, "Relax, William. Let it out; cry if you have to. Just remember, it wasn't her, and it wasn't you, not really."

The next thing I know is that the glowing child is holding me as I sob. I feel such an idiot, crying like this, but I can't stop.

"To them, it was just an experiment, the first step in a plan to try to turn creatures like you into perfect fighting machines. First, they stopped you hurting humans. Then, they wanted to control you, to make you kill where they wanted it, to terrify those who opposed them."

"How can I believe that?" I ask. "I've done other things, terrible things. Why not this too?"

"Because, you were controlled. Everything you did as a vampire was either for survival, or for love. Because that's who you are. You love with everything you are, and that's the part of you we need now. We need you to love. Harder still, we need you to accept love. Your role in this isn't over because the Key is gone. You're all but immortal, and that should give you an indication of how long we're going to need you."

I'm too shocked by the recent images in my mind to respond. I know, as soon as this dream's over, I'll come up with exactly the right answer to refute everything she's said, but it'll be too late.

Her hand's on my shoulder, gently reassuring, and I raise my head for a last look at the garden. Two magpies are frolicking in the centre of the lawn. It reminds me of the rhyme. 

'One for Sorrow,

Two for Joy."

The image fades.

I wake to the sound of someone hammering on my door. I jump up, befuddled from the sudden wakening. I lurch to the door, and open it, to find Buffy outside. She's looking unsure, as if I'm not going to welcome her.

"Come in," I manage, standing back to let her enter. She comes in, and she looks so scared. Her eyes are red too. She's been crying again. I want to hold her, but the memories come back, and I freeze. Then I hear the explanation in my mind. They're cheating.

I see her, and guilt assails me again. "I'm sorry," I mumble.

She looks surprised. "I ran off, when you needed me. I'm sorry."

She's shaking her head. "No, I'm sorry," she replies.

Now I'm confused.

"I **did** do the whole self-pity bit when you left. Then, I realised. There was something going on. Something I didn't understand. You told me once; it isn't always about me. I should've made you tell me. You've always listened to me, I should've done the same thing."

"No, I can't … "

She's looking confused. "Can't what? Tell me? Why not?"

I'm silent, and I feel her confusion turning to anger. It's better. Anger, I can understand. It's what I deserve. 

"Spike, you're scaring me. Tell me what's wrong."

I swallow convulsively. I'm not sure I can speak.

"Spike, tell me. You don't have the option to just not share. It doesn't work that way. You're scared, I can feel it. Why? What's got you so spooked? I need to know."

I suppose she does, at that. I motion for her to sit on a chair, and I sit at the opposite end of the room. She doesn't understand, but she soon will.

I take a couple of deep breaths, and I'm surprised at the shuddering in my chest as I do so. Slowly, haltingly, I stumble through the story. The memories. I describe what I did in detail, keeping myself detached from the story, 'cos if I don't, I won't be able to go on.

I can't look at her as I speak. I keep my eyes on my knees, or on the floor, anywhere but on her. As I get to the part where I describe what I did to her, or to someone I thought was her, I sense her moving. I know she's moving away, towards the door, leaving me forever.

At last, I'm silent. I can't say any more. I'm startled when I feel a hand on my chin. She's kneeling in front of me, raising my face. She's looking into my eyes, forcing me to hold her gaze.

"Spike," she whispers. "You have nothing to feel guilty about. You were being controlled. It wasn't you."

"Buffy, I'm dangerous. I did those things, to you, and … "

"You did things they forced you to do. They used the chip, and you don't have that any more. You're no more dangerous than you were before you remembered."

She's taking my hands in hers, and I'm shaking. I want to believe her. I want it so much. 

"Spike, I love you. You've done things you regret, I know that. But, this time, you're the victim, just as much as those you were forced to hurt."

I can't help myself. I put my arms around her, pulling her head into my lap. Slowly, I relax. Once I realise how tense I was, I consciously relax muscles, feeling the ache that remains. We stay like that for some time. Gradually, anger replaces the fear and guilt. She's right. I was violated. The anger grows, and it makes me feel better. Powerful.

I raise my head, and look at her. I love her so much. "I think it was the chip," I tell her. "I think they used the chip to control me, but I'm not sure. It could have been something else. The drugs, memories, something. Promise me. If I ever hurt you, don't give me a second chance. Stop me. Please, promise me? Just in case it ever happens again."

Her initial expression is doubtful, as if she doesn't want to agree, but in the end, she nods. "I promise."

I look at her. So small, so powerful. So beautiful, so strong. She's my whole world. "You're amazing," I tell her.

"I seem to remember you said that once before," she smiles back at me.

I scan my memory for the occasion, and it comes back to me. We were lying under a carpet in my crypt. It was the closest we'd come to a real conversation. And, she didn't like my reasoning then.

"I didn't mean it like that, it's just, I thought you'd be so disgusted, you'd leave. I was so sure I'd lost you, forever this time. And, you're still here."

"Duh? Where else would I be? You've told me you won't leave. Now, I'm going to tell you something. You're stuck with me too. I'm not going anywhere, unless I can go with you."

I think back to when I last told her she was amazing. Then, I burned with love for her. So, why does my love then feel so insipid compared to what I feel now?

"Last time, I was wrong. You're not an animal."

"Well, still not sure I like the animal description, but you were right. I wasn't human then, and, what we did to each other was amazing. But, last night was better."

She needs me to agree with her, but how can she doubt how I feel?

"Last night was the most wonderful experience of my life," I reassure her. "I mean, Dawn, well I thought nothing'd ever make me smile again, but you did. You made me happier than I've ever been. I'm just sorry I couldn't put my own needs aside and do what was best for you. I should have left, let you sort out how you feel."

"You're what was best for me. I needed you last night like I've never needed anything or anyone. I don't know where we're going now, but I still need you."

"Me too," I whisper, kissing her forehead. "But, we should take this slowly. I mean, not rush into things. We need to do things together, other than shagging and fighting. 'Cos, if that' all we've got in common, it won't work."

She's nodding. Then she stops as something occurs to her. "I hope that doesn't mean I don't get to spend tonight with you, 'cos I'm not sure I'm ready to be alone yet."

"If you're not ready, Pet, then, I'll be glad to stay. Truth is, I'm not much for my own company right now either."

I glance at my watch, and I see it's about time for patrol. "Fancy a bit of violence?"

She grins at me. Yeah, my girl's always up for a bit of violence. She plants a kiss on my lips, then pulls away. I head for my own stash of weapons, and when we're both suitably equipped, we head out. 


	5. Chapter 5 Awakening in the Dark

****

Chapter 5 - Awakening in the Dark

It's been two days since they told us Willow was waking. So far, all we've seen are a few twitches, and we've heard a single moan. It's worrying. We just don't know what sort of shape she's going to be in when she wakes.

We've been thrown out of her room, as they're changing dressings. Xander's sitting beside me, and I know he's desperate to leave. Between his new-found relationship with Anya and his natural dislike of hospitals, he's not comfortable, but he is loyal. He can be irritating, ignorant, idiotic, but he's loyal. He's here because it's Willow.

"Go home, Xander," I tell him. "I doubt anything's going to happen tonight, and I'm planning on staying a bit longer. Go and see Anya."

His face lights up at the prospect, then falls again as he feels he can't do it. 

"It's ok, Xander. I'll be here, and I'll let you know if anything happens."

He bounds up, and I get the irresistible picture of a huge puppy, complete with wagging tail, who knows he's going for a good, long walk. I haven't had that picture from Xander for a while, not since High School.

"Thanks, Giles," he mutters, but his thoughts have already left the hospital. He's gone.

I sigh with relief. When I'm sure he's gone, I go to the public telephone. I had to wait until the right time, and the right time would never be while Xander's here. I call my home, and Jenna answers. She's on her way.

She arrived in the country yesterday, and she's staying at my flat. She's one of the most senior members of the coven, and she's been sent to attempt to remove Willow's power. I know Xander will ask questions, maybe he'll even already know about the risks involved in the procedure we're planning, and try to stop it. He's too trusting.

While I'm waiting, a posse of staff come out of Willow's room, and they're muttering among themselves. I'm concerned, particularly when the doctor approaches me. "Mr. Giles," he starts, and I suspect it's going to be bad news.

"Miss Rosenberg, it's very unexpected, of course, and I really can't explain it."

"Spit it out, man. Is she dead? Is that what's going on?"

"No, … no. As you know, we had to change her dressings. It's policy in cases such as these to disturb the injury as little as possible, but we had to redress the burns. But, it doesn't need dressing."

"What do you mean?"

"Perhaps it'd be best if you just come and see."

He leads me into the room where I last saw Willow swathed in white, totally unrecognisable. The bandages are gone. Willow looks …. Well, not normal. Her skin looks to be healing from terrible injury, but that's just it. She's healing. Her face and hands are red and angry looking, but the skin's complete. 

"What?" I manage.

"I wish I knew," mutters the doctor. "I've been treating burns for twenty years, ten of them in Sunnydale, and I've seen some damn funny things, but I've never seen a case like this."

I nod, and sit beside the bed. If I was worried before, I'm petrified now. I imagine the power that must have been expended to achieve this healing, all of it unconsciously directed, and I admit I'm scared.

I'm relieved when Jenna arrives. She listens in silence to what I tell her, then asks if she can be alone with Willow. I agree. In truth, what I really want is to run away from this. I've felt like that before, of course. Every time there's an impending apocalypse, I want to run. I don't, though, because there's always the possibility that I'll actually make a difference. Instead I go to the phone and call Buffy. There's no reply at her house, so I call Spike's, hoping they're not out on patrol. Of course, if they are, I'll have to decide whether or not to disturb that. Fortunately, I don't have to decide. They're at Spike's. Now that I think about it, they're mainly at Spike's these days. I think Buffy finds it easier not to be in the house she shared with Dawn. I explain what's happened, and what's going to happen. I ask if they can come to the hospital. If the worst comes to the worst, I'm not sure they can help, but it'll make me feel better. 

Jenna takes a long time. I'm surprised that no one from the hospital approaches Willow's room, and assume that's Jenna's doing. At last, she appears in the doorway, and I know she's concerned.

"I took the opportunity to try to find out where we went wrong," she tells me. "I went into her memories. I know what happened. Something, and she doesn't have a clear memory of what it was, something force-fed her magical energy. Then, she was sent right back to her memories of after Tara died - to the depths of her despair. She felt the suffering of the world all over again. She decided to end the world, and somehow, she thought that killing this, Dawn, would achieve that. Now, I don't understand parts of it, but that seems to be what happened."

I nod. It makes sense. There was no reason for Willow to go dark again, none. If someone used her memories against her, made everything fresh again, that makes sense.

"So, can you help her?"

She sighs deeply. "I don't know. The magic's still there, that must be what's responsible for the healing. I can take that magic, there's no question of that. The problem is, how do I describe this? You know that every living creature has somewhere inside them where magic can be stored. For most people, the magic stored in so tiny, it only becomes evident at a time of great need, or maybe it never becomes evident. Others, like Willow, have a huge reservoir. Normally the power has to come from the earth, or from a dark source, but, because she can store a large amount, she is incredibly powerful. We've had some success before now with shrinking the reservoir. We remove the magic that's there, and shrink the reservoir so that they can never gather so much power again. The records of the coven provide us with details on every time it's been done. But, something happened to Willow. It's as if her reservoir's been stretched. It's so huge, like a balloon, it's been blown up to many times its original size. I can try, as the agent for the coven, to shrink it, but it's not going to be enough. I can take the magic, but the reservoir will still be there, and it'll still allow her to become incredibly powerful."

I take this in. "What could have done such a thing?"

"I have no idea. There are no records that it has ever happened before."

"I see," I murmur. "How do you 'shrink' the reservoir?"

"Well, obviously, we can't actually shrink it. What we do, is we fill it with useless magic. The sort of magic that needs something else to allow it to be used, something that doesn't exist on the earth. The problem is, there is nothing huge enough to use for Willow. I'll do what I can, but …."

"I understand. And, the psychological damage?"

"After what she's been through recently, I think any damage caused by what I'm going to do will be insignificant. She'll almost certainly need counselling, if not psychiatric help after her recent trauma."

"Do you need my help in any way?" I ask, giving my indirect agreement.

"No, it'll be simpler if you just wait here."

I nod, and she's gone. I take my seat again, and within moments, I feel the surge of magic. It's making my skin tingle, my hair seem to stand out from my body. I'm convinced that someone's going to come, want to know what's happening, but the area seems deserted. That in itself is unusual.

I'm watching the clock opposite me, and I can't believe ten minutes could last so long. I tense as I hear the lift doors open, convinced I'm going to have to stop someone investigating, but it's Buffy and Spike. I heave a sigh of relief, and explain what's happened. 

The company is so welcome. I never thought I'd think in terms of Spike's company being welcome, but when I think of the two times we've lost one of them - Buffy or now Dawn, it seems he just became one of us. Even more this time than last time. I can't deny the difference he's made to Buffy.

There's not a lot of conversation once I've explained what's happening. We sit there together, in a line. They probably don't even realise it, but they've been touching the whole time. Nothing unsuitable for public consumption, just hand holding, head on shoulder, arm around shoulder, gently rubbing the back of a hand. I wonder why I even notice. Maybe it's just the contrast with before. 

I'm just thinking about going into Willow's room anyway, when the tingling starts to die down. I'm immediately on my feet, and my companions are too. We move towards the door as one, and the door swings open to welcome us. We file in, I'm in the lead despite a bit of jockeying for position. All three of us seemed to feel we should go in first.

The sight before me causes my breath to catch in my throat for a second. Jenna's lying crumpled on the floor at the foot of the bed, and Willow's sitting bolt upright, her eyes wide open. I run towards Jenna, unsure what's wrong with her, and Buffy takes her cue from me. She goes to the bed, and I hear her calling gently "Will?"

I check Jenna, and I'm relieved to find she's still breathing. I hope it's just overexertion from the spell, but I'm not sure. I get up to call a doctor and I glance at Willow. There're tears running down her cheeks.

"B .. Buffy? Is that you? Buffy, where are you? Why is it so dark?" 

It's dark outside, but Willow's room is well-lit. I approach the other side of the bed from where Buffy and Spike stand. "Willow, it's not dark," I say softly, already guessing the truth.

Buffy's holding Willow's hands in her own, and Willow's moving them towards Buffy's face, desperate to reassure herself she's really there.

"Buffy, why can't I see you? Can you see me?"

"Will, I can see you. What's …"

"Willow," I start. "Remember, you've been bandaged for a while now. The bandages only came off earlier today. It may take a little time for your eyes to get used to the light again."

Even as I say the words, I know they're not true. I suspect the healing which her magic had begun hadn't yet spread to her eyes. They look normal, but it's obvious she's seeing nothing. Willow is blind. 


	6. Chapter 6 You're Being Watched

****

Chapter 6 - You're Being Watched

After a while, the hospital staff insisted we leave and let Willow have some rest. They seemed less surprised that Willow was blind than by the fact that she looks so well-healed. But then, that's hardly surprising.

Giles left us for a while, when Jenna was taken to be examined. She came around quickly, and managed to persuade them she was just over-tired, so they allowed her to go home with Giles. He promised to get in touch with us later to let us know what happened, once he's heard the details from Jenna.

Spike and I leave the hospital in companionable silence. In truth, I don't know what I think about this recent development. When Willow called for me, wanting me close, I responded instinctively, but, now I've had time to think, I don't know how I feel about her. The news that she's potentially even more dangerous now than when she tried to end the world is pretty big. But, blind, wow, that was a shock. It's hard to imagine a world where it's always dark. I glance at Spike, and imagine what it'd be like to never see his face again. I reach up and trace a finger over his cheek, and he looks around, surprised.

"Just imagining how it'd be if this is the only way I could 'see' you," I explain.

He nods.

We reach his car, and get in. "Patrol or home?" he asks. 

I glance at the time. It's still early enough to patrol, but I just don't feel like it. 

"Home?" 

"Next question," Spike smirks back at me. "Whose?"

I shrug. I've hardly spent any time at home since … Dawn. But I should. "Mine," I tell him.

He nods.

Once there, he seems unsure. He hovers in the hallway while I pick up the mail that's accumulated. 

"What's the matter, Spike?" I ask.

"I'll go, then, shall I?"

"What? Why?"

"I thought we were going to take it easy," he reminds me. "If you're ok with being here, then I should go."

"If that's what you want," I reply. I'm hoping it isn't, but …. I couldn't have suggested what he just did.

"It's not what I want, but, maybe it'd be for the best."

"Best for who?"

He sighs deeply. "I can't help thinking we're going too fast. I'm scared this is all just fallout from Dawn, and that when you realise that, it'll be gone."

How could I ever have doubted that he loves me? Everything from the expression on his face to the stance of his body shows the complete dejection even the thought of losing me would cause. I walk up to him, and put my arms around his waist. 

"I don't feel any differently now than before we lost Dawn. Well,…."

I pause. That's not quite true. "If anything, I do love you more, because … you're the only one who's really shared her loss with me. The others feel it, but, not like you and me. I'm not sure I understand why it was like that, but it was. But, I loved you before, and I don't think that's going to change."

I feel him relax against me, and I hope I've persuaded him. I know he's not going to leave, but he's not sure of me yet. So, I'll keep trying.

We settle down to watch TV, and eventually find a movie we can agree on. It feels right, sitting like this, with him, my head on his shoulder. The funny thing is, I can feel Dawn, too. I know she's here too, and I keep waiting for her to interrupt, but she doesn't.

*-*-*

I watch the lights go on in her house. It's a while since I've been here. It's better. This way, I know the layout inside, and I can get in. I'm feeling stronger with every day. Things are making more sense. Right after Sam died, I was lost. I felt all the anger, but it wasn't focussed. I even thought it was my fault for a while. I know better now. I know what I've got to do. It's funny, 'cos at first, I thought Spike was the big problem. Now, I see the truth. It's Buffy. She's the one who needs to die, but, if I have to kill Spike to get to her, I'll be happy. And, if not, then I can enjoy that afterwards like a reward for a job well done. 

I spent a lot of time wondering how to do it. My first thought was, slow and painful. Then, I realised, the main thing was to kill her. If I get to take my time with Spike, that'd be a bonus.

I feel the other thoughts trying to get through. I've been getting better at pushing them back, but, tonight, they're winning.

__

It's not her, not Buffy. Spike. He's the one. Need to hurt Spike. Kill him slowly, keep Buffy. Need her. No Sam, not any more, need Buffy. Need …. Need to feel, need the pleasure, need the contact, need to be in control. Want her, want her now. Spike's been using her. Filthy monster, stealing her, defiling her. Suppose I'll have to cleanse her first, before I can let her know that I'll take her back. 

I'm trying so hard to bury those other thoughts, and slowly, I push them back. I was going to move tonight. Now, I'm not so sure. I've lost focus, and I need to do something. Maybe, I need to get some .... relief. That's what's driving the other thoughts. Lust. He can't have her – never will have, but maybe, I can do something to keep him down.

I'm considering the possibilities. The obvious one is the one I used before. It'll mean losing some blood, but that's not a problem. I'm just turning around to head into town, when I spot them. There're four of them, and they're positioned so as to make it impossible for me to run. I don't recognise them, not as individuals, but I know they're military, even without uniform. 

"Agent Finn," one of them starts. They're all alert, expecting trouble.

"Yes?""

"We'd like you to accompany us, please. There are some questions that need to be answered."

"Fine, I'll report first thing in the morning. It really isn't convenient at the moment."

"Orders, sir," he apologises as something hits me in the back, sending waves of agony through me. I know what it is, used it often enough myself. There's a second hit from the taser, and then ....

"He's a mess."

"What'd you expect? He saw his wife die!"

"I know, but ...."

"No buts. Did you see the tape? I'm still having nightmares about it, and I didn't know anyone in the room."

I slowly come back to consciousness, listening to voices above me. I'm restrained, but something's cleaning me up. I open my eyes slowly, but the light's too bright, and I close them again.

"He's awake," someone says.

"Hello, Soldier." Another voice. This one seems familiar. I'm trying to work it out, but I can't. I try another look. Still bright, but bearable this time. The face, yeah, I recognise him. Ex-Initiative doctor. Not one of the bigwigs, just a common or garden doctor. 

"Tell them he's awake," I hear.

Tell who?

"You got yourself into a bit of a state, here," the doctor comments.

There's a nurse wiping my body down. Hardly surprising I need it. I haven't washed since ... 

Haven't slept either. 

I hear footsteps, and I know someone else has come in. I look around, and I know who it is. I saw him, outside Buffy's. He's been looking for me.

I think back to what happened. Oh yes. The other thoughts pushed forwards, and I was concentrating on getting them out of the way. That must be how they were able to get close. No matter, I'll get away. Sooner or later, they'll believe I'm just a traumatised widower, and they'll relax security. Then, I'm off. But, this one'll probably have to die.

"How is he? Is he up to questioning?"

"As regards the taser blast, yes, he's ok for questioning. There's an unidentified mark - looks like a burn, on his back, between his shoulder blades. Doesn't look like a taser burn, but it doesn't fit any other likely cause either. As regards the rest? Who knows? I think we should get a psychologist in here, but I'm outranked."

"Yes, Doctor, you are."

They're talking about me, but they're not talking to me. I feel my muscles tense, and the restraints seem to stretch to accommodate the extra bulk. I note that for future consideration. Come to think of it, I have been feeling pretty good – strong, fast. Haven't needed to sleep. Not sure why, unless it's my purpose. At least that's clear again. The other voice has been silenced for now.

"Let him sit up," the newcomer orders. Hands adjust the restraints, and I'm pulled into a sitting position. For the first time I realise I'm naked except for a sheet that's currently stationed around my middle. 

"Finn, I'm going to have to ask you some questions. I understand this is a painful time for you, but we have to have answers. We need to understand what killed your wife, if only to make sure it doesn't happen again. We know you witnessed everything first-hand, and your information will be invaluable. My name is Simon Westgate."

He holds his hand out to shake mine. Why would I want to shake his hand? Why would I want to touch him? The lack of response seems to throw him for a moment, but then he sits down, pulls out a clip board and starts to ask questions.

I tell the truth about what happened. It's documented anyway, he's seen the movie, although I can't imagine the T-shirts will sell very well. Then he asks where I've been. I stay silent for a while, then I make my decision. I'll tell the truth, or at least as much of it as serves my purpose.

"Where did you go after you left the complex?"

"I followed the energy. It went into town, to a store there called the Magic Box."

"That's the store owned by a friend of your ex-girlfriend, one Buffy Summers?"

"That's right. Rupert Giles, Englishman."

"And, what happened there?" 

"I saw the energy, and it went back to whoever summoned it. They were there, Buffy, and Hostile 17. He summoned it, and he held onto her, as it returned to him."

"Who is Hostile 17?"

"I'm sure you know very well who he is. He's a vampire who was chipped by the Initiative. But, for some reason, Buffy, who you'll find from Initiative records is the Slayer, wouldn't stake him. He was chipped, so he couldn't harm humans. But, somehow, he did something to her. It's like he had hypnotised her. He was even screwing her, like he was human or something."

"I see. Tell me, is this Hostile 17?"

He holds up a photograph. "Yes, that's him." 

I continue to look at the photo, then I realise. It's clearly Spike, and his arm's around Buffy as the two walk into a building, looks like a school – in daytime. I gawk at the photo.

"As I understand it, vampires cannot stand the touch of the sun. So, how could it be him?"

"I don't know," I manage. I'm wracking my brain, desperate to think of an explanation. Then it comes to me. Xander. He told me, Spike had a ring. It made him invulnerable, until Buffy took it from him. She gave it to Angel, but he destroyed it. Could there be another?

"There are things, magical charms that could let him walk in daylight. He must have something. He did before, but it was supposed to be destroyed."

Then I realise. Whose word do we have that it was destroyed? Angel's. A demon's word. It's not worth anything. 

"It could be the Gem of Amarra. We were told it was destroyed, but, maybe it wasn't. It didn't make a lot of sense anyway. Buffy took it from Spike, and she sent it to Angel. He's supposed to be fighting the good fight in LA. I never did understand why he'd destroy it. What if he didn't, and either he gave it to Spike, or Spike stole it?"

"That all sounds a bit far-fetched, and who, exactly, is Angel?" he comments.

"So does the whole 'Chosen one' thing. I thought I was doing well when I could kill a couple of hostiles in a night. She regularly gets six or eight. Since she was sixteen, she's dusted thousands of vampires, not to mention other demons. That's far-fetched, too. And Angel, he's a vampire too. Apparently cursed with a soul, he was Buffy's first," I spit out the word, "Lover!"

He nods, apparently accepting what I've said.

"We'll investigate this - gem. Now, going back to what happened. You say this, Spike, summoned the energy that killed your wife. I've seen the tapes, and it looked like the energy came from the sphere. You say it didn't."

I think about that. At the time it seemed that way to me, too.

"Well, I thought so, until I saw what happened later. The energy that killed everyone, he soaked it up. He just stood there, and took it. It didn't hurt him. So, he must have controlled it. It makes sense that he would find a way to kill which could get around the chip."

"I see. We'll have to investigate, but, from what you say, I think we should bring in this Spike, or Hostile 17 as soon as possible."

That's good. If they get him out of the way, there'll be nothing to stop me killing Buffy. And then, when she's gone, I'll get him - assuming he's still alive. But, he should be. They won't kill him, although I don't think he's going to enjoy their company very much, either.


	7. Chapter 7 Hospital Visiting

****

Chapter 7 - Hospital Visiting

Last night was …. Good. Buffy and I just sat and watched TV, content to be close, without passion taking over. It's what was missing before. The just being-together. Of course, we were both thinking about Willow. Blind. It's a huge thing to take in. I know they're going to do tests, try to find out if it's going to heal, but … If the healing we saw was done by the magic, the dark magic that filled her before Jenna took it away, then maybe she's got to get it back to heal herself. And, if she does, then will she stop at healing? And wasn't healing one of Tara's things? And she never dabbled in anything other than the purest forms of magic. I've always said that magic has consequences, and that amount of healing, unless it came from the purest source, will have consequences we can only imagine.

Today's been a standard day at work. Or at least what passes as standard without Dawn. It seems so strange that I can miss someone when almost no one else even remembers her being there. I wondered why we remembered, when others didn't. It's not just that we were closer to her, because her best friends don't remember, and Anya does. I think it's just that we were present when she left. I think Giles agrees; he nodded in that way he has when I suggested it last night.

Considering my reason for being in the school is Dawn, it seems odd to still be here. I look around at the other kids, and I know why. There're lots of them, just as vulnerable as she was. They need Buffy and me to keep their school safe. And, we're going to try.

There's something unwholesome nesting in the basement, but, so far, I haven't seen enough to identify it. There's some nasty, slimy residue in one of the storage rooms, so I've been making a point of checking regularly. It's late in the day, the kids have gone, and I've just been down for another check. Still nothing definite. I check the time, and realise I've got to get back upstairs.

I had a call earlier. The local police want to talk to me about some incidents. Apparently some kids have reported stalkers, and they want to know what sort of set up we've got here, with a view to reviewing the tapes we have to find the culprits. That means I'm going to have to stay late tonight, and Buffy wants to go and see Willow. I suggested we go out after - maybe see a film, or have a meal. Depends how she feels after Willow. I think a film would be best, give her something else to think about. She's going to call me when she's finished at the hospital, and we'll decide then.

Officer Dayton - I think his name was - is due in five minutes. I've just got time to put on a pot of coffee.

I've just set the coffee maker going when there's a knock at the door. I call over my shoulder for him to come in, while I dispose of the old filter paper. Before I can turn round, I feel a pain in my back that I recognise immediately. Standing over me as my legs buckle are a man I don't recognise, and Dawson. She makes sure I see her before they zap me again, and I feel I have her face burned onto my retina before everything goes black.

*-*-*

Giles is at the hospital when I get there. He and Willow are chatting quietly when I go in. Everything seems remarkably calm.

"Hey, Will," I say, trying to sound upbeat.

"Hey, Buffy. How ya doin'?"

"I'm good," I reply.

Giles nods at me, gesturing me to sit on the other side of the bed from him.

"Giles told me about … your sister. I'm sorry, I don't remember her."

"Oh."

"It all fits with Spike's theory that only those of us present when she left us can remember her," Giles says with a distinct note of surprise.

"So, how are you, Willow?" I ask. What a stupid question. What can she say? Blind? Fortunately, she doesn't seem to notice.

"I'm ok," she replies. "They did some tests today, and more're scheduled for tomorrow. They're trying to work out whether the whole 'blindness' thing is temporary or not."

"Oh," is all I can manage. I'm torn between wanting to give her the biggest hug, and running from the room and never coming back.

Giles obviously recognises that conversation's difficult, so he clears his throat.

"I've been thinking, Buffy. From what Dawn said, it won't be long until she's back. Logically, though, she'll be vulnerable. If she needed to come to this time when she was, what, fourteen? That means she must have lived the rest of her life to that point in her own time. Now, say, for the sake of argument, that those who wanted to destroy the key, destroyed Dawn before she became the Key, what would happen?"

Now, that takes a bit of understanding. I let the words filter in slowly. 

"Giles, what do you mean? If something happens before she's fourteen, could that change the last few years? Oh, …"

Light dawns. "You mean, those who wanted to destroy her, could do it in the future, before she's fourteen, and then when the Orb's destroyed, no key to counteract it?"

He's nodding, with that solemn expression that means he's worried.

"So, we'd better find out who Dawn really is, or will be as soon as possible, and find her. You and Spike have got to keep her safe a bit longer. But, the good news, is that I had a call today. The doctor who did all those tests on you? He's hoping to get results of the DNA tests tomorrow. Apparently they weren't due to be done for a week yet, but he pulled a few strings and got them moved up the queue. He's got three samples - there're yours and Spike's, and a third which he was confused about. Of course, he doesn't remember Dawn, and the label on the sample somehow got lost, but I'm sure it's hers. It was with the other two. I'll let you know as soon as he calls."

"Good, but it won't necessarily tell us who she is. All we can get is how closely related to me she was," I point out.

"More than likely, but it'll give us a starting point. Then, it's just got to be detective work."

We sit and chat about lots of things, but avoid the whole issue of Willow. She's scared, I can feel it, but she's trying so hard to hide it. I can see Giles has something on his mind, and I'm hoping he's planning on sharing when we leave. I have to admit, I'm relieved when someone points out it's time for Willow to eat. It gives me an excuse to leave, and I'm glad that Giles decides to go too.

We walk down the corridor towards the elevator. "What did Jenna tell you?" I ask.

"Quite a lot," he replied. "Do you feel like a coffee? I can fill you in. Is Spike meeting you here?"

"That'd be yes to both. I've got to call him when we're through."

We make our way to a coffee shop adjacent to the hospital. We take our drinks to a corner table, and Giles suggests I call Spike. I do, and I'm surprised when there's no response. I try his mobile, and again, there's no reply. He's probably just gone to investigate the slime in the basement again. I'll call again later.

"So, what happened with Jenna?"

"Well, she did as she said she would. The magic Willow had stored was strange, though. It wasn't magic from any source Jenna recognised. It wasn't dark, well, not recognisably so, but neither was it earth magic. She assumes it came from another dimension, somehow. That was the reason that it had such an effect on her. She was prepared for something she recognised, and she got something unknown. It may even be that it had an element of dark within it, but that would have been used when Willow took Dawn. Fortunately for Willow, she doesn't remember that incident at all. I assume that's simply the Dawn factor. She doesn't know she tried to hurt your sister this time, although her memories of trying to end the world the first time are complete. She just knows that she went to the hut, and burned it down. She thinks it was just the misery of living without Tara. I haven't done anything to persuade her otherwise. She's on a knife edge just now, and she doesn't need anything interfering with her balance."

I nod. It's going to be hard. When I'm missing Dawn, it's going to be hard to be close to Willow and remember that she tried to kill her - not once, but on three different occasions. Still, she remembers two, so maybe the third time won't make a lot of difference. 

"So, DNA results tomorrow?" I ask to change the subject.

"Yes, I hope so. We would expect, if Dawn shared her parentage with you, that she would have about half of her DNA in common with you. Lesser percentages will denote a more distant relationship. So, depending on the percentage we come up with, I'll be expecting you to put together a family tree of sorts. I'll want to know about aunts, uncles and cousins on both sides of your family. Then we'll have to consider the possibility that your father may have further children."

He smiles tolerantly at the expression I've made at that suggestion. My dad didn't do too well with the two (or is that one?) he already had, so I'm really hoping he hasn't got any more on the way.

Talking of babies on the way, I glance to the table next to us, where someone's reading a paper. I make a note of the date, and realise I'm late. As in, my period's late. Of course it could be the whole 'traumatised by Dawn leaving' thing, or then again, it could be the fact that on the night she left, we conveniently forgot the fact that Spike's no longer a vampire. We didn't use any precautions, and Spike nearly had a major crisis of conscience when it dawned on us. I make a mental note to buy a test kit, just in case. Of course, we don't even know how our sort of demon procreates anyway. Or even if we do. Spike did say that few demons use sex as a way of procreation. At least, not sex as humans understand it. Most have another way, some similar insofar as new little demons grow inside either mum or dad, and some very different, like vampires. I daren't ask Giles to find out, because that would mean discussing things with him that I know he doesn't want to hear.

We finish our coffee in silence, and I pull out my cell phone to call Spike again. There's still no reply, so I ask Giles if he'll drop me off at the school.

We pull up outside, and the car park is pretty well deserted. I recognise the Principal's car, and a couple of others, then spot Spike's where he normally leaves it, in a particularly shady corner. Giles is intrigued to see the school they decided to re-build on the Hellmouth, so he follows me inside. I head straight to Spike's office, and it's empty. I look inside, and there's a full pot of coffee ready, and the coffee maker's still switched on. I move to his desk, and check to see if there's a clue to where he might be. There's a scribbled note in Spike's handwriting to the effect that he was expecting an Officer Dayton.

I head across the corridor to the Principal's office. His secretary's still at her desk, and I ask her if she knows whether the police officer arrived to see Spike. She tends to keep an eye on comings and goings into the school, and I'm hoping she knows where Spike is. Unfortunately, she knows nothing.

The first flutterings of panic are making themselves known to me, and I leave Giles in Spike's office to try to work out how to review the surveillance tapes while I do a complete check of the school. He should be here.

I check the whole place, calling his name as I search, and I know my voice is becoming shriller with each shout. I return to the office, to find Giles has worked out how to see what happened. He's looking concerned too. 

We both sit in front of the monitor, trying to find the right time-scale. It has to be some time after me leaving the school, but we don't know how much later. We quickly identify the right tape, and we look at it, again and again, and there's no sign at all. Except, there's a point where the tape doesn't flow normally - someone just disappeared instead of moving out of shot.

Someone's tampered with the cameras. Someone with the kit to stop the cameras recording for a while. And the only people I can think of off the top of my head who'd be able to do that are the Initiative, or whatever they're calling themselves these days. I remember the effect Dawson had on Spike, what he suffered the last time, and my blood runs cold. There's only one possibility I can think of, and that's that they've got Spike again.

****


	8. Chapter 8 The Demon Comes to the Fore

****

Chapter 8 - The Demon Comes to the Fore

I hear voices, but they don't seem to be close. At first, I can't make out the words, but then it becomes clearer. 

"Strap him in. No need to be gentle."

"I think he's rousing. Should we do something?"

"Yes, give him this. He's the one that escaped last time. We can't take any chances."

"I thought he was a vampire. He's warm."

"Well, it's probably some sort of trick. We've to take him to the lab, and they'll sort him out."

About then, I feel a needle in my arm, and the voices fade again.

*-*-*

Getting Buffy home after her realisation about Spike was a major effort. She wanted to go after them, the Initiative, Riley, anyone or anything who might be responsible for Spike's disappearance. There was no plan involved, just the need to do something, but the state she was in, she was a danger to anyone who crossed her path, and to herself. Only the promise that I would ask Jenna to join us, to see if she could do some sort of location spell persuaded her to go home.

It was taking some getting used to, but I was eventually getting the idea that Buffy's feelings for Spike were real, and that there was nothing she wouldn't do for him.

I quickly explained the situation to Jenna, and she arrived within half an hour. Half an hour during which Buffy had paced and ranted about what she was going to do with whoever was responsible. It did give me a better insight to Buffy's new status though. There was something quite clearly demonic in the way she was acting. I know Buffy. I don't think many people know her better. I've seen her grow from a child to a young woman. I've seen her deal with betrayal and death. I've seen her die, and come back. And, I've got to say, she's been different since she came back. At first I thought it was because she'd been in Hell. Then, when we knew otherwise, it was because she'd been in Heaven. Now, I know, it's just that she's different. 

She's always been single-minded. She'd never have survived everything life has thrown at her if she hadn't been. But, what I'm seeing this evening is something else again. When I think that only a short time ago, she lost Dawn, to now lose Spike too … Well it would be enough to break someone. And it could well break her. But, I don't want to be around to see her broken, because I can't help but think that she might just try to break the world.

Jenna sets things up in the kitchen, away from Buffy's pacing in the living room. She looked nervously at the Slayer as she came in, and I took pains to explain her recent past in more detail than I had before. When Jenna announces that she's ready, I see Buffy taking several deep breaths, then walking into the kitchen. Her knuckles are white with the tension of keeping herself together. 

Jenna performs the spell, starting with a map of the local area. When there's no result, she repeats it with a map of the United States. Again there's no result. She repeats it a third time, with a map of the World. Again no result. She looks perplexed. I must look puzzled, and Buffy's looking incredulous.

"What does it mean?" she demands.

I don't know, so I look to Jenna for an answer. She positively cringes from the force of Buffy's question. 

"I think it means they've got him shielded somehow. It could mean they've used a portal to take him to another dimension, but that's so dangerous, I can't believe anyone would attempt it. I've got other spells I can try, more powerful ones which might be able to overcome a shield, depending on how it was erected. It'll take some time, though. And, some rather specialised ingredients."

"The Magic Box should be able to provide what you need," I assure her. "If we don't have it in stock, we can order it. We can go first thing in the morning."

"Give me a list," Buffy's voice replies coldly. "I'll go and get Anya to open up, and we'll get what we need now."

"Well, yes, we could, I suppose. I've got keys, …."

Buffy doesn't even wait for me to stop. She's outside and waiting at my car before I even finish the sentence.

"Is tonight ok?" I ask Jenna. She nods, rather bemusedly, and we join Buffy at the car.

Once at the shop, I suggest to Buffy that she go into the training room while Jenna and I look out what's needed. She agrees, and we can soon hear the unmistakable sounds of a Slayer taking out her angst on a punch bag. Well, better that than something living.

It quickly becomes apparent that we haven't got everything Jenna needs. The supplier will be closed for the night, and there's nothing we can do until the morning. Even worse, the only supplier we have for that particular ingredient isn't known for speedy delivery. I'm just wondering how to break the news to Buffy when the bell rings, and someone walks into the shop. 

Of all the people it could be, it couldn't be much worse. It's Riley Finn.

"Evening, Giles," he starts, looking completely at ease. 

I'm praying that Buffy's so wrapped up in beating up the punch bag that she doesn't hear. I no longer have any positive feelings for the man at the door, but I don't want to see him beaten to a bloody pulp, which is what I'm afraid I'll see if Buffy notices him.

"Riley, this isn't a good time. Perhaps you could come back tomorrow?"

"What's up? Not like you not to welcome me. I'm looking for Buffy. There was no one at home, so I thought I'd check here."

"She's not here," I lie, hoping he'll believe me.

"Then who's that in the training room?" he asks, walking towards the door.

I step between him and the door, desperate to stop him getting there. He pushes me aside as if I were insignificant, and I realise there's more to Riley than I'd thought. I know he was super-charged before, in his Professor Walsh days, but I thought all that was over. It nearly killed him, and I didn't think he'd be stupid enough to risk that again.

He's half way to the door, when Buffy appears. She's surprisingly calm, apparently. 

"Riley, what're you doing here?" she asks.

"I came to see you," he replies, still as casual as you like. The tension in the room is terrible, all the real emotion like an undercurrent to the actual words.

"You didn't notice me last time I came, so I thought I'd make up for that."

"Oh, last time, the day you killed my sister?"

"Dawn? Never saw her. Don't know who killed her, although I could make a guess. I suppose it's a natural consequence of keeping company with a vampire."

Could he have said anything worse? I can't see how. Yet, Buffy hasn't moved yet.

"Spike didn't kill her, you did. You just had to go on meddling with things you don't understand. You and the others. The Initiative, or whatever they call themselves these days. So, what've you done with Spike?"

He seems surprised that she knows about Spike, but does his best not to let it show.

"Well, I heard he was working at the high school, and well, we had to do something. I just put in a word with the people I work for, and they agreed he was a danger to the people of Sunnydale, and decided to take him in hand."

"He wasn't a danger. Now, if you'll just tell me where he is, I might decide not to take out my frustration on your face."

He shakes his head, a parody of pity. "I thought once he was out of the way, whatever spell he's put you under would go. Maybe there's a delay on it. You'll appreciate it some day, or you would, if I could let you live."

I see it with my own eyes, but I know I'll never believe it. Riley's at the doorway to the training room, right next to Buffy faster than I've ever seen anything move. He's glowing slightly, a sickly pink/purple colour, and I see with sudden clarity what's happened. He's the reservoir for the remains of the energy from the Orb of Fire. I feel fear for the first time, not that Buffy will kill him, but that he will kill her. 

Suddenly, there's a flash, and both of the people in the doorway freeze. I turn around to the origin of the flash, and see Jenna. She's looking pale. I had forgotten she was here, and apparently, Riley either didn't notice her, or didn't consider her a threat. 

"Thanks," I manage. "Can we separate them?"

She nods, and pulls her arms apart in an unmistakable gesture. The two figures separate, Riley returning to the far side of the shop.

"What was that?" she asks. 

I explain as much as I can, including the history about which she knows nothing. She takes it remarkably well, nodding as I speak.

"I know you live on the Hellmouth," she comments when I've finished, "but I didn't realise life her was quite so ……. Exciting."

I smile at the comment. At that moment, she reminds me so much of Jenny that my heart almost stops. It's not that she looks like her, it's the expression. It's so like the one Jenny gave me the first time she realised the sort of thing I deal with as a matter of course.

"So, what do we do now?" she asks.

"Well, I'd like to question Finn further," I begin. "But, we've got to keep him under control. He's the host to a terrible power, and it's obvious that it's using him to kill Buffy. He hated Spike, always did, so handing him over to the Initiative is no surprise. But, Riley loves Buffy. He wouldn't knowingly harm her, so I can only assume it's that power that's responsible."

"And Buffy?"

"Well, we need to get her home, and get her calmed down. It's the first time I've seen her like this. Maybe it's knowing she's no longer human that allows that part of her to come forward. Regardless, our priority must be to find Spike. That, and understanding why this power wants Buffy dead."

She nods, and she's obviously thinking about the best way to achieve what's needed. "Where do you want Riley?" she asks.

I consider the options. There's only one I can think of, and it's far from ideal. Then I have a second thought.

"I was thinking about Buffy's house. There's a basement which is fairly secure, but there's another option. There's a mansion, belongs to another vampire, but I know where the keys are. There are chains and suchlike there. That's probably the safest place. Is there something you can do to improve the strength of a set of chains?"

"Well, yes, but …" 

She hesitated, and I understand. There was a time when I'd have balked at the idea of chaining up a human being, but I know better now. Some humans are simply too dangerous to be allowed freedom. And, until we come up with a way to free Riley of the power in him, he definitely comes under that category.

"Please," I plead. "You saw him. He's dangerous. You must see that."

She nods. 

It's after midnight when we finally get Buffy back to her house. Jenna mutters the words that reverse the spell, and Buffy looks momentarily confused.

"Where's Riley?" she asks.

"He's safe for now."

"I don't want him safe, I want him dead."

"I understand that, Buffy, but I'm sure he can tell us something about where Spike is. And, he's not himself. He's been taken over by the power that destroyed Dawn. I don't know the details, but he's incredibly powerful. He might even be a match for you. You saw the speed with which he got to you. That power wants you dead, and I'm not going to tell you where to find him. I'll question him, see if I can get anything useful out of him, and then we'll go from there. In the meantime, the best we can do is get a night's sleep. We can't get the ingredients for the spell until tomorrow at the earliest, and probably not then. I'll put the order in first thing, and we'll take if from there."

She slumps in front of me. All the bravado, all the strength seems to ebb out of her. She's looking like a lost child again. I approach her and put my arms around her. She starts to sob, and I don't know what to do.

"I need him, Giles. We've got to find him. I can't live without him, not now. Not after everything. Find him for me, please."

"I will," I promise. I've no idea at present how I'm going to keep that promise, but I'll do it if there's any way I can.

I support Buffy as she walks up the stairs, and I see her to the door of her bedroom. She walks inside, and collapses on the bed. I'm loath to leave her, so I close the door, and go downstairs. I tell Jenna that I'm planning on staying here, and offer to call a cab to take her back to my flat. She agrees, and soon after, she's gone. 

I make my way upstairs, listening for a few seconds at Buffy's door. I can still make out the hitched breathing and the occasional sob, and my heart's breaking for her. She doesn't deserve this. And, I realise, neither does Spike, wherever he is.


	9. Chapter 9 LongAwaited News

****

Chapter 9 - Long-Awaited News

I spent the night unable to sleep, fury and frustration at my inactivity contributing equally to my insomnia. Close to sunrise, I must have finally achieved my goal, because the next thing I know it's late - almost noon. I get up, fully intending to start my search for Riley. I shower quickly, and dress for slaying. I rush downstairs, surprised that my stomach is telling me to eat. Normally, when I'm worried, the thought of food can make me nauseous, but this time, I find I'm ravenous. 

I go into the kitchen, intent on finding something to assuage my hunger quickly, and I'm surprised to see Giles sitting there. He's got some notes in front of him that I recognise as the information we got before Dawn was taken from us. There's also a pad, and it's covered with Giles' indecipherable scrawl.

He looks up as I go in, almost cringing. It gives me a moment of guilt. I came close to doing violence to him last night because he wouldn't tell me where Riley was. It felt like he was in the way, and in my anger, I just wanted to remove the obstacles between me and Spike.

Somehow, today, the human traits within me have reasserted themselves. My goal is still to find Spike, and I've got no problem with the prospect of hurting Riley, but Giles is a different matter.

He's looking at me warily, so I try to show him I'm back to normal, or whatever is normal for a demon of my kind. "It's ok, Giles, you're safe."

"I didn't doubt it," he answers with that calm expression he has.

"I'm just going to grab something to eat, then I'm going to head out, try to find out what I can."

"By all means, Buffy, but first, there's something I need to discuss with you."

"No, Giles, nothing's more important than finding Spike."

"Not more important, perhaps, but I'd wager what I've got to tell you is as important. And, if you'll sit for a while, I'll take you to Riley, providing you promise to let me do the questioning, at least at first."

I can't imagine what could possibly be as important as getting Spike back, but if it'll save me time finding Riley, then I'm willing to sit for a while. I grab a bowl, fill it with some cereal, and drown it in milk. I pull up a stool opposite Giles, and between mouthfuls, I manage, "So, what's as important as Spike?"

"Well, I'll tell you in a moment, but first, I've had a call from the hospital, and they want to release Willow. It might be easier if she comes here. There's room for Willow and Jenna here, me too if you're willing to let me have the sofa, and I'd like to think Willow had some magical support for a while - something Jenna's much more suited to than I am."

"Sure, she can come here, you can have my room, too. I can always stay at Spike's flat."

He nods his acceptance of this. I'm surprised, because I'd thought that part of his being here was that he wanted to keep an eye on me too.

I'm looking expectantly at him, and he's staring back, looking as if he's trying to read something on my face. "Ok, Giles, what's so important?" I ask, refilling my cereal bowl, before starting to empty it again.

"Well, I had the results of the DNA tests this morning. I called, and …"

"So, how closely was Dawn related to me?" I demand.

"Closer than we thought. The test showed clearly a very close relationship. You share about half your DNA with her."

"That means she's really my sister, doesn't it? But how can that be?"

"It's one possible interpretation. The other is that she's your daughter."

He starts on other things then, I suppose he's giving me a chance to take in that fact. He thinks it's going to be a shock, but I realise I already knew. My hands are on my stomach, caressing the daughter I know is there. I hadn't gone so far as to put it into words, but I knew.

"It's fascinating, really. Your DNA's so close to being human, it's more as if you're some sort of new human than a demon. The differences are minute, perhaps you're just an evolved form."

"Dawn's my daughter," I murmur.

"Well, yes, it would seem so. Her father, is .."

"Spike," I finish for him.

He looks surprised at my certainty.

"Well, yes, it would appear so. But, it may not be for some time. We don't know what the future holds for the two of you."

He's noticed my hands at last, and he looks at me questioningly. "It makes sense," I tell him. "That's why Dawn was laughing. She knew. She knew that she'd be conceived that night. The same night she left."

He's looking a little shocked.

"The night Dawn left, we, well, we forgot Spike's not a vampire any more." 

I wait for the disapproving expression or words. They don't come. 

Instead he says, "Are you sure?"

"Well, I haven't done a test yet, but I am late, and yet, yes, I'm sure."

"I see." The words are accompanied by a deep sigh.

"This puts a different complexion on things. And, it explains Riley's insistence

that he had to kill you. If Riley's the reservoir of the last of the energy from the Orb of Fire, he's being compelled to destroy you. Not because of you, but because it wants to ensure that Dawn will never be born."

I can't think of what to say. I don't remember the detail of what was said last night. The only thought I had then was the need to pound Spike's whereabouts out of Riley.

"He was trying to kill me, then?"

"That's what he said. He said you'd be grateful that he'd got rid of Spike, or at least you would if he could let you live. Then, he moved so fast, it was as if he teleported. If Jenna hadn't stopped him .."

"If Jenna hadn't stopped me, Anya would be cleaning Riley's blood off the floor today."

"I'm not so sure, he's different. He's certainly faster, and he approached you as if he knew he could take you. And, remember, Riley knows how good you are."

"Wrong, Giles. Riley knew how good I was as a human. I'm not human any more."

He nods, and I know he realises. It doesn't matter how close my DNA is to being human. There's something in me that wasn't there before. Last year, I coped with it by hurting Spike. During the summer, I survived on believing that everything would get better, by trying harder with everything. It worked, but I don't know how long I could have kept it up. Recently, I've been learning how to cope with it by being with Spike, by loving him and letting him love me. Without him .. I'm not sure I even want to try. The fury at those who've taken him starts to rise. Before, they had taken the man I love. Now he's also the father of my unborn child, and that stirs an extra helping of anger into the mix. Giles must see something of my thoughts on my face. He knows what I'm planning, if not in detail, then in general outline.

"And, what about Dawn? If you are pregnant, you've got to think about her. She needs you like she never has before. And this time, there's no one else who can protect her. You're her mother, and your first priority must be to keep yourself safe, so that she's safe too."

I bring my fist down on the kitchen worktop, hard, jarring plates and cutlery. I know he's right, but .. I just feel so useless. The Initiative has got Spike again, and he's telling me I've got to look after myself. And, the worst part is, I know Spike would say the same thing.

"Ok," I agree. "If I'm pregnant, I'll need to rethink things. But, I'm not going to sit with my feet up. I've got to do something. And, you did promise we'd go and see Riley now."

"I did. I'll just call Jenna, and we'll go."

"Why Jenna?"

"Firstly, we need Jenna to remove the spell so we can actually talk to him. Then, if anything happens, Jenna can immobilise him again. I'm not sure what else could achieve that. Until we know more about what we're facing, I think we should go prepared."

He's right. He normally is, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I shrug. I need to find out what Riley knows. If need be, I can go and do some investigating on my own later. Anyway, I need to keep in with Giles until Jenna does her new spells. It just breaks my heart remembering how Spike was when he remembered Dawson, and what she made him do. The thought that he could be suffering like that again makes my blood boil. 

*-*-*

They tried to do as before. They tried to strap me to a table, and open me up, see how I work, like I'm a bloody machine. I struggled, and, the restraints started to give. I thought I was going to get away, but they had a needle in my arm before I could do anything worthwhile, and now, all I've got are snatches. As the drug wears off, I become aware of what's happening, of pain, of parts of conversations, then there's a needle again, and I'm back in the dark.

Every time I sleep, I hear Dawn. She's telling me to be strong, to endure. She's telling me it won't be long, that I'll see her again soon.

The pain's all over. The words I hear don't make sense, at least not to me, not at first. I don't know how many cycles of sleeping and wakening I've been through. Slowly, it's becoming clearer. I think the time I'm out of it is getting shorter each time, because I hear the almost-panic in their voices, and instructions to increase the dose. Each time I'm aware, the pain is everywhere. It's on the surface, and it's bone deep. I don't know how it feels to move, because I haven't had the chance yet. Consciousness arrives before muscle control, and, each time, just as I'm feeling able to flex my arms, the needle returns. Time has no meaning. Dawn fills my dreams, and Buffy my waking thoughts. I have to endure, and to return to her. Nothing else matters.


	10. Chapter 10 Reluctant Allies

****

Chapter 10 - Reluctant Allies

All night, I've been unable to move. Something inside me has been struggling to get through the barrier that has held my body immobile, and now, it's in the background, as if its efforts have sapped its strength. I know it'll be back, though. It's not gone, just regrouping, preparing to take over my mind again, and with it, my body.

I was going to kill Buffy last night. I can't believe it could control me enough to do that. I loved my wife, but I also love Buffy. I hate what she does, I hate that she could bring herself to sleep with a demon, with Spike, but I still love her.

Sam. Thoughts of my wife have been rare recently. The other presence won't allow me to think about her too much, because the memory of her death is too much for me, it causes the real me to surface too much.

Although I can't move, I can see and hear perfectly. I hear them coming, know before I see them who it is. They approach, three of them, the same three as last night. I don't know who the witch is. She's the reason I'm here, the reason I didn't succeed in my attempt to kill Buffy. She's watching me as she approaches, wary in case I've managed to get out of the constraints she's put me in. Hardly likely. As well as the immobilisation spell, they've got me chained to the wall.

Giles asks her to reverse the spell, and she does so. The relief is tremendous. Every muscle in my body aches like I can't remember before. I make no attempt to pull on the chains, since I want them to trust me. I hate to admit it, but I need them to get rid of whatever it is that's inside me. My training tells me to go back to the unit, that someone there will be able to help, but my instinct tells me otherwise. It tells me that maybe, I'll be the next subject for experimentation.

"Riley," Giles begins. I'm surprised, I'd expected Buffy to lead the way. That's how it always was before. I look at her, and I understand. The anger in her eyes is something living, and it's trying to devour her. I realise he's afraid of what she'll do if she's allowed to get too close, and I know that the witch isn't just here to protect them. She's here to protect me too.

"We need information, and I'd like to get it without any unpleasantness. But, believe me, if we don't get what we want, I don't think I'll be able to stop Buffy from doing as she wanted to last night."

I nod. My throat's dry, and I try swallowing a couple of times, so I can talk.

"Where is Spike?" The words are enunciated clearly, so there can be no doubt that he's serious.

"Look, Giles, I want to help you. Truth is, I need your help, so I'll tell you what I can, but I don't think it'll be enough. I think they'd have taken him to the base at the old Initiative headquarters."

"Well, we wouldn't have thought of that, would we?" Buffy's voice drips sarcasm. It sounds more like something Spike would say, and that makes me feel uncomfortable.

"Giles, listen. When I went back, fighting demons, they did a debrief on me before they let me into action. They know everything about you, and what you can do, that I know. If they realise you're going to be looking for him, then it stands to reason they'd take precautions."

"I'm sure you can do better than that," Giles encourages. In the background, Buffy's pacing, her impatience obvious in every step. I drag my attention back to Giles.

"Listen, I'll tell you what I can. Like I said, I need your help, so I'm not looking to hold out, but remember, they picked me up too. Weren't exactly gentle. I was able to persuade them I was just in shock, after what happened to .. Sam, and they've given me leave and set up for me to see a counsellor. But, I'm not top of the list for sharing secret information."

"So, what is it you want our help with?" Giles asks mildly. He's trying to gauge the truth of what I'm saying, but that doesn't matter. He's good at interrogation, that much is obvious.

"There's something .. in me. I don't know what it is, but I've got to admit I'm scared. It's what I've always feared, more than anything, that one day a demon would infect me in some way. Never worried too much about death, but the idea that a subT could get inside my body, take it over, that's my nightmare. And it's happening. It's inside, and it's making me do things. Something about the spell last night has forced it down, but it's still there, and I don't know how long I'm going to be able to keep it down."

"And when do you think you got infected?"

"I'm not sure, but I think it was the day Sam died. I felt this .. pain, like a knife in my back, but it was gone in an instant. Since then, it's been growing in power, and I'd all but lost the ability to control it, until the spell."

Giles nods to the witch, a silent request to be vigilant, and comes closer. He pulls me away from the wall, just enough to lift my sweatshirt up my back. He must see something, because he calls Buffy to look.

"There's a mark there," she offers.

"Yes. It looks like a scar, but the surface skin seems just discoloured."

"Did you know it was there?"

"No, I haven't had much chance to look in mirrors."

He lets that comment go, returning to the questions.

"And what's this .. entity forcing you to do?"

"It wants me to kill Buffy."

"Why?"

"I don't know, it's not clear, it's something about redressing a balance, but I don't understand. It's as if killing Buffy is the only aim it has."

Giles sighs deeply. 

"Can I hit him now?" Buffy buts in, impatiently coming between Giles and me. I flinch away from her. I remember what it's like to be on the receiving end of her fists, and she didn't want to hurt me last time.

"Buffy, wait. I think he's telling the truth." 

"You mean you believe me?" I'm amazed that he seems to have accepted my story at face value.

"Well, I had a theory which fits very closely with what you told me."

"What is it? Is it a demon? What did it do to me? I'm not a vampire, I know that, I'm still breathing."

"I don't believe it's a demon per se." He's looking at Buffy as he speaks, trying to get her agreement to tell me what they know. She nods, almost imperceptibly, and Giles continues.

"The energy inside the Orb of Fire was placed there .."

"Orb of fire? What's that?"

"The sphere you were analysing. The one you destroyed."

"But how ..? That was top secret."

"We found a prophecy. It had to do with Buffy's sister, Dawn. A long time ago, there was a malevolent energy, something which threatened to destroy the world. Those who inhabited the earth at that time, found a way to encapsulate it, contain it, until an antidote could be found. That .. antidote was eventually given human form, and it was left to increase in strength until it was sufficient to completely annihilate the evil. That human was given to Buffy as a sister. Her job, and that of Spike, was to protect her until the cycle was complete. At some time in the future, the Orb was due to degrade and allow the energy to escape. At the right time, it would have been completely absorbed by the antidote, which was known as the Key. Your meddling caused the Orb to fail before its time, triggering the demise of Buffy's sister, but at a time before balance was attained. There was some of the evil remaining, and we believe it took up residence in your body."

Well, what do you say to that? "Prophecy?" I manage weakly.

"Yes, I know you scientific types don't hold a lot of store by it, but these things do exist, and are best not ignored. We knew about it, and were actively searching for the Orb when you came back to Sunnydale. Unfortunately, you got your hands on it rather than us."

"And it destroyed Dawn? The same thing that destroyed Sam destroyed Dawn?"

He nods, but I know it was different. My memories of that awful day are blurred after I left the lab, but I don't remember any more screaming.

"Why didn't she scream?"

"Who?"

"Dawn. Why didn't she scream? The others did. I saw them, dissolving, their flesh melting off their bones. Their screams were .. agonising."

"That's not how it was for Dawn. Perhaps she was protected by the Key energy."

"I'm sorry about Sam." I snap my head around. It's the first thing Buffy's said in a while. I nod my gratitude. If she lost her sister too, maybe she understands. Then I realise, it's another death on my conscience.

"So, you really don't know where Spike is?" she's asking. Her body language is different. She came in here, a predator, looking to hurt me. That's gone. She looks lost.

"He might still be at the base, but I doubt it. In any case, the security's tight."

I look at her. I need to ask, even though I suspect it'll result in her lashing out at me. "Why does he matter?"

I see her tense, but she doesn't hit me. "Because I love him."

"But he's a demon. How can you love a demon? I couldn't understand Angel, but at least he had a soul."

"Spike has a soul, too. He went and got one. Not a curse, something he actually wanted to get, so I could love him. Silly thing is, I already did."

"But he's a demon, Buffy."

"Yes, Riley, and so am I."

I don't know what to make of that. It's obviously not true, it's something Spike's made her believe, but to my surprise, Giles doesn't contradict her.

"You know something, Buffy?" I ask. 

"What?"

"When we were together, I put your name down as a contact if anything, you know, happened. I didn't change that when I married Sam. I mean, she was there too, but I didn't take you off the list. You know why?"

She shakes her head. I can tell she's not really interested, but I go on anyway.

"It's 'cos, I've always been scared I'd end up a demon. You know, vampire or whatever. I wanted you to know if something happened to me, because I hoped you'd hunt me down, kill whatever had taken over my body. I couldn't bear the thought of .. being like that."

"And what is that to me?"

"Look, Buffy, I'm asking you to help me. I don't know what it is that's controlling me, but it's taking my humanity. If you can't get rid of it, please, just kill me."

"Riley," Giles interrupts. "Why should we help you? We can research, try to find a way to rid you of this energy, we might even be able to come up with something strong enough to hold it, at least temporarily. But, keeping you here's an option too. While you're here, you're not a danger to us, and there's no reason for us to do anything."

"Look, I thought you'd do it just because it's right. But, if you help, I'll do what I can. It goes against everything I believe in, but I'll help you find Spike. I may not be much use right away, but once they think I'm over Sam's death, I've got a fighting chance of getting onto the team. Then, I'll pass on whatever information you need."

"Ok," Giles replies. "We'll consider your offer. Then, if we agree, we've got to find a way of freeing you of this energy. So, Jenna, if you would .."

She nods, but before she can say anything, I feel the other presence fighting for prominence. 

"It's coming back," I warn, as my arms start to pull at the chains. I'm losing control again, and the fear that had been pushed aside is rising again. They can see the terror on my face, and all I see on theirs is pity.

The witch recites her incantation, and my limbs freeze in place. I feel the roar of frustration inside, but it never erupts from me. As I am pushed down, my thoughts are all around the hope that Buffy will save me. 

*-*-*

More pain. Just as I start to be aware, start to hear, I feel the needle, and it goes again. Not the pain, that's there all the time, even when I'm out. I feel it, and I'm having dreams, well, nightmares would be closer, to account for it. Dawn's no longer there. Angelus figures pretty large in them. Him and Darla. Oh, and the Hellbitch too. 

I hear snatches of conversation as I come to the surface, but

it doesn't make a lot of sense. This time, as I come up, I make an effort to remain still, make them think I'm still out, try to find out something about what's happening.

"Samples complete?"

"Yes, that ought to do."

"Is the lab ready for them?"

"They've been calling for hours. Desperate to get to work."

"Well, he's finished. We'll bandage him so he doesn't bleed everywhere, and give him to the special team."

"What're they going to do with him?"

"Damned if I know. I wouldn't like the job of keeping him under control, I know that."

"I heard the special team's so top secret, even the President doesn't have security clearance."

"Wouldn't be the first time."

"Give him another jab to keep him quiet while he's transferred. Wouldn't do to have him coming round until they're ready to control him."

Then, there's the inevitable needle, and soon, I'm back with Angelus. The only thing that's keeping me sane is the knowledge that Buffy will look for me. She'll do it out of duty if not love. And, I'm almost starting to believe she'll do it out of love.


	11. Chapter 11 Fear and Resolution

****

Chapter 11 - Fear and Resolution

Giles didn't speak to me until we were back in his car. When we were both seated, and Jenna had climbed into the back, he put his keys in the ignition, then turned to face me.

"Thank you, Buffy."

"Why?"

"For your restraint. I know it wasn't easy."

I shrug. "Easier than you think."

He turns back to me in surprise.

"He's scared," I explain.

"Yes, he said he was."

"Giles, I don't mean he said he was scared. I could feel it. When Dawn .. was attacked, Spike knew because he could feel it. I realised I had felt it too, I just didn't understand then what it meant."

"You can feel fear from anyone?"

"Probably, but for most people, it's only if I'm close. I could feel Dawn's fear even when she wasn't. And, I've felt Spike's a couple of times. There's no hint that he's close, just that he's scared."

"But, you felt Riley's fear?"

I nod. The memory is almost enough to induce nausea. He's terrified. It almost makes his behaviour understandable. He's so scared he'll become a demon, he thinks he's failed while a single one walks the earth. And now, that fear includes me.

He pulls out onto the road. "So, what're your plans for today?"

"Keep on looking, asking, see if I can find anything. From what I've picked up, there haven't been any large-scale demon disappearances. I've tried everything I can think of, but I'm coming up with zero. What's the situation on the ingredients for Jenna's spell?"

"Well, Anya was going to order them first thing this morning. I've offered to collect if it'll speed things up - it's only a two-hour drive. I'll call in later and see what they said."

"So, Jenna," I ask, "what's so different about the new spells?"

"Well, one will track, not just where he is, but it should pick up evidence of where he has been. It should be possible to actually follow him from where he was last known to be."

"That should find him," I reply. I'm relieved. I have another thought. "What if they've flown him out of the country?"

"Well, it should still follow him, but it might be difficult for us to follow the trail unless we're also airborne. "

"Ok. You said spells? What's the other one do?"

"It's more sensitive, but otherwise similar to what I've already tried. It should be able to get through shielding, but it depends on the strength of the shield. If my coven was doing the shielding, it wouldn't work. It depends on the strength of the witch."

"You know what I can't figure?" I go on. "The Initiative using a witch. The people I met wouldn't have taken one seriously. I mean, electronic gizmos, yeah, they had all those, but magic?"

"Yes, I know, Buffy." Giles speaks without looking towards me. "But, if Riley really told him everything he knows, and, more importantly, if they've been watching us since, well, since the Initiative left, then they know how powerful a tool it can be. And, if they're in this to win, they'd be fools not to use it. And, I've never thought they were fools. Misguided? Certainly. Xenophobic? Quite probably."

"I wonder," I muse, as something occurs to me. "We know they tried some sort of brainwashing, or mind control or something on Spike. What if they did the same to their own people? The fear Riley's feeling, I don't think it's natural. I mean, I've been around lots of people who're afraid. It kinda goes with the territory. You rescue someone from being a vamp's next meal, you know the victim's afraid. I've felt it. But, what Riley's feeling, that's something else again."

Giles pulls in front of my house. "You may have something there, Buffy. I'll root around some contacts I have, and see if there's any information. I'm not hopeful, but you never know. Jenna and I are going to the hospital to see Willow. They want to discuss her discharge, and the sort of care she's going to need. Are you sure she can come here?"

"Yeah, there're three rooms. Two of them are ready, all they need is clean bed linen. The other room, well, I can clear the rest of the stuff into the basement, and then, it'll be ok. I mean, it's nothing special, but it'll be ok."

"Fine. I'll let you know when they plan to allow her home. And, I'll be in touch later anyway to let you know about the spell."

We say goodbyes, and I go inside. It's my home, but it doesn't feel like it any more.

There's not actually a lot I can do this early in the day anyway, so I spend some time doing the clearing out and bed changing that I promised. I also pack myself a bag of essentials. If I'm going to stay at Spike's, I need a few more changes than I'd already taken there.

The work actually helps. I mean, it's brainless, but it's physical, and it helps me get over the antsy feeling I've got that I should be out searching for Spike. 

I haven't felt anything from him for a while, and the thought that he might be dead is pushing its way into my mind. I'm forcing it away. I can't really believe he could die without me feeling something. I can't explain it, I just feel sure I'd know.

I use the toilet before I leave, and I remember my decision to buy a pregnancy test. I'll do it on my way to Spike's and do the test there. It seems more appropriate somehow. 

An hour later, I throw my things into Spike's room. It looks like we left it, just a couple of days ago. It's hard to believe he's gone, and I've no idea where he is. I'm tempted to lie on the bed, to feel him close to me, his smell, our smell still on the bedclothes, but I won't allow myself that comfort. I go into the bathroom to do the test, reading the instructions several times to make sure I can't make a mistake. It really does seem foolproof. But then, they never saw me in a Chem lab. For an instant, I wish Willow was here, but as soon as I think that, I realise I don't want her. There's only one person who should be sharing this with me, and he can't.

I've followed the instructions, now I've got to wait two minutes. I never knew two minutes could be so long. I know what the result's going to be, and yet my heart's hammering in my chest. It sounds like I've just done a strenuous round with Spike, whether fighting, or other .. activities. 

At last, the time's up. I look at the window in the test stick. 

*-*-*

I waken slowly, the pain which has even filtered into my dreams is still there. I look around, carefully. There's not a lot of light, but then, I don't need a lot. The first thing I realise, is I'm no longer restrained. That speeds up the waking process considerably, and I take a good look around.

That takes all of about two seconds. I've been in some boring rooms before, but this one takes the biscuit. There's nothing to see. The walls and the floor and the ceiling merge into one another. If I didn't know better, I'd say I was inside a sphere. I stretch out on the 'floor', and realise I was right. I'm inside a sphere. It's difficult to get a clear idea, but I try to estimate how big it is. Maybe twenty feet in diameter. There's no door of any kind that I can see, no windows, no bed, no furniture, no carpet, no nothing but me. I have no idea of where I am, or what the Initiative intends, other than to hurt me.

I take a look at myself. I'm dressed, after a fashion. I suppose you'd call what I'm wearing some sort of hospital gown. It stops above my knees, and it ties at the back. Not exactly my outfit of choice. Can't imagine anyone would choose to wear one. I give myself the once over. I've got scars and open wounds

all over. And, I mean, all over. It's like they were taking samples of every type of tissue they could.

I remember the last conversation I overheard. They were talking about samples. Why would they want samples of me? I have absolutely no idea, but I'm going to make it my job to try and find out. That's always assuming they don't simply leave me here to starve to death. I suppose it also assumes that they can actually let me out of here, 'cos, from where I'm sitting, there doesn't seem to be any way out.

My thoughts inevitably go to Buffy. Of all the times for me to be gone, this has got to be the worst. She's just lost Dawn, she's bereft, and I'm not there to look after her. Frustration fills me and I bring my fist down on the surface beside me. It's strangely yielding, but only to a point. Apart from the shape, it reminds me a bit of a padded cell. Now, that's a worrying prospect. Do they actually expect me to go mad? 

I can feel Buffy suddenly. She's sad. Well, hardly surprising. I feel like she's trying to reach me, and I know she'll do it. I don't know how, but she will. Nothing stops my girl when she makes her mind up about something. If they think I'm going to give up under the pressure of being here, they've figured without me knowing Buffy's looking for me. And, they've chosen the wrong man. I mean, I survived life with Angelus. They can't do anything to match that. Purely physical pain could never match up to what he could do. And, while I know Buffy's looking for me, they can't touch me mentally. I feel myself grin. It's not a nice grin, I know that. I'm going to get through this, and whoever's responsible will suffer. And, top of the list is Dawson. 


	12. Chapter 12 What's in a Name?

****

Chapter 12 - What's In a Name?

I knew what the result would be, but I'm still feeling shock. It's kind of hard to believe. It's not so long ago, I was a child, looking to my mom for what I needed. Ok, more recently, I was the typical teenager, rebelling against the restraints she put on me. Of course, some of those restraints were only a problem because I was the Slayer, and my mom didn't know. But later, just when we could have started to be really good friends, when she really understood what my life was, she was taken from me. I wonder what she'd think if she were still here. My mom, a grandmother. I don't suppose she was much older than I am when I was born, so I don't think she'd worry about that. And, she always did like Spike.

Then I remember who it is I'm carrying. It's Dawn. I mean, it could be another person, and Dawn could be coming later, but I don't really believe that. I go back into the bedroom, glancing out of the window. It's still daylight, and I know I can't do a lot until it's dark. Anyway, I'm still waiting to hear from Giles about the spell. It'd be so much easier to look for Spike if I actually have some clue where to start.

I'm tired. I suspect it's as much the emotional strain of recently as the physical demands, but that's not important. I give in to my earlier urge, and go and wrap myself in Spike's scent in his bed.

"I'm sorry, Dawn," I whisper. "Daddy should be here too, and as soon as I can arrange it, he's coming back to us. Till then, it's just you and me. I'll take care of you, do everything I can to keep you safe. But, finding your Daddy is important to your safety too. I know you know understand."

As I speak, I'm gently rubbing my stomach, trying to comfort the child inside. If she feels like I do, she needs comfort. She needs Spike, we both do.

I called her Dawn. I don't suppose that's the best idea. It'll be too confusing to give her the same name again. I need another name, but I'll have to choose it carefully. I make a mental note to buy a book of baby names. Not that I'm going to decide alone. That's something Spike and I will do together. Still, it won't hurt to have some ideas.

Rolled in the covers, surrounded by his scent, my hands on my stomach, imagining both of us, baby and me, wrapped in Spike's arms, I feel myself drift off to sleep.

__

I'm with Dawn, but she's not as I remember her. She's a baby, and, of course, my memories as Dawn's sister are of another child. This time, the baby is mine, my daughter, mine and Spike's. There's none of the jealousy or fear that surrounded the arrival of a sister. There's only love and wonder.

Spike's there too, we're a family. There's not much being said, at least, not in the conventional sense. Although I know she's too young to understand, I hear Dawn's voice in my head. 

"He's sharing this dream. He needs to know, he needs something to keep him strong. You've got to find a way to him, soon. Please."

"I will, little one," I respond without moving my lips. 

I hear the child's voice again, in my head. "Did you know that Zara means 'Glorious Dawn'? And that Renee means reborn?"

I smile, even within the dream, at the incongruity of this babe in arms telling me these things.

"Is that what you'd like to be called?" I ask.

"I don't know if what I like is important, but they feel right."

"If it's ok with Spike, it's ok with me," I reply.

Spike looks towards me and smiles. I take it that means we have an agreement. I hear Dawn's .. no Zara's giggle.

"He says he likes Zara. He says one of the Queen's grandchildren is called Zara. He says it gives the name a bit of class."

The dream fades, to be replaced by an insistent ringing that I'm unable to place immediately as I crawl out of the dream. At last, I realise it's my mobile, and I get up to pick up the clothes I shed when I came to bed, so I can find it.

"Buffy? Are you ok?" Giles sounds worried.

"I'm fine, Giles. I was asleep, that's all."

"Good." Relief is evident in his voice. "I've got the ingredients for the spell. I was lucky and spoke to someone who was willing to be extremely helpful. I'm on my way back with them now. I'll be at the Magic Box in about .. half an hour. Can you meet us there?"

"I'll be there," I reply, immediately deciding that a quick shower is in order.

*-*-*

I waken to the same scene as before, but everything's different. My heart's hammering in my chest, and I'm feeling no pain. Well, I wasn't feeling any pain. Then I made the mistake of moving, and it all came back. Still, the memory of the dream .. it's a little taste of heaven.

Of course, it was only a dream. It couldn't be more.

I hear another voice in my head, disagreeing with me.

****

"You believed Dawn's other dreams, why not that one?"

"Because it couldn't be true. I can't be Dawn's father."

****

"Because you're not worthy." The tone of voice is scathing.

"Well, yes, but not just that. It's not just that I don't deserve such a prize. It's Buffy, too. If she's pregnant, because I was so stupid as to not take precautions, when we're still not sure what sort of future we've got, if any, when it wasn't planned, it's hardly going to make her love me."

****

"She already loves you. She told you so. And, this is Dawn, remember? What could be better than having her back so soon?"

"Never having her go .."

****

"Well, apart from that. She loves you. She knows Dawn's back, even if she can't see her yet. She's her child, and the child of the man she loves. Of course she's happy."

"But she's so young, too young for that responsibility."

****

"Responsibility. You're saying she's too young for the responsibility when she's been responsible for the welfare of the world since before she was sixteen?"

"Well, yes, but that's different."

****

"Why?"

"Because she was chosen. She was given the strength to do that job."

****

"And she's been given what she needs for this one. She's got you. She's no longer alone."

"But I'm not there."

****

"You will be, as long as you don't give up. You have to keep strong, so you can be with her. With them. They need you."

The other voice is gone, and I realise my face is wet. The salty liquid is dripping onto a particularly large area of my chest that's been skinned. It looks like they systematically removed the skin from an area about four inches square, and that's only one of the injuries. I don't seem to be healing very quickly. Then again, I've got no concept of how long I've been here. It could be hours or days. Even weeks, if I've been out more than I realise. And, without feeding, even human food, I don't know how long it'll take to heal. 

I must've been here for a while, though. The thought of feeding immediately makes me think of blood, of feeling living blood flowing down my throat. I haven't had that thought so strongly for a while. I force the thoughts away.

I'm still not sure if I believe what the dream showed me, but I can hope. If there's any chance it is true, they won't break me. Whatever their plans for me, I'll stay strong, for my girls.

As I muse, imagining seeing the baby in my dream growing into the young woman I know she'll become, I hear something. A sizzling sound. I turn around quickly and find I'm no longer alone. I jump to my feet in alarm, ready to defend myself in any way I can. I study the creature closely. Probably a demon, but I've never seen the type before.

He/she doesn't really look like much of a threat. We're talking maybe three foot six tall. Human proportions, except for a larger than expected head. The colour's orange-ish, the orange of a cheap fake tan. Body's more or less human, except I'd guess it's adult despite the height. I'm guessing male too, but, although it doesn't appear to be dressed, there's no obvious sign of gender. The colour brings something to mind. I knew a vampire once who wanted to look more human so he wouldn't stand out. Said the pale look stopped him from getting close to the best looking girls, and that's what he wanted to eat. He tried some of that fake tan stuff, and it turned him bright orange. Didn't work out too well for him. Took forever to fade too. Something about the undead not shedding skin like the human population.

I pull my mind back to the creature who's now sharing my .. confinement. 

"Who are you?" I ask.

My companion just looks confused. And, scared. He looks scared of me. Now that I'm over the shock of his appearance, I realise I can feel the fear.

"Look," I try to reassure him. "I'm a prisoner here too. I've got no axe to grind with you. In fact, if there's anything you can tell me that'd help with the idea of getting out of here, we might even end up pals. What d'ya say?"

He's been looking at me, and I see the tension draining from his small body. 

"My name is Jacob."

"Spike."

"And you mean me no harm?"

"Unless you're in cahoots with the plastic soldiers who put me here, why should I be?"

"Oh," is all that he replies.

I shrug, and sit back down. If I want him to tell me what he knows, he's going to have to relax, and he's not likely to do that while I'm looming over him.

"They said you'd kill me."

"Who?"

"The people who put me in here."

"Did they give a reason for that opinion?"

"Said you were evil and bloodthirsty and hadn't fed in too long. Said you'd kill me right away, maybe even do it quickly because you were so hungry."

"Well, I'm not planning on killing you, so will you sit down and relax?"

He does so quickly, with the air of someone who's obeying an order. I sigh deeply. Whatever's got him spooked, it'll take more than me sitting down to persuade him that I'm not after his blood.

Suddenly, there's that noise again, that sizzle, and a package seems to materialise above us, falling to the 'ground' roughly between us. I regard it suspiciously. There's a smell coming from the package, filling the air, and I can't resist it. I approach cautiously, crawling up the slight incline to where it lies. I open it carefully to find exactly what I thought. There's a package of blood, and by the looks of it, it's donated human stuff. There's also a variety of human type food, and some things I don't recognise. Nothing too interesting food-wise, more along the lines of the pre-packaged stuff used by the military, but no doubt nutritious enough.

Regardless, it's the blood that draws me. I remember the last time, when the Initiative had me, the blood was drugged. I'm tempted to leave it, then I remember my promise of a few moments ago. I've got to be strong, and, even if it's drugged, the blood will help with that. I make my decision, and start to drink. My companion watches me warily, but says nothing.

When the blood's gone, I pull out the human food. I lay it in front of me, then go on to the things I don't recognise. I show them to Jacob.

"Do you know what this is?" I ask.

"Nutrition for me, it would appear."

"And this food?" I ask, indicating the rest.

"Would do me no good at all."

I nod, and push what is apparently his part of this meal towards him. He seems surprised, but accepts the offering.

"It may be drugged," I warn. "I mean, I don't know. Blood I drank may have been too, but it's the only way I can stay strong enough to get out of here. It's up to you whether you eat it or not."

He seems to understand, and begins to investigate what's been supplied.

The blood has done its job, and I can feel it starting to work, but it's no longer enough. I open a pack of grey-brown solid stuff that looks distinctly unappetising. It doesn't smell of much either, but take a bite anyway. As I suspected, it's tasteless, but I finish what's been given to me. I'm not about to waste anything.

This time I see it. There's a flash, the sizzle, and something else appears. I finish my meal, then go to investigate. It seems to be a receptacle for .. waste. How thoughtful. So, at least they're not going to just leave me, no us, to wallow in our own excrement.

I'm just wondering whether the mechanism that's caused Jacob and the rest to appear is a one way thing, or if it's possible to leave the same way, when the container for the food disappears in much the same way that it appeared. So, it is possible to leave.

I can feel the blood doing its work already. It's painful, as skin re-grows where it was removed, and deeper incisions knit together from within, but it's only pain. I lie out again, because there's really nothing else I can do. I lie and wait for the healing to be completed, and send my thoughts to Buffy. If she is pregnant, then she needs me. I may be a pitiful excuse for a father, but it looks like I'm all Dawn, no, Zara's got. I smile. So like the Bit, telling us what she's to be called. We've got our work cut out with that one, that's for sure.

"And if I was responsible, even because I was forced?" A voice breaks into my thoughts.

"Responsible?" I don't understand what Jacob means. I look over towards him.

"Responsible for your being held .. here." He indicates the sphere around us.

"Forced? What did they force you to do?"

"Among other things, I am responsible for the nature of your incarceration. I was .. naïve. When I realised things were not as I had been told, I refused to help further. The result is that I am here with you."

He pauses for a second. "They told me that you would kill me, painfully, unless I was very lucky. You are not as they would have had me believe."

"Ravening animal? Delighting in the pain of others?"

"Something like that."

"It's what they seem to believe, even when the evidence should tell them otherwise."

I sit up again. "So," I say, scooting closer to Jacob in what I hope is a non-threatening manner. "Where are we, and how do we get out of here?"

"Well, the first question is simple enough to answer. We are in another universe. One which contains only what you can see. The second question is also easy to answer, but I don't think you'll like that answer. Because, there is simply no escape."


	13. Chapter 13 Following the Thread

****

Chapter 13 - Following the Thread

I arrive at the Magic Box to find Anya busy as usual. Jenna was already there, looking around the shelves with interest. Anya seemed not to approve of her presence, on the grounds, I assume, that she wasn't there to spend money. I'm trying to remember how much Jenna knows about Anya's past, and I come to the conclusion it's not a lot. I've never actually had any cause to discuss the ex-vengeance demon, ex-human, vengeance demon. I'm really not sure how she'd take it. Of course, I don't know how much Willow told her while she was in England, but I can't see that it would have been relevant to their discussions either.

"This woman says she's waiting for you," Anya announces in her inimitable style.

"That's right, I asked her to meet me here. This is Jenna, and I've invited Xander and Buffy too."

"I'll have you remember that another time you used my place of business as a meeting place for friends of the Slayer. It was destroyed."

"I know, Anya. I'm the one who had to fill out all the insurance forms."

She's not even slightly mollified by that, and with a wordless expression of disgust, goes back to counting the money.

The bell rings, and it's Xander, with Buffy on his heels. Xander heads straight for Anya, while Buffy joins Jenna and I at the table. Xander seems to be trying to pacify Anya, while not actually admitting that any of the rest of us have any right to be here. I know I left all the running of the store to Anya, but I do still own it, and if it was anyone but Anya professing her opinions, I'd probably be rather annoyed. 

"So, Buffy, how are you?" I ask. She's looking worried.

"I'm fine, Giles, but I'll be better when we find Spike. So, we've got what we need for the spell?" Her manner is business-like, and I know she's trying hard to mask her true feelings.

I pull a packet from my inside pocket and leave it on the table in front of Jenna. She opens it, and goes through some sort of mental inventory.

"Anya," I call. "Jenna will need some other ingredients from around the shop. I'd appreciate it if you'd show her where they are. I'll pay for anything we take before we leave," I add, seeing the look on her face.

Now that she's a paying customer, Jenna gets Anya's complete attention. When the various ingredients are assembled on the table, Anya pointedly goes to the till and starts to add up the total.

While this was going on, Xander joined Buffy and I at the table, and I can tell he's concerned too. He knows that Spike's missing, as I filled him in on that, but he knows nothing about the DNA evidence, or Buffy's suspicion that she's already pregnant. I felt it important that Buffy choose when and how to pass on that information.

"I've got to do some preparations," Jenna tells us. "I'll be, perhaps, ten minutes. It would probably be better to work on a floor somewhere. Where would you suggest?"

"The training room?" I offer, looking at Buffy. She nods, and I get up to take Jenna into the next room before returning to the others. Although Anya's not sitting with us, I know she's picking up every word.

As I come out, I look at Buffy, trying to read what's on her mind.

"It's ok, Giles, I'm going to tell him." Buffy seems to have understood my thoughts.

"Tell me what?" Xander has that look of innocent curiosity that he's perfected over the years. It makes him look much more like sixteen-year-old Xander than the man he's become.

"That I'm pregnant. I'm expecting Spike's daughter, and I think , no, I know it's Dawn."

There's an initial stunned silence before Anya comes bustling over and gives Buffy a huge hug.

"Oh, that's wonderful. It's such happy news."

Anya continues to talk, but I'm no longer listening. I don't think Buffy is, either, judging by the way she's looking at Xander waiting for him to react.

"That's pretty big news there, Buff. Could you let the rest of us in on how you work all that out?"

"Well, the being pregnant thing comes from having done a test. The knowing it's Spike's, well, that's easy. I'm sure you can work that out. Unless, of course, you think I've been sleeping with a variety of demons. And the bit about it being Dawn? Well, that's because the DNA tests we had done before Dawn left, showed she was Spike's daughter. And mine. The fact that it's Dawn I'm carrying now comes from partly intuition, and partly a dream."

"You've done the test?" I ask.

Buffy nods, not taking her eyes off Xander's face as he digests the information. She's expecting animosity, and that's why she spoke the way she did, but I'm not so sure she's going to get that reaction.

"And there's been a dream?" I ask.

"Yeah." She drags her gaze away from Xander to look at me. "When you called, I'd been asleep. I dreamed that she was in my arms, and that she and Spike and I were together. She was a new-born baby, but I heard her voice in my head. She even told me she should be called Zara Renee. Apparently, that means Glorious Dawn, Reborn or something like that."

"So, Dawn was Spike's daughter?" Xander manages. It's taken a while, but he seems to have caught up at last.

"Yes, Xander," I confirm. "The DNA results were quite clear. She shared about half of her DNA with both Buffy and Spike, and the only logical conclusion is that she was their child."

"So," Xander looks at Buffy. "How do you feel about this?"

He's treading carefully, trying hard not to say anything wrong, but Buffy's wound tight, expecting his disapproval.

"How do I feel? Well, I'm going to get her back in a few months. She's my daughter, and the daughter of the man I love, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. How do you think I feel?"

"I don't know, Buffy. I mean, it must be a shock. And with Spike .. "

He stops short as tears appear in Buffy's eyes.

"I'm sorry," he says, as he jumps up to put a hand on her shoulder. "I didn't mean to upset you. 

Jenna comes in a moment later to tell us that she's ready. As soon as she hears this, Buffy's tears are dried roughly from her face, and she's all business again. I'm disappointed that I didn't get the chance to tell Xander about the Riley situation, but there'll be time later, and I can't see Buffy being willing to brook any delay.

We make our way into the training room, and sit as Jenna indicates. 

"The first spell is the more powerful version of the basic one we did before. It should see through fairly high levels of shielding. If that doesn't work, I'll do the second spell, which is designed to trace his movements from his last known location." The explanation is crisp and professional.

She lights five candles and places them around the circle we make, with a series of maps in the centre. She begins the incantation, sprinkling powder from a mixture she's made, over the map. There's no reaction. She changes the map to one covering a wider area and repeats the spell. Still no reaction. One after another, she changes the map, ending with one of the world, but there's nothing.

With the first spell complete, Jenna gets up to gather the things for the second spell. She removes one of the candles, redistributing the others evenly. I can see Buffy and she's pale, and the disappointment on her face is evident. Jenna returns quickly with another mixture, and some thread. This time, she places the thread in a coil on a map of Sunnydale and it's environs. One end she places at the location of the High School - the last place we know Spike was.

The incantation begins, and the powder is burned over each of four candles, representing, I assume, the four points of the compass. Slowly, the thread uncoils, unwinding and marking a route along the streets marked on the map. It's fascinating to watch as the fibre makes right-angled turns at intersections, leaving the town and heading, as expected, towards UCS. Once there, I assume specifically at the base Riley described, it pauses, then moves again, this time heading out of Sunnydale. The thread continues to move until it reaches the highway, heading roughly north. It leaves the highway, and moves coast-wards, the roads becoming less important, until it pauses. Apparently in the middle of nowhere, the thread's progress halts, and we wait for it to move again, but we're disappointed.

I feel the magic dissipating around us as the spell is ended. Buffy's looking closely at the map, and I'm doing likewise, trying to make sure I know exactly where I'm heading, because I know nothing less than an immediate departure will satisfy her.

"Right," the Slayer begins, standing and taking charge. "I'm heading there. Who's with me?"

Xander and I both answer in the affirmative, and Jenna nods her assent too. Anya, seeing that she's going to be alone otherwise, agrees to come too. We quickly arm ourselves as well as we can, but if there's a base of some sort out there, we can't hope to achieve much tonight beyond information.

As we head out to the cars, I put my hand on Buffy's shoulder. "If he's guarded, we might have to come back and work on some sort of plan," I warn.

She's about to argue, but her hand goes to her stomach, and I know she's trying to think this through rationally rather than emotionally. She nods, but I can see she finds the notion of coming home without Spike painful.

Buffy climbs into the back of my car, leaving the passenger seat for Jenna, while Anya chooses to travel with Xander. The drive is conducted in silence which gives me ample time to consider the way in which Buffy's life has changed recently, and is continuing to change.

A short while ago, the suggestion that she'd consider having any sort of relationship with Spike which didn't include stakes and dustiness would have seemed ludicrous. I thought, particularly after the Angel debacle, that she'd be loath to look at another vampire. Yet, the news that she'd been sleeping with him last year didn't come as that huge a shock. I don't know why that was. We laughed about it. We actually laughed when she told me. I know that was partly the tension of the accompanying events, but it just didn't seem so important. Of course then, she was also telling me it was over, in the past. But that was before we knew that Buffy's not entirely human, and before Spike got a soul.

I'm still amazed that he would do such a thing. I think we all realised he was apt to do some very strange things in the name of love, hence his behaviour as regards Drusilla, but to get a soul? It's such a huge undertaking. And it's not as if he didn't understand the consequences. He'd seen Angel, saw how the soul tormented him. He knew, and he understood fully what he was doing. 

If there's one thing I'm certain of, it is that he'd die for Buffy. Or Dawn. What's worrying me now is the notion that Buffy would do likewise. Well, we already know that she was willing to die for Dawn. I suspect that the fact that Buffy is now carrying Dawn, or should that be Zara? is what's going to keep her from doing something foolish. Of course, the hormonal changes involved in being pregnant might alter her perception too. It's all too much for my simple bachelor brain to work out.

As far as I know, there is no part of me that's remotely demon. Apart from the time that Ethan Rayne caused me to find out what it's like to be a Fyarl demon, of course. Despite my purely human sensibilities, I can feel Buffy's anxiety. It's like a fourth presence in the car. I know how she was at the height of her feelings for Angel, and it was nothing like this.

Jenna breaks into my thoughts with "I've spoken to my sisters at the Coven."

"Yes?" I reply.

"Yes. I wanted to discuss the situation regarding Mr. Finn. I had no ideas on how to free him from this energy that's taken over his will, and I wanted them to consider the problem too."

"And did they come up with anything?"

"Not so far, I'm afraid. The records of the Coven go back a long way, and they've promised to have our archivists look through everything they think might be relevant. I think it's safe to say that if anything of this type has been done before, there will be a record somewhere in our library."

"Good." I reply, as I pull off the highway at the point indicated by the thread.

The memory that Riley's responsible to some extent for Dawn's early departure means that I'm not actually too concerned about freeing him from the energy. What surprised me was Buffy's concern for him. The fear she could sense must have been exceptional in some way for her to put aside her perfectly understandable animosity towards him. I wonder again if he has been treated in some way to make him irrationally afraid of becoming a demon. If so, he is perhaps more to be pitied than disliked. Then again, if, as I suspect, Spike's in a highly defended base of some sort, Riley might be our best bet for getting him out. Of course, I don't know how far we'll be able to trust him. Whatever we do, I think we need to retain the ability to re-infect him with the energy. I can think of nothing else as likely to retain his loyalty as that.

I check the map which Jenna is holding for me when the roads became unfamiliar. If my memory serves, I take a right at the next intersection. The map confirms my belief, and I'm a little surprised when I see the road. If I hadn't known from the map that it was there, I'd have driven past without seeing it. It's hardly a road, although it is surprisingly even. The point where the thread trail stopped is about three hundred yards along this road.

I drive slowly, and I know that all of us are scanning the surroundings carefully as we progress. There is nothing. The road peters out into woodland, and there is nothing. I know we've gone far enough, too far even, but there is no installation around here. Even underground, I'm sure there's nothing. There are no buildings of any kind. Not even a shed or derelict mine that I can see. Of course, I can come back in daylight and confirm that, but I'm pretty sure now.

Buffy's trying to persuade me that we should continue, that there must be something in the woods ahead, and I know we're not going to get away without looking. I agree to Buffy's request that we continue for a short time on foot. I go to tell Xander and Anya what I've agreed, but Anya's shaking her head.

"What is it?" I ask.

"There's no one within five miles of us right now."

"How can you be sure?" Buffy asks.

"Vengeance demon? There's not a human adult on this planet, and very few children, who are completely without thoughts of vengeance. Most of them are so mild and fleeting that you don't even know they're there, but I can feel them. I feel them all the time. Of course, I only act on the most significant ones, but I can feel all the rest. Spike's a perfect example, and he's not even human. He's got all sorts of things that go through his head. Most of them are directed at Angel, of course. So I know Spike's not here."

"He could be unconscious," Buffy offers.

"He could be, but he'd be bound to have some sort of guard, and there's no one here."

Buffy deflates at the news, but agrees reluctantly to give up for now. We pile back into the cars, and head back towards Sunnydale. The main questions in my mind are why they would have brought Spike out to this remote spot in the first place? And, of course, where is he now?

I wish Buffy was sitting in the front now, so I could better gauge how she's coping, but I don't suppose it makes much difference. She's obviously deeply disappointed, and there's nothing I can offer to make that better. I just hope we can come up with some way to enable Riley to help us, because at the moment, I simply don't see any other options.


	14. Chapter 14 A Long Story

Chapter 14 - A Long Story

"It's a long story," Jacob warns me.

"I'm not going anywhere," I remind him, trying to get comfortable without looking threatening. He's not as scared as he was, but he's a long way from feeling safe.

"Well, the question is, where to begin?"

"I always found the beginning a good place," I reply, trying to keep the irritation out of my voice.

"Yes, you're probably right."

He takes a deep breath, then starts. "Well, now, the beginning of this story was a long time ago, before this world was inhabited by the people who are here now. At that time, people, I suppose you'd say demons, like me, used this world. It wasn't our home or anything, but we visited. We had long been able to travel between worlds, and we used those without, well, intelligent life, for our own purposes. Of course, we didn't do anything to harm them. Our society was based even then on principles which required that we do no harm. Inevitably, while most were happy to live within these restraints, one of our number was not. He was called, well, I don't know what he was called originally, but he called himself Blar. In our tongue, that means pain, agony, torment, or some combination of those ideas."

"I'm guessing he wasn't a friendly chap," I comment, wondering what this has to do with the present.

He gives me a look which shows clearly that he doesn't understand the concept of sarcasm.

"So, what did Blar get up to?" I ask, and I know I sound impatient.

"Well, he wanted this world for himself. If he lived now, he could simply make a new world, but that's something we've only been able to do more recently. He wanted to destroy everything here, and make it up to some design of his own. He generated an energy, and it was designed to do just that. He had already set it to work when his plan was discovered, and stopped. Well, when I say stopped, it was more, paused. The energy couldn't be destroyed just like that. All we could do was contain it. A number of vessels were used, but none lasted for long. Eventually, we found a way to contain the energy for sufficient time, and that was done. At the same time, work to find a means to permanently neutralise the energy began. We started to generate an equal but opposite energy to do that task, but it was going to take aeons to achieve."

This is all sounding remarkably familiar to me, but I'm not about to let him know that. 

"If this Blar could just make the energy in the first place, why did it take the rest of you so long to make this neutralising energy?"

"Well, yes. Now, you see, that's why he took on the name Blar. He used the suffering of the creatures of this, and other worlds to create the energy. He destroyed life, even intelligent life, on many worlds, killing the creatures in the most horrific ways, to generate the energy. The more the suffering before death, the greater the energy generated. We, of course, couldn't do that. We've had to use the background levels of emotion, in our case, both positive and negative emotion, to produce the energy. Add to that the fact that we had to hide the receptacle, so that it wasn't close to anything living, and you can begin to see why it would take so long."

"Ok, so, what happened?"

"Well, now, we buried the two receptacles. One, we named the Orb of Fire because of it's appearance. It was the essence of pure evil, and it had an intelligence of its own. That was buried where we believed it couldn't be found. The other, which was to gather the positive energy, we named the Key. It was buried elsewhere, although close enough to ensure only a small amount of damage would be caused before neutralisation."

He's looking at me, as if expecting that I wouldn't believe him. "So, what has all this got to do with you and me and where we are now?" 

"To understand that, I'll have to tell you a little about me. I'm a scholar, of sorts. Very junior, of course. I'm fascinated by ancient history, and have studied the whole Blar incident in minute detail. It was obvious from some ancient notes I uncovered, that the time for the neutralisation was close. I suppose it was foolish, but I wanted to see it for myself, to be a part of history. So, I hid the notes I found, and obtained, in a less than approved manner, one of the devices we use to travel between worlds. I came here to see the final end of the Blar episode, and to record it for history."

"That explains why you're here, but not anything else."

"Yes. You see, when I got here, I found things very different from the projections made at the time. This world was expected to remain at a low level of advancement. It was never checked, due, I believe, to the acute embarrassment felt by our kind that one of us could be as Blar was. Instead of the rather basic emergence of intelligence that was expected, I found a society which, although primitive compared with my own world, was really quite advanced. That made what I was trying to do much harder, since I had hoped to remain hidden from the inhabitants of this world."

"Ok, so how did you get involved with the Initiative?"

"You use that word strangely. Initiative?"

"The uniformed gits that put us here?"

"Oh, I see, you use it to indicate an organisation. That's not the name they used with me. They called themselves the Defenders of Humanity."

"Different name, same ideas, I suspect."

"Perhaps. So, in order to avoid being seen by the people of this world, I generated another universe - not this one, the one I generated was quite a bit .. bigger. The device that brought me here could do that, of course, as well as transfer me between worlds with little effort. Whenever I was in danger of being seen, I simply left."

"Something tells me you slipped up."

"Well, no, not exactly. I was hiding, in a more mundane way, watching while a human fought against one of the aggressive demons which seem to congregate in this area. He was losing, so I decided to save him. I managed to grab him and take both of us to my manufactured universe. While we were waiting for it to be safe to return, he told me about the situation on your world. Or, at least, he told me how he saw it. I've since discovered that the Defence of Humanity has aims other than those he shared with me."

"Let me guess. He told you the people of this world were in daily danger from demons, and their only purpose was to ensure the safety of humanity."

"Well, yes. So, naively, I thought I could help. It seemed, well, rather romantic, helping an inferior race. Exciting. So, he took me to his superiors, and I did what I could. The first thing I did was to allow them to use the universe I created. I retained the main device I had brought, but I was able to make some smaller, restricted-use units which I gave to them. They said they needed a base which couldn't be over-run by demons. They didn't restrict me in any way, and I thought I was doing the right thing."

"I set about the task of finding the Orb and the Key. I found the Orb easily. It was where records showed it should be, and I was able to sense its presence. The Key was a different matter. The way I can sense these things is rather like sight. You can see something, but only if you're looking in the right direction, and there's nothing in the way. The Key wasn't where it should have been, and I only found it by chance. It seems that, at some time in the past, the energy was taken from its receptacle, and placed in a human. Very tricky thing to do, well beyond the expected ability of your race. So, once I knew the whereabouts of the two energies, I prepared to wait for the inevitable. Of course, since the Key was a human, it moved around a lot, but its movements were predictable. Then, I lost the Orb. It disappeared from where it had been, and I turned my attentions to finding it. While I was doing that, I started to notice things that were going on in their base. It seemed that demons were being brought into my universe and kept there for reasons I couldn't understand. I was distracted from looking into that by tracking down the Orb of Fire. Of course, I hadn't mentioned it to the humans, but it turned out that they had unearthed it, and were trying to understand its nature."

"I only discovered its new location moments before it disintegrated. The very people I had helped, had destroyed the Orb and allowed the neutralisation to take place before balance was achieved. I felt the changes caused by the partial neutralisation of the evil, and I knew they were responsible."

"After that, I started watching the DoH people closely. That's when I made this universe. It's actually within my first manufactured universe, and it was to be a hiding place while I snooped around the base they had developed out there. It was while I was doing that, that I found out what they were doing to you. Unfortunately, they caught me. You see, the access I gave them was to the first universe I made. The problem was, that as this universe is completely within that one, they have access here too. They were able to come here, and took me back to their base."

"As a result, they took the master device, and tried to make me give them command of it. It soon became obvious that I had been duped. They had allowed me to believe that I was a valuable ally only for so long as I could be of use to them. They always intended to kill me, but only wanted complete mastery of my device. They had hoped to make me trust them enough to give them full access. It's keyed to me, of course, so no one but I can operate it. The remotes I provided for them are very simple units, programmed to do only what I wished them to do. I refused to show them how to use the main unit. They tried to use pain to persuade me, but gave up after a while. I'm not very brave, but I have got some simple defences. I can block pain in a limited way, but my tolerance is finite. I can't allow them access to other worlds without restraint. Sooner or later, though, I fear they'll succeed. We, my people, are peace loving. We haven't had any aggressive tendencies for so long, and our methods for blocking out pain are rather basic. I think they hoped that threatening to put me in here with you was going to make me change my mind."

"So, we're in a universe within a universe which is part of the one I'm used to?"

"More or less, yes. They've been taking samples from you, did you know that?"

"I'd guessed as much."

"Do you know why?"

I shake my head.

"I believe they want to clone you. They plan to obtain an army of creatures like you. They claim you appear human, and could pass for human under all but the strictest scrutiny, but that you possess a number of advantages which would make you very useful as a soldier. They plan to clone an army of creatures like you, but to ensure, either by training from childhood, or by some sort of control, that they are all completely loyal to their creators. Even now, they're trying to find a species of demon which can carry cloned embryos to term."

An army of me. It's an uncomfortable thought. They obviously don't have any plans to control me directly, just to use me as a source of the DNA. It's a depressing prospect.

"Let me guess. We could get out of here if we had one of the remotes, or better still, the main device?"

"Yes, of course. But, I don't believe they're planning on allowing us anywhere near either."

We're both silent for some time. Jacob eventually breaks the silence. 

"You don't seem surprised at what I've told you."

It's the moment of truth. Do I tell him my half of the story? Throughout the time he was talking, I've been monitoring the signals he's been giving out. He's either extremely adept at controlling those signals, or he's been truthful.

"Tell me, is there any way someone outside could know what's going on in here?" I ask.

"No, there isn't. Even if they'd put some sort of transmitter in here, the signal can't leave."

"Good. Them, I'll tell you what I know. I knew about the Orb and the Key."

He looks aghast at me, as I explain my own involvement with them.

When I finish, he looks closely at me. Jacob's face changes, his expression becoming almost, reverent.

"W..were you present when, when the energy from the Orb was neutralised by the Key?"

I nod. It's a painful memory, even now, even knowing that she's coming back. In some ways, it's even more painful than it was because of what I know now.

"You are honoured indeed. To have witnessed that .. It's what I came for." 

He shakes his head in an attempt, I assume, to get back to the matter in hand.

"So, you know about the Key. How did it become human?"

"As far as we've been able to work out, a group of Monks did it. They were trying to hide the Key from a Hellgod called Glory. The most recent information we have is that they took someone out of the future, and put the energy into her body. That someone was given to the Slayer, Buffy, as a sister, and she and I were given the job of keeping her safe."

"Do you know who she was? In her own time?"

"We knew she must be a blood relation of Buffy's. We didn't know anything else."

I pause. The dream was so wonderful, so personal, that I'm loath to share it.

"Is it possible that this human is the offspring of the Slayer?"

"It's possible," I admit, wondering how much he's guessed.

"And you see it as your job to keep this Slayer safe too?"

I nod. Never was too good at hiding my feelings.

"You love her." 

He doesn't expect an answer, because it wasn't a question. I don't know if he's thinking along the lines of my dream, but I'm still not willing to share that.

"So, with you out of the picture, this child, whoever she is, has less chance of being born and growing to become the Key. I assume you still see it as your job to protect her?"

"Promised I would, till the end of the world."

It's been niggling at the back of my mind as I listened to Jacob, but now it pushes forwards, and I decide to mention it.

"Doesn't it seem to be a bit of a coincidence?"

"What?"

"Well, these soldier boys were responsible for destroying the Orb. And, they've got me here where I can't keep Dawn safe. What happened to Blar? I mean, he's no doubt long dead, but did he have followers? Could someone be pulling strings?"

I'm not an expert at recognising facial expressions in various demons, but one glance at Jacob's face, and I know he's initially disbelieving, then giving the idea serious consideration.

"There were rumours," he admits. "Rumours that Blar had followers. Blar himself died, and the followers were never found, and it was generally assumed to have been a false lead. Of course, over the centuries, myths have sprung up. You know the kind of thing - stories to scare the gullible. One of those stories involves exactly that - followers of Blar."

His expression changes again. The look now is undeniably one of fear, and it's matched by the feelings he's pushing my way. The prospect that this organisation exists frightens him even more than I did. And that's worrying.


	15. Chapter 15 Sleeping Alone

****

Chapter 15 - Sleeping Alone

I try to remember how I used to sleep without Spike. It hasn't been long, but I'm finding it all but impossible to find any rest without him. Of course, thinking about him, imagining what's being done to him, well, it's not designed to give a restful sleep.

Against Giles' advice, I patrolled tonight. There was nothing too worrying around, just the usual fledglings, but I took out my fury on them. I just had to get rid of the energy that's filling me, desperate to get out, desperate to mete out punishment to whoever's got Spike.

Of course, lying here like this, it's giving me time to think back. I don't want to do it, but I can't help it. It's slightly better than imagining them torturing Spike, but one alternative is memories of me torturing him. I did it every way it can be done. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I pulled him apart, and it's only recently I've had the chance to put him back together again, or at least to start doing it. Despite that, he loved me. Every time I hit him, every time I told him he was worthless, every time I broke his heart, he loved me anyway. 

I'm the Chosen one, a warrior for good. How could I have treated him so badly? 

I need him so much, his absence is like part of me is missing. It wasn't so long ago I realised how much he meant to me, and thought he couldn't still love me, but I was wrong. His love is something precious, something I need like I need oxygen.

My hands are on my stomach again. I wonder if it's something I've always done, but been unaware of, or if it's just since I've known I'm pregnant. I imagine the baby, tiny and unrecognisable if I remember High School biology. Of course, I really didn't think it'd ever be me, with a child growing inside me. I love her. I love her so much it scares me. She needs me. I feel a pang of guilt when I remember patrol. I took risks. No, nothing too major, there really wasn't anything out there which was a significant threat, but I could have staked them quickly, without pounding on them first. 

I suppose it's the demon in me that makes me do it, makes me love the fight. Except I think I always did.

When I finished patrol, I went to Willy's. I've asked there before, but I had to do it again. I had to find out if anyone knows anything about demons disappearing, or has any clue where they might be taken. All I got were shoulders shrugging, and comments that one or two regulars hadn't come in for a while, but no one seemed to think it was too unusual.

I turn over, desperate to find a position that will allow me to sleep, but in doing so, I spot the clock. It'll be light in half an hour, and I know I've got to go to work. I've offered to do some of Spike's job while he's gone. It's funny. I suppose it's hellmouthy, but when I called the Principal to explain that Spike won't be coming to work for a while, he accepted it without question. He seemed surprised when I offered to do some security checks and keep up to date with some of the projects I know Spike's working on.

Of course, the last thing I want to do is go to work, but I've got no choice. If it was just me, I'd leave, spend all my time trying to find Spike, but I don't have that luxury, not any more. I've got to think about Zara. If .. I hate to even imagine it, but if Spike doesn't make it, I'm all she's got. I don't earn a lot, but it's enough to keep us fed and clothed, and maybe, if I sell the house, buy something smaller, I'll be able to get all the things she's going to need.

The prospect of Zara being born into a world without Spike causes my eyes to fill with tears. I won't let it happen. I don't know how I'm going to prevent it, but I'm determined it won't happen.

I wish I could talk to him, let him know I'm doing my best to find him, but I can't.

I open my eyes, and scan the room. Spike's room. It's still rather bare, almost like a hotel room with its lack of personal items. I don't suppose he's had much time to do any nesting.

The word nesting scrambles around in my brain. It's something I need to start considering. Not yet, it's too early, but the baby's going to need so much. And I want to share the choosing with Spike.

It occurs to me for the first time that I don't know how Spike's going to react to fatherhood. I mean, it's not something he's considered for a long time. He was angry with himself when he realised we'd been together without taking precautions, but he didn't give me any real indication of how he would feel if it happened, beyond feeling guilty about what it would do to me.

Despite that, I just know he's going to be happy about it. I remember the dream, the look of complete awe on his face as he looked at the baby. He seemed happy. If he's not, .. No, that's not a possibility. He's going to love her, all the more so because he already does.

I remember Giles agreeing to meet Xander and Jenna at the Magic Box early this morning, before Xander goes to work. I know I'm not going to sleep now, so I get up, shower quickly, and go into the kitchen to see if there's any food. Buying food on anything like a regular basis hasn't exactly been a high priority for either Spike or me recently. I'm relieved to find some eggs, so I boil two and eat them with some toast made from bread that's a little hard, but showing no signs of mould. Whatever else I do today, I've got to do some grocery shopping. 

I arrive at the Magic Box before anyone else, so I use the key Giles gave me so I can train, and let myself in. I go out to the training room, but I decide to leave the punch bag alone. In some ways it'd do me good to spend some time on it, but in others, I'd only need to shower after, and I'm dressed for work, not training, so I close the door behind me as I go into the main shop.

I'm faced with Anya, looking irritated.

"Oh, it's you. I thought someone had broken in, and was stealing all my stock. You shouldn't frighten me like that," she chides.

I apologise, and turn to see Xander on her heals. It looks like they're mending their fences. I'm glad, for both of them. They were both so unhappy apart, but seeing them just makes me feel the lack of Spike even more.

Within minutes, Giles arrives with Jenna, and a box of doughnuts. I can't help myself, I've got to have one, even though I've already had breakfast. I've always had a good appetite, but this whole being pregnant thing seems to have put it up a notch. If I'm not careful, by the time the baby's due, I'll be huge.

We sit around the table, well, not Anya. She's much too busy making the store ready for opening to sit down, but I know she's listening.

"So, Giles, what's going on?" Xander asks.

"Well, I wanted to get together to let you know about Riley, and to discuss what we're going to do about him."

Xander's face darkens at the mention of the name, but he doesn't understand what's going on and says so.

Giles tells him, going through the details of his attempt on my life, and the information we gleaned from him before the energy started to take him over again. If there's something to be said for being brought up on a hellmouth, it's the fact that he doesn't once look as though he doesn't believe what he's being told. Well, unless you count the bit where he mentions that we're looking for a way to help him.

"I think we should just leave him as he is," he states. "If he's not a threat, he deserves what's happening to him, after what he did to Dawn."

"Xander," I butt in, "I would have said the same too a while ago, especially now we know the Initiative's got Spike, but there was something about him. When I think back, I suspect it was always there, but I didn't have the senses to really feel it. The others, in the Initiative, they had it too. They had a fear of demons that made them kinda crazy. I think that's why they see every thing so black and white. The fear that he'd become infected by a demon was completely overwhelming him. Like I said to Giles. I know fear. I feel it now, like another sense. I've rescued people who thought they were going to die, and I've felt their fear. What Riley was feeling the other night is so far beyond that, there's no way it could be natural."

"So, what are you suggesting?" he asks.

"Well," Giles goes on. "If we can't find Spike by any other means, maybe we can use Riley. I propose we all start to research a way to remove this energy from Riley. If we can do it in such a way that we can put it back if he dupes us, so much the better. I'm not saying I trust Riley, I'm just saying we're out of other options at the moment."

"So, any ideas? I mean, you've got to have something we can work on, right?" Xander's hopefulness is naïve, but almost heart-warming.

"Well, no, I'm afraid we haven't. Jenna's got her coven looking into their historical records, and we've got the books here. Between us, perhaps we'll .."

"Willow." It's a single word from Xander, but it gets our attention.

"Willow? I echo.

"Willow'll come up with something. She always does." His faith in her is undaunted.

"I'm not sure it's a good idea to get her involved in this," Giles advises. "We don't know how she's going to recover from her latest set back. What do you think, Jenna?"

"Well," the witch says after considering the question for a few seconds. "I'm inclined to agree with you, but for one thing."

"And that is?"

"I'm not sure we're going to have a choice."

Giles sighs, and Xander looks almost triumphant. I've got mixed feelings. I mean, regardless of everything else, Riley hates Spike. It's more than the whole 'demon hating' thing, too. With Spike, it's personal. The whole eggs fiasco proved that if nothing else. It wasn't enough for him to kill Spike, let's face it, Riley had opportunity enough. He had to destroy him, and making me think he'd decided to incubate a nest of demon eggs was pretty effective. I think he even expected me to stake him.

That memory reminds me of Spike's face when I told him it was over. His expression, even then, made me want to go to him, hold him. Walking out of his crypt that day is one of the hardest things I'd ever done, and it was all for nothing. 

I return to the present, to find that the conversation's gone ahead. They're discussing Willow's imminent return from hospital.

" .. .. too soon. I told her, but she won't listen."

"I know, Xander," Giles replies. "But, you know Willow when she's made up her mind about something."

"Resolve face," I mutter.

"Well, yes," Giles agrees. "So, she'll be out of hospital tomorrow. I don't know how she thinks she's going to manage in that house, without her sight, but she's determined. They've offered to help with that, there're people who specialise in helping the newly blind acclimatise to their new way of life, but she's turned them down flat."

"Well," Xander begins, then stops.

"Well what?" I ask.

"When I went to see her yesterday, I'm pretty sure she could see."

Now, that's got our attention. "What do you mean? If there's been some change in her condition, they should have informed me, I'm down as her next of kin," Giles blusters.

"No, there's no change, I don't think. Look, it was Anya who made me see that I wasn't going mad, and I think she's right."

All eyes turn to Anya, who returns the look.

"Well," she states, in her best, 'you humans really don't know anything' voice. "Willow probably doesn't need her eyes to see. I mean, she's used them because she could. But, if they're damaged, she can probably see without them. It won't be the same, of course, and the detail seen varies from person to person, but I'm sure she can use her gift to see."

Giles turns his attention back to Xander.

"Xander, I think you'd better tell me what makes you think she can see."

Anya huffs at the way Giles has taken his attention away from her.

"Well, when I visited, she followed me round the room. I don't mean she got up and walked around, I mean, her head moved, so she was always looking towards me."

"She could probably hear you," I offer.

"That's what I thought at first," he counters. "But then, I tried to fool her, move quietly, but she always knew where I was. And then, two nurses came in, and she called them both by name."

"She must have known they were on shift," Giles suggests.

"No, she was surprised at one of them, but she had been asked to cover for someone else at the last minute."

"If you suspected something," Giles asks, "why didn't you mention it last night."

"Because it didn't make sense. It was only when I told Anya last night, and she suggested .."

All eyes flit back to the vengeance demon, who's now pointedly ignoring us.

"Anya," Giles calls.

"Oh, so you do want my opinion, then?" She bristles as she says the words. "I thought the opinion of a mere demon couldn't possibly be important enough."

Anya's words cut me, renewing the guilt I already feel for how I treated Spike. I get up and go to the counter. Her hands are on top of the unit, clenching the edge, and I grasp one in each of my own hands. 

"I'm a demon too," I remind her. 

She nods, relaxing a little.

"So, you think she's using, what, magic to allow her to 'see'?"

"It's been done before. There was a time, in some cultures, when babies would be blinded at birth to improve the development of the other sight. History has hundreds of examples of seers, and a disproportionate number of them were blind."

"Well," Giles says, taking off his glasses. "That changes things, I suppose. I'll see what I can discover when I visit her this morning."

"Meeting over?" Xander asks, getting up. "'Cos I've got a team starting a new job this morning, and I need to get over there and make sure everything's ready."

"And I'd better get to work," I add, following him.

"Yes, yes, that's everything." Giles' mind is obviously locked on Willow right now, and I suspect he's glad to be rid of us.

"Wanna ride, Buffy?" Xander asks, as he approaches Anya for a good bye kiss.

"Thanks," I say. "I've got a lot to do today, that'd be great."

"Buffy," Giles pulls his attention back to the present. "I know you're worried, but you've got to be careful not to get too tired. Did you sleep last night?"

"No, not much, " I admit.

"Well, don't take on too much at work. Jenna's going to get in touch with the coven later this morning, and if there's nothing hopeful there, then we'll broach the subject of Riley with Willow. We will get him back."

Giles' reassurance means a lot to me, and I run to him and give him a hug. He's really not sure what to do with that, but he returns it rather stiffly, before I disengage myself, and head for the door.

Once in Xander's car, I know he's got something to say. He keeps glancing at me as he drives, as if trying to gauge my mood.

"Out with it," I demand.

He has the grace to look sheepish.

"So, what have you got to say that you're afraid is going to make me hit you?"

"Well, Buff. I've been thinking. You know, about your news. That you're pregnant."

"And," I reply, trying to keep the edge of irritation out of my voice. I'm still waiting for the big Spike put-down.

"And, I just want you to know that I'll be there for you all the way."

I sigh with relief. I really don't feel like arguing with Xander right now.

"And you know," he continues, and I just know he's going to say something I don't want to hear.

"If.. if Spike doesn't make it, I'll be there for you. And, if he does, and, you know, doesn't want the .. responsibility."

The anger rises in me, but I do my best to keep my voice level.

"Stop the car."

"Buffy, I .."

"Stop the car."

He pulls into the kerb, and I go to get out, but he puts a hand on my arm.

"Buffy, you've got to admit it's a possibility. He's been a vampire for a century. It's not the ideal training for fatherhood."

Xander's words remind me of my own niggling doubt of earlier, but I realised it was stupid of me to doubt him. 

"And remember what happened during that time. He looked after Dru - crazy Dru, staying with her, even when Angelus .. And then there's Dawn. He didn't know there was any link to him, but he cared for her, looked after her, loved her. When it comes to responsibility, I can't help thinking evil, undead Spike could teach some humans a thing or two."

I pull my arm out of Xander's grip, and get out of the car. I don't know what hurts more, the fact that Xander would think so little of Spike, or the fact that the same thought flashed through my mind. Spike loves our daughter. I know that. He loved her when she was an obnoxious teenager, and he'll love her as a baby.

I walk to school in record time, adrenaline fuelling my efforts. I just hope I don't get any sensitive types coming to me for counselling today, because I suspect I'll traumatise them if I don't manage to calm down


	16. Chapter 16 Sight

****

Chapter 16 - Sight

Another morning in the hospital. The problem with this place is there's too much time to think, too many questions, and no answers to be had.

When I woke to a world of darkness, I felt it was deserved. I knew I'd allowed the darkness to take me again, although the reasons weren't clear. It seemed fair that the world should be dark too.

Over the days since then, they've explained how I was injured, and how they're amazed at my recovery. Giles thinks it's the magic that's done it, working from the inside, so its effects were hidden until almost complete. 

The doctors don't know about my eyes. They think they might recover over time, but I suspect that's only because I've defied all their experience so far.

Of course, the prospect of being blind terrified me at first. The first couple of days were like a nightmare, and it was all the worse for being deserved. Then things started to change. It crept up on me without my even realising it. Almost like it'd always been there, but I'd been so used to ignoring it, that I didn't know it was there. I can see people. I can't see the colour of their eyes or their hairstyle. I can't see what they're wearing or whether or not they're smiling. I can see how they feeling, only in crude terms just now, but I think there's a lot more information that I just need to understand. It's going to take some learning. 

I don't know how far this new 'sight' of mine can reach, or what else it might be able to do. When I've tried to push the sense beyond the room I'm in, I tire quickly, but I don't know how much of that is simply because I need practice, or because I'm not as strong as usual. 

I sense inanimate objects, but don't get a lot of information on what they are. I might be able to do more of that, but it's going to take time. Still, it should be enough to stop me tripping over things too much.

I haven't mentioned this new sense to anyone yet. I know, it's cowardly, but I'm scared of their reaction. If it's the magic, and I'm using it, they're going to be scared that I'm out of control again.

I've been allowed up to walk around the room, and apart from a bit of residual pain and a lot of stiffness, that's ok.

The one thing I've had to rely on others for is how I look. I know, after what I've done, allowing the darkness to take me, I don't deserve a pretty face, but it's something you get used to. Even back in High School days, before I was happy with my body, I was always glad that my face seemed good. Well, to me, anyway. And Tara. And everyone says it's fine. I can't feel any scarring, so I suppose I've got to believe them.

It's hard that I can't think of Tara without remembering what I've done in her memory. I tried to end the world once. The second time, I'm not so sure what happened. I know I started a fire, destroying everything I had left of Tara's, but I think there was more to it than that. It's like there's something in my mind, but it's behind a locked door, and I've lost the key. I think it's got something to do with Buffy's sister.

Now that's really weird. It seems there's this girl, and I knew her, cared for her, but she has no part in my memory at all. It gives me a little taster of how Tara must've felt when I meddled with her memory. It's hard not to hate myself for that, and the only thing that stops me is the knowledge that she forgave me.

I sense him coming before the door opens. Giles walks in, and I notice he's alone.

"Xander had to go to work," he explains.

"Yeah, he said."

"So, how are you feeling this morning?"

"Good. Really looking forward to getting home. The doctor's coming in a while, and if he gives the ok, I should be able to leave right away."

"That's fine. I can take you home. I've arranged with Buffy that Jenna and I will stay with you for a while, but you may need to consider moving to somewhere smaller."

"Why?"

"Well, in the short term, if you can't see, somewhere smaller might be easier."

There's a note to his voice that tells me he's fishing for information. Maybe I've not been so good at keeping secrets as I thought. I decide to ignore it, for now anyway.

"I'll be ok, Giles," I reassure. "But you said that as if there's another reason."

"Well, perhaps there is, but it's not my place to tell you."

"Oh," I reply, and I'm getting such mixed signals from Giles that I can't work out whether it's good news or bad. "So, any news on Spike?"

"Sadly, no. We tried some further spells, but there's no sign of him. We followed his trail, but it disappeared in the middle of nowhere."

I know I'm knitting my brows as I consider this. The spell they must have used to follow his trail is foolproof if you can get it to work. It's pretty advanced, though, and I've never tried it. Suppose I've never wanted to find someone that badly.

"So, how's Buffy?"

"She's coping, but I can't say she's coping well. I never thought I'd say this, but she needs him."

"I must admit it seems a bit odd to hear you saying that."

He smiles wryly at me. "Yes. After everything she went through with Angel, you'd think a vampire would be the last thing she'd need, but especially now.."

I thought he was going to go on, but he stopped. I suppose it's whatever it's not his place to tell.

"So, you got the sofa again?" I joke.

"At Buffy's? No. I er, I've got Buffy's room - the one you and .. you used to have. I've taken it because I can move out quickly if Buffy wants it back. You've got Buffy's old room, and Jenna's going to use Dawn's room."

"So, where's Buffy sleeping?"

"She's using Spike's flat. I think she's finding it easier to be there. I suspect she finds our concern for her a bit more than she can take."

There's silence then, until Giles glances at his watch. "Did the doctor give any indication of when he would be coming?"

"Eleven, I think."

"Oh."

I hear him getting up and moving around the room. Of course I can feel him too. He's a strange mixture of dependable logic and emotion. Emotionally, there's concern for Buffy, and some fear too.

"Riley tried to kill Buffy the other night."

I didn't see that one coming.

"Because she's not human any more?" It's the only thing that makes sense to me.

"No, oddly enough. I don't think he knew that. No. You know what I told you about when Dawn left. The fact that it happened too soon?"

"Yeah, so there would've been some energy left over."

"Exactly. Anyway, I believe, that energy, or at least some of it, took refuge in Riley Finn."

"And?"

"And that energy seems to want Buffy dead."

"Why? Revenge? It's energy, surely it's not intelligent."

"Well, it almost seemed that way. But, no, it's not revenge. You see, we think that Dawn was sent from the future. She's still to be born, and so Buffy and Spike still have to keep her safe. If she dies before the time comes for her to travel back in time, she won't be able to become the Key, and it's possible Glory will find the energy and release it, as she planned. How that will affect the Orb energy is anybody's guess, but I can't help but think we won't care very much by then."

"So it's trying to rewrite history?"

"It looks that way."

"So, what about Riley?"

"Jenna has him incapacitated. He's terrified of the energy that's forcing him to do things. We managed to talk to him without his 'visitor' for a while, and he's offered to help us get Spike back if we can remove it."

"Has Jenna got any ideas?" I ask, a glimmer of an idea in my head.

"No. The coven seems to have come up blank too. If you felt up to it, do you think you could consider researching a solution? When you get home, of course."

He stops short, and I feel his regret. "I'm sorry, Willow. I forgot. You .. you won't be able to read, at least not without translation into Braille or something."

"There are other ways to research," I point out. "Look, I can't read a book, but it should be possible to come up with a simple spell to read for me. I'm not sure how to get around some of the details, but I'm sure Jenna will be able to help."

"Oh, really?" Giles sounds much brighter.

I can't see him, but I know he's cleaning his glasses. That normally means he's working out how to say something.

"Willow," he begins. "When Xander was here yesterday, he got the impression you could see."

"Well, I can't." I move my hand in front of my sightless eyes to prove the point.

"No, Willow, not with your eyes, with your magic."

Now, either Xander's a lot cleverer than he's seemed, or he's had help with that. Anya, of course.

"Well, I can't see, exactly .."

There's no point in lying. I explain what I've discovered of this side-effect of my blindness. He listens patiently, and to my relief, there's no increase in the fear that's part of him. The longer he's been here, the clearer it's been that the fear isn't for himself, but for others.

"Well," he continues when I finish my explanation. "That's interesting. We should find out exactly what you can do with this sight."

I sense someone else approaching, and turn my head towards the door. It doesn't change what I can perceive, but it's habit. Giles catches the gesture, and turns too, to see the doctor coming in, followed by a nurse.

"I'll leave you for a moment," Giles offers, heading towards the door.

"Thank you Mr. Giles. I shouldn't be long, and when I'm finished, you can take Miss Rosenberg home."

*-*-*

I wait outside, and get down to some thinking. Certainly there's no hint of darkness about Willow. I am concerned at the way her magic seems to be acting without her control. The healing, well, it's unprecedented. That she could do that without conscious thought is amazing, and not a little disturbing. Now there's this sight of hers. Of course, I don't know how much of that is unintentional. 

Jenna is hopeful that without any further intervention, Willow will be able to return to normal, or as near as she can. There's still the possibility that she can be used as a weapon, and we've got to try to find a way round that. 

I'm hoping Jenna can stay for a while. Willow needs her help, and she needs female companionship - not in a sexual sense, I mean, .. With Dawn gone, and Buffy wrapped up in the search for Spike, and the baby of course, she's not going to have much time for Willow. There's Anya, of course, but I can't see that working. Anya's become a strange mixture since she reverted to being a demon. On one hand, she's proud of her status, and will challenge any suggestion that she's less than human. On the other, she's sure that's exactly what we do think, and I can see it's tearing her apart.

I wonder at Xander. Remembering how vehement he's always been about the evil of demons, it's hard to reconcile them being together. I wonder how he's done it. I've tried to talk to him, but he's, well, giddy. He seems giddy at the fact that Anya's giving him another chance, but I also sense he's walking a tightrope. One false step, and Anya'll be out of his life forever.

The door to Willow's room opens, and the doctor approaches.

"Miss Rosenberg is just going to get dressed, and then she'll be ready."

"Thank you," I answer.

He's hovering, and I know he wants to say more.

"I really would like to write up Miss Rosenberg's case, but she's told me she'd rather I didn't."

"Then, I've got to say you should respect her wishes."

"I was hoping, you could persuade her to change her mind."

"That shows how little you know your patient. I really don't think her mind can be changed once she's decided something like this, and I've got to say that I support her decision. She needs to put this behind her, and get on with the rest of her life."

"I see," he replies, disappointment evident in his voice. "This case is so unique, but, naturally, I'll abide by her wishes."

He shakes my hand, and leaves, just as Willow's door opens, and a nurse beckons me in.

Willow's standing beside her bed. Her stance is a little stiff, but she looks remarkably well.

"Ok, Willow, you've got your pain medication?" she asks.

Willow smiles back, gesturing to her bag. "Check."

"And you've got an appointment for a check up in a week."

"Got it."

"We can decide then if you need anything further. Right, then, off you go."

She takes Willow's arm and leads her to a waiting wheelchair. I can see from the expression on Willow's face that she's not happy about that, but she's resigned. 

With visible relief, Willow gets out of the chair and into my waiting car. She's moving stiffly, but shows no obvious sign of pain, but I suspect she's not going to let me see that anyway.

"I expect Xander'll be round after work," I say in an attempt to start a conversation. I wonder when I started finding it difficult to spend time with Willow. Even after the first time, when she tried to end the world, I could talk to her. We spent a lot of time together while we were in England, and for the most part I found her good company. Of course, she's intelligent. Sometimes I think that's part of her trouble. She's driven to achieve. I suppose it's her background. She has a good deal of intelligence, and she's been largely neglected by her parents. Probably the only way she could get any attention from them was to excel academically.

Then she took up magic, and of course, she had to put everything she had into it. In that case, it wasn't her parents' approval she wanted, it was Buffy's. Well, perhaps not Buffy's approval, but she certainly wanted to feel she was contributing to the Slaying effort.

"It'll be good to see him," she answers. "Of course, I've seen him most days since I woke up anyway. He's a good friend. I'm glad he and Anya are working things out."

"Yes, he certainly seems happier."

When I glance at her, I notice her eyes are closed. She seems intent on something, possibly she's trying out her new senses outside of the hospital for the first time. I decide to concentrate on driving and leave her to her own explorations.

When we pull up outside the house, she immediately opens the door and gets out. I run round to help her, only to have her bat my arm away impatiently.

"I know where I am," she insists. 

I stay close to her as she walks up the path towards the front door. She's certainly chosen the right route, but I'm hovering close just in case. 

I open the door with the key from my pocket, and we go inside. She walks straight into the lounge, and finds the sofa easily. She sits down with visible relief, and pulls her feet up.

"That was tiring," she comments. "But pretty successful. I'm gonna have to take things easy for a while, but I think it's going to work"

"Willow, maybe if it tires you that much you shouldn't use this sight." I'm concerned, because she really does look tired.

"Giles, the doctor told me it'd be a while before I got back to full strength. He said I'd tire easily, and I think I'm as much tired by the short walk as I am from the other thing. I'll be fine, I promise I won't do too much."

"Good," I reply. "I've got to call Jenna, let her know you're home. Once Xander gets here this evening, I'll go and bring over Jenna's things, and she can move in properly."

She nods, but I can see that she's sleepy. I leave the room quietly, hoping that she'll rest if she needs it. 

When I get back from the call, she's asleep. I pop out to the car to retrieve some books, and I set myself up in the dining room to do some serious reading. Something I came across the other day hints that the spells used to take the Key energy and put it into Dawn came from a particular text. I don't have a copy of that, and I've sent out requests to everyone I know who might. What I do have are a number of texts which refer to it, and I'm going to comb through them. There might be some indications of the type of spell needed, even if there are not enough details to actually perform it. I refuse to consider the fact that we have no idea how to make a receptacle for this energy. We can only proceed one step at a time, and hope that we succeed.


	17. Chapter 17 Meeting the Enemy

__

This took longer than I expected, and for that I apologise. The reason is that I've started work on another project. 

The new fic is still B/S based, as that's my obsession. However, it's a result of someone asking why I don't write B/X. It's based on my belief that such a ship could only come about if things were very different from what we've seen, and that it couldn't be a healthy relationship. Because of this, I'm wary of posting here, as I don't want to contribute to the shipper wars which I really don't understand.

So, if you're interested in this new fic, you can read it at my site. I tried putting the address here, but when I did, for some reason, the chapter wouldn't load properly. The link's in my profile if you're interested, or email me for more information.

The decision not to post here might change depending on reaction. I'm going to try to write Xander sympathetically, but I'm not sure of my ability in that respect.

Now, on with the fic you clicked to read!

****

Chapter 17 - A Meeting with the Enemy

I must've slept. I mean, there's not a lot else to do here. Lay down after my chat with Jacob and had a good think. They haven't killed me, so they need me for something. Sooner or later, they'll let me out of this place, and when they do, I've got a chance to put things right. Until then, well, might as well conserve my energy.

No dreams this time. I'm almost disappointed. Scratch that, I'm bloody disappointed. Seems like Niblet's been visiting me while I sleep a lot lately, and when she can give me dreams like that last one, well, of course I'm disappointed. Only thing better than that would be for it to be real.

I think the sizzle woke me, 'cos when I open my eyes, Jacob's gone. Funny bloke. Well, maybe bloke isn't the right word, but it'll do. Hate to admit it, but he kind of reminds me of William. Of everything I despise about William. The way he believes the best of people. The way he wants to do the right thing. The way he thinks he can fix things, with nothing more than his intellect as a weapon. He doesn't stand a bloody chance, but ..

So, I'm on my own again. Wonder how long it'll be. I'm not left wondering for long, because there's another sizzle, and there's something in here with me. Gas canister, and it's filling the air with something. For a fraction of a second, I wish I was still a vampire and didn't need to breathe, but then, they wouldn't be using it then, now would they? Then ..

***

Ok, hangover. No, not a hangover, 'cos I haven't been drinking. Feels like one, though. Worse than a hangover. Maybe a hangover while the chip's zapping my poor noggin. I open my eyes carefully. I'm in a cage. There aren't any bars, but I know a cage when I see one. This one's made of some clear material, but its purpose is obvious - to keep me inside. 

My head's spinning a bit, so I sit myself up slowly. I'm not alone. Massive great Fyarl demon's dozing a few yards away. Still seems sound asleep, so I look around a bit more. Then I see her. Sitting on the other side of the partition. Dawson. The after-effects of whatever they zapped me with disappear instantly in a wave of fury. I'm on my feet and throwing myself at her. Needless to say, the partition doesn't give in any way. Dawson doesn't even flinch. 

"Hello, Hostile 17," she greets me.

The sound that answers her couldn't be called language.

"Now, now, don't be like that. You're very interesting, you know that? First, you're the only vampire who survived the chipping process. You actually adapted to it, finding another way to live. Very clever of you. But the rest? Well, I can't even start to understand how you've done it. I mean, no chip, you're warm, you breathe, and you don't need the sun-block any more. We'll be having a chat later, and you're going to tell me all about how you did that. In the meantime, we're going for a practical test. The people in the lab tell me you should be just as strong as you were before, but I wanted to see for myself. Got you a special treat. Hostile 347's been around for a while, and he's never come close to losing a fight. He's unusually aggressive, and he seems determined to kill anything that isn't him. If you manage to survive, we'll have a little chat. If you don't, then there's probably no point."

"You've taken your samples, you've got all the information you're going to get," I tell her, my voice a whisper.

"Oh, I don't think so. There are a lot of ways of getting information. There's always a post mortem exam, and I suspect you'd actually have something left to examine now, but I'm betting on your will to live. I think that's why you survived the last time. You had the strongest will to live. You'll fight, and you'll do what you have to do so that I don't kill you."

I shake my head, but as I do so, I remember the Bit's words. I've got to be strong. Buffy needs me. She needs me - Zara. Or is it just a cruel deception to keep me fighting, keep me suffering when there's nothing left for me?

I swallow, my brain trying to make sense of conflicting feelings. More or less believed the dream before, and what's changed? Nothing, except seeing that bitch outside. She didn't send the dream. Wasn't her style. Oh, I don't doubt she could do it, but maybe it'd take her a bit more time than she's had so far.

I'm pulled from my thoughts by a growl that signifies that my companion's waking. He's pulling himself to his feet faster than I managed, and he doesn't look happy to see me. Before I know it, he's charging towards me, and I know I've only got two choices. Kill or die. So, I decide to kill.

***

I pull his head, and hear the satisfying crunch that tells me I've broken his neck. I collapse on the ground, my breathing heavy, and excruciating due to the broken ribs. I suspect my face's a mess too. Certainly got hit there enough. That Fyarl was strong. Can't remember when one of them took me that long. I don't have any problem believing he's killed a lot of demons for them. Neat trick, that. Getting demons to kill other demons. Saves them getting their lily-white hands dirty.

"I knew you wouldn't disappoint," she says. I'd almost forgotten she was there. I ignore her and stay where I am, getting my breathing under control and trying not to wince. Don't want to let her know I'm hurt.

I hear a sizzle, and the Fyarl's gone. A couple of seconds later there's a bag filled with blood in its place.

"Very useful contraption," she comments. "We can effectively transport anything anywhere on this base, as long as it goes by way of the universe you will come to know as home. And soon, we'll be able to get around that little restriction. Jacob's no doubt told you his story. It won't be long until we have the master control unit, and when we do, we'll make our own units, with appropriate modifications."

I maintain my silence, but I reach for the blood and drink it quickly. I've already made up my mind about that. It might be drugged, but if I'm going to take advantage of any opportunities that turn up, I need to be strong.

"So, 17, what have you been up to since you were last where you belong?"

There's a pause, which I'm not about to grace with a comment.

"Not telling, eh? I thought you knew better than that. Remember last time? You learned then. Did exactly what you were told, in the end."

She's still waiting for a reply. I don't even look at her.

"Oh, I see. You think that because you don't have the chip any more, I can't hurt you. I think it's time for a demonstration."

I glance up and notice for the first time that she's sitting at a console. Her attention is on that, but I can't see what she's doing. There's a sound, it's filling my ears, a humming, getting louder, and then the pain hits. It seems to affect every nerve in my body simultaneously, yet I can't scream. Even those muscles are stretched taut in agony.

I don't know how long it went on, but I'm panting with the aftershocks. 

"You see, I don't need the chip any more. The chip's electronic, and it was never going to last forever. It was only a means to an end, and I don't need it now. You were conditioned to react to some external signals. Sounds, pictures, faces. You remembered some things when you saw my face the other day, didn't you?"

She's still waiting for a reaction, and this time I give her one. I throw myself towards her. I know I'm not going to get her, but I want her to be under no misconceptions about my intentions if I ever get free.

This time she flinches away. Just a fraction, but I see it. It's a small victory, but we both know that's what it is.

"Sooner or later, that pain will start to destroy your brain," she tells me. "It's a disadvantage of the system, but it can't be helped. We already knew you were resistant to pain, so we had to maximise the output. I must admit, I thought that level would render you unconscious. I'm impressed. So, why don't you tell me what you've been up to? Or, why don't I give you a few minutes to think about it."

She hits a switch on the console, and there's another noise. This one doesn't give pain. It's pleasure, low level, leaving every nerve humming expectantly. She glances at me, then gets up and leaves the room. I try to get my brain in gear. I know she can break me. So, I've got to tell her something. I've got to tell her enough for her to think she's got me, but not so much that I endanger my girls. But what? I mean, glowing girls? She's going to believe that one, now isn't she? But then, how else do I account for it? I can hardly give her a recipe for turning any old vampire into another one of me.

She's coming back, and I've made my decision. I'll tell her about my trip to Africa, but I'm going to spin a line about the soul. I'll tell her the soul I won was incompatible with being a vampire, so they gave me a different body. No mention of Dawn, of needing to keep her safe. 

***

I don't suppose it was a long session. In the end, she seemed worried at the amount of damage the pain would do to my brain, so she backed off, commenting that the cumulative effect would have a greater effect on my reticence. I decided to play hard to get. I know what I'm going to tell her, but I'm feeding it a bit at a time, and I made her wait for the first instalment. If I give her what I want to too quickly, she's going to know there's more. There's not been a lot of pleasure, just the pain whenever she wasn't happy about my answers. She gave up in the end, and sent me back, and I'm right back where I started. She enjoyed it, that much was obvious. Even through the partition, I knew she found it exhilarating. I wonder what her plans are for me when I'm no longer needed here. Somehow, I don't think death is too high on her list.

Jacob's back, too. He looks bad. There're what look like bruises and cuts over all the skin I can see, and he looks a very odd shade. He's out of it, though, and I'm not about to disturb him 'cos he looks like he needs some peace.

I'm angry. Furious that they treat demons like that without thought. I know, I've killed demons, but only when they threaten me, or someone I care about. There're enough demons around whose only thought is the pain and suffering of others, and there're more who consider the rest of us to be no more than food. I get that. That's how I used to think, too. But there're others, too. Clem, for example. Cheats at poker, but don't know anyone who knows him who'd say anything worse. They've no right to put all demons in one bundle. It's like saying all mammals are the same, and because some are dangerous, they should all be wiped out.

I'm not saying I don't deserve it. I do, I know that. If it wasn't for Buffy and Zara, I'd just let them kill me. I swear I'd not even fight back, but they don't just threaten me. It's the others, the ones who don't threaten anyone, that's what I object to. And I know Buffy understands that now. So, why can't these morons work it out?


	18. Chapter 18 Ideas

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Another chapter, and I'm already hard at work on 19, so hopefully it won't take too long.

If you're interested, the other fic that I mentioned when I posted chapter 17, has now been started. Three chapters of 'Seeking Vengeance' are up at my site – see my profile for the address. I don't understand it, but whenever I try to put the address here, it doesn't load. Sorry.

As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated.

Chapter 18 - Ideas ****

It's been over two weeks since .. since Spike. It's so hard to stay focussed on anything other than hatred for those who took him. Giles has been nagging at me, persuading me to make an appointment for a check-up, and I eventually agreed. It's not that I don't care about the baby, nothing could be further from the truth. It's just that I know she's ok, and I don't know the same about her father. But, I'm going this afternoon, on my way now. I've insisted on going alone, even though I know Xander's more than willing to come, and Giles would certainly come if I asked, if with rather more embarrassment.

I suppose I'd have thought of Willow in the past, too, but I haven't asked. I know it's not entirely fair of me, but I can't just forget what she tried to do to Dawn. Surprisingly, her health isn't a problem. She seems amazingly well, and her lack of vision is only a minor disability with her new-found talent.

We took her to see Riley last night. She's been busy with books since she got home. Jenna and she managed to rig a spell that would allow books to effectively read themselves to her, without invoking any words of power there happened to be on the pages. I know she thinks she's on to something, because she's getting so excited, but she's not ready to share it with me, not yet.

Giles got hold of some information from Budapest, purportedly from a brotherhood associated with those who placed the Key energy into Dawn, and he's been busy getting it translated, and then Willow's been doing the interpreting, with help from Jenna.

Jenna, now, there's someone who's difficult to read. She's been remarkably supportive of Willow since she came out of hospital, but you just know that she's waiting for the first sign that there's a problem. It's the way she watches her, her eyes half-closed in concentration. And, I know Willow treats the other witch with a respect I've rarely seen of late. 

Willow didn't say anything when we went to the mansion. Having said that, there wasn't a lot of sense made at all, because Riley was much less coherent than before. Jenna had to modify the original spell when it became obvious that it would have to be in effect for days or weeks rather than hours. She's now added some sort of stasis, where Riley's body doesn't feel time passing. The alternative would have been to release him several times a day to eat and visit the rest room - not really an option under the circumstances. Whether because of the change in spell, or some other factor, it seems as though the energy within Riley is gradually increasing in strength. Giles says he's seen less and less of Riley with every visit he's made. I've only gone twice, and Giles hasn't complained. I think he knows it's getting harder not to just lash out at anyone or anything who bears any responsibility for Spike being taken.

When we got back, Willow refused to share what she'd seen. She said she wanted to talk to Jenna in private before she shared her thoughts with the rest of us.

It was creepy, though, watching Willow watching Riley. To know there's no sight in her eyes, that they're useless, and yet she watched him so closely, seeing something that didn't have a lot to do with what the rest of us could see. 

I patrolled after we left the mansion. Giles came too. I think he's scared I'm going to be taking chances, and thinks I'll behave if he's there. Truth is, I'm being careful. This baby means so much to me, for so many reasons. 

It was quiet, though. Sunnydale has been quiet - almost too quiet. It's as though there's something bigger and badder than the usual keeping the other evil in check. Now, there's a worrying thought.

Of course, there's Riley's crew. He says they're not called the Initiative any more, but the rest of what he said was too garbled for us to make much of it.

It's hard to understand how I once thought he was the answer to my dreams. I mean, after Angel, I so wanted normality. I wanted a man, a human man, who could love me and accept me for what I am. I thought Riley was what I needed. But, he couldn't accept me, not really. He was so insecure in the relationship that even my mother having a potentially fatal illness wasn't as important to him as whether or not he was central to things. The funny thing was, he almost made me believe it was my fault.

I was right in one respect. I do need someone who can accept everything that I am. I'm not perfect, I know that. Angel thought I was, or at least he thought I was heading that way, once I'd grown up. But he wanted me to grow up without losing the innocence that goes with childhood. He couldn't see that simply becoming the Slayer kills that innocence. 

Riley knew I wasn't perfect, but he was trying to mould me to his image of perfection. Of course, that was never going to happen. I don't know how things are done in Iowa, but there's no way I'd ever allow my life partner to sublime all my hopes, dreams and ambitions so that they didn't interfere with his. I think that's what Riley hoped would happen. That, sooner or later, I'd give up 'all that nonsense' of being the Slayer, and go into some sort of retirement so that I could bring up an army of Finns while he continued doing the important work.

With Spike, I've got the chance of a lifetime. I know that, but to appreciate that chance, I've got to get him out of wherever he is.

Walking through the sunlit streets of Sunnydale is something of an occasion for me. I spend so much time doing this very thing in the dark, it's surprising how different everything looks. I'm noticing things for the first time - attempts by those who share this town with me, to block out the darkness that we all know surrounds us, even though few will admit it.

I arrive at the doctor's office and go inside to introduce myself to the receptionist. I'm advised that the doctor will be a few moments and shown to a seat.

The recommendation for the doctor came from Anya. The truth is, I came close to asking Anya to come with me today. I know Spike would approve too - that he'd consider her acceptable in his absence, but I'm not ready to share any of this with anyone but him, not if I can help it. 

It seems Anya did more than just plan a wedding last year. She'd gone further, researching things like doctors and services for when she became pregnant, even going so far as to investigate an infertility clinic just in case it turned out that in her newly human state she wasn't actually able to conceive. It seems this doctor is known in the demon community as being a little more tolerant than most of his patients being other than completely human. She also has a large purely human patient base, I'm assured. Her name is Dr. Chan.

I've been sitting for a few moments when I'm beckoned into the doctor's office. The first thing that hits me about her is that she's actually smaller than I am. I don't mean she's in any way odd, but she's actually shorter than I am. Of course, her shoes are rather more sensible than mine, but even barefoot, I think I could give her half an inch.

She smiles broadly at me as she beckons me in.

"You're alone?" she asks.

"Yes, my .. the father can't be here, and I don't want to share things with anyone else."

"I see, I see. You expect him to be a part of the baby's life, then?"

"Yes, I do." 

As I say the words, I think the other half of that same thought. 'If he's alive', but I daren't say the words. 

"Good, good," she replies, but I almost get the feeling she understood more from what I said than I intended to give.

She does a full raft of tests, from height and weight to blood pressure and blood tests, to things I don't quite understand.

"Well, Miss Summers," she concludes. "You and the baby seem to be in exceptional health. Although, I do think, looking at your eyes, that you could do with some more sleep, am I right?"

"Yes," I admit. Sleep hasn't been any easier the longer it's been since Spike was taken. I had to change the bed linen eventually, and with that I lost the scent of Spike which had helped a little. I promise to take things easy, and she agrees to get in touch with the blood test results when they come back.

I feel better as I head for the Magic Box. Anya insisted that I go there after my appointment. She seemed to understand my wish to do this alone, but she also wants to be part of this 'adventure' as she calls it. I think she really liked the idea of motherhood before, when she was planning to marry Xander. Of course, now she's no longer human, she doesn't think it's a possibility.

The interesting thing about the new Xander/Anya relationship is that she tells me she's a long way from letting him move in with her. She admits they got physical faster than she'd anticipated, but that was another side-effect of losing Dawn. It seems Spike and I weren't the only ones needing physical comfort that night. Of course, having re-initiated the physical side of their relationship, Anya sees no reason to go without her much talked-about orgasms, but she's adamant that everything else between them should go slowly.

Xander seems happy too, but I'm not sure how much of Anya's reasoning he understands. He seems to believe that because he's once again welcome in her bed, that the relationship is pretty much back where it was, but it isn't. Still, I haven't said anything. I've had my fill of him telling me how to run my love life, and I think he's a big enough boy to look after himself now.

Once at the shop, Anya's as welcoming as she has been recently. Her enthusiasm is infectious, almost enough to take the edge off my sorrow and concern for Spike. I know she's itching to help me get things ready for the baby, but I've explained that I want to do that with Spike. She nodded her head rather sadly when I told her, and I saw the difference between this Anya and the one from before the wedding fiasco. The old Anya would have said outright that she didn't think Spike was coming back. The new Anya didn't say the words, but her face can't lie. It's what she thinks, and she gripped my hands a little tighter in an unconscious gesture of support.

The phone rings, and I look around the shelves as Anya answers it.

"Yes, she's here, Rupert. Do you want to talk to her?"

I look over realising she's gesturing for me to take the phone from her.

"Hey, Giles, what's up?"

"Can you come over this evening?" he asks. "Willow and Jenna think they've come up with a way to release Riley from the Orb energy."

"Yeah, sure, I'll be there. When?"

"I'd suggest around seven, if that's ok."

"Sure," I reply before handing the phone back to Anya. 

I know it's a big step, but I can't help but feel a little more hope than I did before. I don't know if we can even trust Riley, but at the moment he's all we've got. 


	19. Chapter 19 Risks

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Chapter 19 - Risks

It seems funny walking up to my own front door. It's not so long ago it was home, but it doesn't feel like it any more. I'm so overcome with the feeling that I almost knock, but then change my mind. Instead, I open the door and walk in. For an instant, I find I'm listening for Dawn yelling her welcome from upstairs. That's one of the reasons I decided to go stay at Spike's. There aren't any memories of Dawn there. This house is full of them.

I shake off the ghosts, not only of Dawn, but of Mom, too, and head into the lounge where I can hear voices.

Willow's sitting on one side, with Jenna sitting opposite. Giles occupies a chair close to Willow, and I sit next to Jenna on the sofa. A few moments later, Xander arrives, with Anya, and they take seats, although I notice that Anya makes sure to sit where Xander can't get too close. He looks lost for a second before sitting on the third seat of the sofa.

"So, what's the news from the wiccans?" Xander asks.

"Willow thinks she has an idea. Some of it looks good, but the rest, well, I have some concerns. It'd probably be best if I let Willow explain," Jenna tells us.

Willow's looking on top form. The redness in her exposed skin has faded dramatically since she's been home, and it's obvious that she'll soon look as she did. 

"Well, the information Giles got looks good. I think we'll be able to use a spell very close to what the monks used to put the Key energy into Dawn to take it from Riley. Jenna's quite ok with that too, aren't you?"

All eyes flick to Jenna and she nods.

"So, the difficult part is what we do with the energy. I know Jenna and the coven had been considering various mystical receptacles, but they haven't found anything."

There's another nod from Jenna, this time accompanied by pursed lips.

"Well, you know what happened to me. I mean, I don't remember a lot of it, but I know Jenna explained it to me. Something happened to me, before the fire. I've got a reservoir for mystical energy inside me, that's bigger than she's seen before. She tried to fill it up with something to make sure I can't take on dark magic again, but there's still a lot of room left."

I can see where this is going, and I don't like it. Before I can even move to complain, Willow holds up a hand. "Buffy, just wait, please. There's more, and all I'm asking is that you listen."

"Ok, so I had a good look at Riley last night. Funny thing is, I wouldn't have known it **was** Riley if you hadn't told me, because all I could see was the energy. It's purply and it's evil. But, and this is the important thing, it's not too big, at least not right now. I think I can take on enough earth energy, earth magic, to neutralise it, and then take the orb energy. When they get together, they'll cancel out, and it'll be gone. Poof, just like that."

She stops, knowing that our attention has transferred to Jenna.

"What do you think?" Giles' voice is quiet, but it's obvious he's concerned.

"Well, I'm reasonably confident about the spell," she begins. "And, I'm sure that Willow could contain the Orb energy. The problem is that I don't 'see' the energy the way Willow can. I've got no way to estimate the size of the problem, and therefore no way to work out how much earth energy would be needed to neutralise it. And, particularly, if there's an element of intelligence inherent in the energy, we don't know how it will react. As I understand it, when the Orb was breached, all of it didn't go towards the Key. Some of it infected this Riley. Now, did it have some knowledge of how strong the Key was, and knew exactly how much was available for elsewhere? Because if so, we're going to have to swamp it with so much earth energy that there's no possibility of the same thing happening again. The last thing we need is for someone present at the time to be similarly infected."

"But, what about Willow?" Xander voices his concern.

"I think I'll be ok," she reassures.

"But we don't know that," Jenna adds.

"And apart from the danger to Willow, there's the possibility that we would simply release Riley from the energy to have it entrap Willow. While Riley can be restrained, I wouldn't like to have to restrain her. I'm not even sure I could if it became necessary."

"It'd certainly be a lot more difficult," Willow agrees. "But it's not going to happen. I can do this, I know I can."

"I don't doubt you can do it, Willow," Giles' voice is soft, but steely. "But the level of control needed is such that, there is just too much chance of something going wrong."

I haven't spoken during the exchange. I feel as if my only chance of getting Spike back is slipping away. 

"So, what do we do?" I ask. "Because Spike's still in trouble. I need to get him back, and I'm not going to stop until I've done that. Is there some way we can modify this plan to make it an acceptable risk?"

"As far as I'm concerned, the risk is already acceptable," Willow counters.

"No, Willow." Xander is annoyed, and it's obvious from his stance. "No matter how much Spike has changed, there's no way I'm going to stand for us risking you to save him."

"That's not your decision," Willow reminds him.

"Maybe not, but surely no one here could agree to it." He looks at me accusingly as he speaks. He's waiting for me to back down.

"Xander, I know you don't like Spike. You never have. But, if we don't get him back, .."

The mixture of rage and fear that's engulfing me has made it impossible for me to finish that thought.

"We don't need Spike. You don't need Spike. We'll help you, the rest of us. And when we find another way to free Riley from the energy, he'll help too. He still cares about you, you know that."

"Xander," Anya intercedes. "Be quiet. Of course Buffy needs Spike, and so does the baby. And I wouldn't be at all surprised if you didn't find him useful to have around in the end. It's back to our old problem. You can't cope with any man having a role in Buffy's life that's more important than yours. That's been your problem all along. Now, I agree that we should find ways to minimise the danger to Willow, but we've got to go with this plan. And if you're too short-sighted to see that, then you'd better go home tonight, because I don't want you with me."

Xander's mouth is open in disbelief. He's looking around dumbfounded, waiting for someone to contradict her, but it's not happening.

"I'm not sure I would have put it that way," Giles interrupts, "But, I have to agree to some extent. The information we have points clearly to Spike being important. I don't want to sacrifice or take any unreasonable risks with Willow, but we've got to do something. Given this basis, we may be able to come up with some sort of safeguard. I suggest we research some more, and see what we can come up with."

"I've been out of the loop a bit," admits Anya. "But, this energy that's needed to counter the Orb energy. Can you describe it a bit better? Because, there are sources of energy I could get access to, you know, if it was important?"

"I'm not staying here to listen to you finding a way to destroy my oldest friend," Xander warns, standing up to leave.

"Xander," Willow stands and approaches him. "I'm not looking to be a martyr here. I'm not going to do anything I can't handle. Don't you believe that?"

"No, Willow, I don't. Not any more. There's been so much recently, and I'm not sure you can handle this sort of power any more. I'm not going to help you to do this, and I'm not sure I can be around to pick up the pieces any more, either."

He walks out of the door, leaving Anya looking irritated, and Willow unbelievably sad.

Anya approaches Willow, and the two talk softly for a few moments. When they finish, Anya nods her understanding, the she comes to sit beside me. She puts an arm around my shoulders, but it's too much for me. She's the only one who's offered that sort of support since Spike was taken, and when I think about how I used to treat her, I'm ashamed. For so long, she was Xander's girlfriend, and as such, she was tolerated. Her strange ways were irritating, and her habit of discussing her sexual experiences embarrassing. I never spotted what was under that - the genuine warmth and caring that underlies all the idiosyncrasies. 

I hide my face in her shoulder, trying to breathe deeply and regain control. I'm the Slayer. I'm not supposed to crumble under pressure. I've got to stay strong for the rest of them, but I feel anything but strong.

I slowly become aware of Giles. He's fidgeting, embarrassed by the emotional display. Willow doesn't seem to have moved. I lift my head to see her watching me with concern on her face.

Anya sits back and takes a look around the room. "I'm going to go and see what I can find," she announces. "If I find some sort of neutralising energy that's likely to work better than simple earth energy, I'll find a way to bring it back."

With that, she stands up, and without any dramatic gesture, she disappears.

"I'd do it now, you know," Willow reminds me.

I know she means it as a consolation to me. I don't know how much she's worked out about what happened before the fire, but if she can feel what I'm feeling, she knows that I don't trust her as I once did. I get up and walk towards her, leaning in to give her a hug.

"I know, Willow. And I don't want to waste any time getting Spike back, but if there's some way to increase the chance of success, we've got to take it, so we'll wait for a while, ok?"

She nods, and gives me a shy smile that's reminiscent of the Willow I first knew - the one who couldn't believe that someone who Cordelia Chase spoke to would also speak to her. She's come so far since then, but in so many ways, she's exactly the same. She's still basically insecure inside, all the confidence and arrogance that she's showed over the past couple of years are just a cover for the insecurities she's always felt.

I want to put everything that's happened between us aside, and go back to the way things were. It'll never happen, though, because we're both different. She's lost Tara, and I've got Spike and a baby on the way. Things might never go back, but maybe we've got the chance to build a new sort of friendship. I don't know, but I do know I've got to try.


	20. Chapter 20 Open Mouth, Insert Foot

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Chapter 20 - Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Anya's been gone for a week. At least, I haven't been able to contact her in that long. It hurt they way she made it clear that she thought I was wrong. 

I know, I haven't always been too friendly to demons. It might just have something to do with the number of them that seem to have taken a personal dislike to my continued life. But, I was dealing with her new status. I really was. And, I was trying to cope with Buffy being with Spike. Of course, when it comes to that relationship, only half the problem has to do with Spike being a demon. The other half is just because he's Spike.

I hated the way he waltzed into our lives, after all the attempts to kill us, and still thought we'd want him around. I know, he's been useful, but from my point of view, that usefulness hasn't made up for the annoyance factor.

So, when it seemed to me that they were suggesting we sacrifice Willow for Spike, naturally I'm going to object. It's not that I object to rescuing Spike as such, it's just that I'd put him at the bottom of the list. I mean, I wouldn't want to risk Willow, Buffy, Anya or even Giles.

I thought for the first few days that Anya was just avoiding me. Then I found out that the others hadn't seen her, and that Giles was back in the Magic Box full-time because Anya was off looking for an alternative to Willow's plan.

I've been hanging around at the shop all week after work. Ok, nothing new there, I know. Willow's been there a lot too, saying she wants to get out of the house. That means Jenna's there too, and Buffy has been coming in after work. They've all been researching alternatives to Willow's plan, but they haven't come up with anything.

Buffy seemed a little strange with me the first couple of times we met after the argument. I've done my best to show her that I want to help rescue Spike, just not to risk one of my friends, and she seems to have accepted that, in a tired, rather understated way.

That's pretty much the way she's taking everything these days. She looks more tired than I've ever seen before, and I've seen her post-apocalypse tired. Sometimes you see her sitting there, staring into the distance, and you just know she's thinking about Spike, wondering what they're doing to him. I hate to see her suffering. It hurts me too to know she's scared stiff of having to face life without him.

She doesn't seem to be suffering from any of the oft-mooted side-effects of pregnancy. I mean, she isn't being sick (as far as I know) and she hasn't been asking anyone to get her strange food combinations. She's eating better than usual, though, and it's good to see.

She's distant, though. It seems like the only one of her friends she's been entirely comfortable with lately has been Anya, and with her gone ..

I want to be there for her, to hold her or whatever she needs, but she doesn't seem to want me. So, situation normal. Don't get me wrong. I love Anya. The things I feel for Buffy include love, but it's love of a different sort. I'd like to think of myself as her big brother, but apart from the fact of being physically bigger, and male, it's not really an apt description. 'Big brother' sort of implies looking after her, keeping her safe, and the truth is, she's done more of that for me over the years than the other way around.

Willow's kinda spooky too. She's my oldest friend, and I love her to bits, but looking at her, with eyes that don't follow her attention, it's, well, spooky. If she couldn't see, I could deal. Not that I want her to be blind, I don't, I'd just kinda like her to be my old Will again. This other sight, it's like her power's on all the time. You don't ever get the chance to forget about her being into magic.

She's been trying to persuade me to feel comfortable about her plan. She can be pretty damn persuasive too, when she puts on that resolve face, too. And, maybe if Giles seemed altogether happy about the plan, she might have persuaded me. But, it's quite obvious that Giles isn't happy. I don't think his reasons are exactly the same as mine, either. He's not so worried about Willow not making it, as of Willow trying to destroy the world again. And, I get that. I've seen it first hand, and .. not a pretty sight. And can I add painful? Those bolts of lightning she threw at me - don't want that again.

Buffy just got up from the books to announce she's going to patrol. Giles gets up too, saying he's going with. He's been doing that every night, I think. On the spur of the moment, I stand too.

"Let me go tonight, G-man," I ask.

"Shouldn't you be asking me?" Buffy demands. "I'm the Slayer. I'm perfectly capable of patrolling alone."

"Of course you are," Giles reassures. "It's just that I thought you'd like some company."

"Not really," she answers.

"Still," he continues. "I think you should avoid patrolling alone, at least while you're pregnant. There's no saying what side-effects it might have on you. And we've no physiological information to go on."

She shrugs and turns to me.

"Ok, you coming?"

I know, she's only turned to me to make a point to Giles. She wants me to go along because she knows there's absolutely nothing I can do if she gets into serious trouble, and I know it. Giles isn't happy, but he concedes.

I grab some stakes and follow her out.

It's a fairly standard patrol. There're a few fledglings, and she takes them out effortlessly. She's said things are quiet in Sunnydale just now, and what I see confirms that. I remember the time she was gone, patrolling with the bot or with Spike. Things were a lot harder then.

As we turn into the last cemetery on her route, she spots something ahead. There're a couple of figures crouched over something. She motions to me to stay put, and approaches quietly. 

I do as she asked, but I'm waiting, ready to pounce as soon as she attacks. She does, and it's soon obvious these two aren't fledglings. Even so, she's more than holding her own. In fact, the pace of the fight is so furious that I haven't a hope of joining in. All of the vamps' attention is on the Slayer, and they're doing pretty well, but it's obvious that she doesn't need my help.

A few minutes later, in her patent 'double vamp stake' move, they're dust, and Buffy's breathing heavily as she relaxes. I take the opportunity to move closer to whatever it was the vamps were looking at.

Once I'm close enough to get a good look, I'm still none the wiser. Definitely not human, although not nearly as ugly as most demons. It seems to be unconscious, and from the marks around its head, that's where the damage was done. I don't know if those vampires were trying to feed from it or not.

As I'm looking at the figure on the ground, Buffy comes up behind me.

"What is it?" I ask.

She shrugs. "We could ask Giles, I suppose."

"So, we heading back?" I ask.

"Yeah." 

Then she bends down to pick up the creature, cradling the small body as if it were a child.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"I'm taking it back to the shop. I don't know what it is, but, as a general rule, if it's prey to vamps, it's probably vulnerable. And, it's been injured. If we just leave it here, there'll probably be some more vamps along in a few to finish the job."

"Ok," I agree, although I can't keep the doubt out of my voice.

She flashes me an exasperated look.

"Do you want me to .." I ask, gesturing carrying.

"No, it's ok, Xander. I'm fine."

Once back at the shop, and with the demon lying on one of the mats in the training room, we can take a proper look at it. It's about three foot tall, maybe a little more. It's a reddish orange in colour. It's got a fairly standard head, two eyes, nose, mouth, two arms and two legs. No clothes I can see, but nothing embarrassing to be seen either.

Buffy immediately got out her first aid kit and started to get it cleaned up. She motioned me out of her way when I tried to help. I guess I failed the demon-friendly test again. I know, I don't adapt easily. It's just, we spent years learning the lesson 'demons are bad'. It's hard to have to reconsider it, not just for specifics like Anya, or Buffy, or even Spike, but now it seems we've got to reconsider it for anything that's at danger from vamps.

Of course, Giles hit the books as soon as he had a glimpse of it. He didn't recognise it at all. Willow, well, she's only got our description for its physical appearance, and she doesn't seem to be getting a lot else. Might be because of the unconsciousness, of course.

When she's finished, Buffy comes back into the shop. By this time, I've given Giles a full account of the patrol, but he's no closer to recognising the demon.

"It was attacked by vampires, you say?" he asks.

"Yes, Giles, at least that's what it looked like."

"Most unusual. Vampires, of course, they're naturally violent, but, for the most part, it's all to do with the hunt. Most don't worry too much about anything they can't eat, unless they perceive it as a threat of some kind. Or, unless it's actually annoyed them in some way. And, I can't see a creature of that size annoying a pair of vampires unless it had some pretty impressive defensive system. Which by the look of it, it doesn't have."

There's a sound, something between a whimper and a growl, and we all rush back into the training room. Whatever it is has opened its eyes. It's looking around, obviously scared. Buffy kneels at its side, and places a comforting hand on its shoulder.

"It's ok, you're safe. The vampires've gone."

Buffy repeats this a few times but there's no sign of a change in its fear level. It scrambles to a sitting position with its back against a wall, eyes flicking from one to another of us.

Buffy immediately takes charge, and shoos the rest of us back into the shop. Of course, that makes no difference to Willow, but it's irritating for the rest of us. Even more so when Giles hands me a huge book with the obvious intention of getting me to read it.

I can't hear anything coming from the other room. So, wearily, I start to leaf through the book. It's at least more interesting than most, with pictures I can look at without having to go into the text much. Despite myself, I half smile. At least Giles knows me.


	21. Chapter 21 A New Avenue?

****

Chapter 21 - A New Avenue?

Using my newly-acquired skills, I can feel the waves of fear emanating from the creature on the mat. Struggling to maintain a civil tone, I manage to persuade the others to leave us alone, judging that it'll feel much less vulnerable without being the main attraction at a circus.

When they've gone, I carry on speaking quietly to it, trying to get it to relax, and at last I sense it's doing just that. Moving slowly, I sit opposite it on the floor, allowing it to get used to my new position before speaking again.

"I'm Buffy. We found you being attacked by some vampires and brought you here. I tried to clean up your injuries, but .."

"I thank you," it replies. "I am not too badly hurt. I think they planned to subdue me and take me somewhere else. From what I can gather, they thought I was responsible for irritating their master, and they expected a reward for delivering me to him."

Ok, that makes some sense. I suppose. I take a deep breath, not really knowing how to proceed.

"Look, I'm not going to hurt you, you know that, right?"

"I believe you," it replies, softly. 

"It might help me to understand who was trying to capture you if I knew more about you. Then, maybe I could make sure it won't happen again."

There's a long silence then, and it's taking all the patience I've got not to just get up and show it the door. I don't have time for this, not now when I should be looking for Spike.

"It's a long story, and I'm not sure about why they wanted me. I've got an idea, but .."

"Ok, I can deal with that. Just tell me what you know, or suspect about what happened."

"My name is Rebecca, and I'm not from your world."

She pauses, obviously gauging my reaction before continuing. She seems relieved that I didn't laugh her first statement out of court.

"Ok. My people have long been able to move between worlds, but we normally leave those inhabited by intelligent life alone. Long ago, before your kind came to be, we visited this world, and if the stories are true, one of our kind tried to destroy the it."

She pauses, looking carefully at me, and I nod to tell her that I've understood so far. I notice that I'm now calling her 'she' - just because of the name.

"I don't know too much about the stories, at least, not the detail. The overview is common knowledge on my world. Someone .. important to me is a scholar of history, and he has studied the old legends with great care. He believed that something momentous was going to happen here, and I think he came to witness it. He did so .. illegally. He stole a device which allowed him to travel here. The theft has been discovered, but they don't, as yet, know that he stole it. I hoped that by letting him know about the discovery, I could help him evade capture on his return."

"But, if he came illegally, didn't you?"

"Well, yes, I did. But, .. you're right. But, I didn't have to steal anything. I was able to borrow a device from my father. It's just, Jacob's not very .. practical. He didn't tell me what he was planning, he just disappeared. I worked out what had happened, and though he could use some help."

"Jacob's the one you're following."

She nods, and I can feel her fear for him. In many ways, it mirrors my own feelings for Spike.

"Are there any other creatures like you on this world?" I ask.

"Apart from Jacob and me, there shouldn't be."

"So, it could be Jacob who irritated that master vamp," I suggest.

"I suppose so," she agrees. "But, I can't see how. He's not going to try to do anything to irritate anyone. It's just not his way."

"So, how did they catch you?"

"I'd just arrived. Literally landed at their feet. Unlucky, I suppose. The co-ordinates I chose were exactly the ones used by Jacob."

Oh boy. So, Jacob landed in the middle of a cemetery, probably in the dark. Anything could've happened to him.

"So, do you think you could cope with meeting the others now?" I ask.

She swallows, in a very human gesture, and agrees. I help her to her feet, and she follows me into the shop.

She repeats her story, only this time, with Giles in on the questioning, it becomes obvious that she's more involved with us than I'd thought. She's one of the people whose race was responsible for the Key, and the Orb of Fire. Unfortunately, she doesn't have details, only a sketchy understanding of the basics.

"So, how were you planning on finding Jacob now you're here?" Giles asks. He's exasperated that she had so much information available to her, yet she can't help.

"I hoped it wouldn't be difficult. Of course, if he's used the device to hide, it will take a while."

"Wait a minute," I butt in. "How could he use your world travelling device to hide?"

"Well," she explains. "You can travel from world to world with it, but you can also create worlds within worlds. He could literally have made another world to hide in. It was what I planned to do, except I didn't get the chance."

"Is there any way to find out if he's hiding like that?" Giles asks.

"There should be. My device should be able to find other worlds within this one. And, assuming that you don't have that ability yet yourselves, any that do exist, should point to Jacob."

"And you say that some vampires thought you were responsible for something that upset their master?" Giles wants clarification.

"That's what they said, before they knocked me out," she agrees.

"Who could have upset some vampires? Apart from the Slayer, of course?"

He's looking at us, waiting for us to make the same leap he's already completed.

"The Initiative," I answer.

Suddenly our new friend doesn't seem so friendly. If Jacob's involved with the Initiative .. but that doesn't make sense. Jacob's not human. There's no way the Initiative would have anything to do with him .. unless ..

"Buffy, do you think the Initiative would be willing to work with Jacob?" Giles' question is close to my own thoughts.

"Only if he had something they could use," I answer.

"Like a device for travelling between worlds, or creating new ones," he completes the thought. 

There's silence, and I can see that Rebecca has lost the thread of the conversation.

"Suddenly a trail that ended in the middle of nowhere makes sense."

Giles nods at me. 

"Rebecca, I think that Jacob's device has been used to take someone I care about," I tell her.

I explain what we know about Spike's disappearance. She agrees that it's a possibility.

"So, can you track Jacob?"

The fear returns, and it hits me like a wave.

"But, if he's involved with the disappearance of your friend, you'll hurt him." Her manner has changed completely. Previously she'd been open and willing to help.

"Rebecca," I reply, "if Jacob has been helping the Initiative, it could only be because he doesn't understand what they're doing. They are a group of humans, employed by our Government, whose job it is to wipe out all non-human intelligent life on the planet. If they've taken help from Jacob, it can only be to further their own ends. And, I'm sure, once he's provided them with whatever help he can, they'll have no qualms about killing him."

That silences her. The panic that we might hurt Jacob has gone, but the more general fear for him starts to increase.

"If .. if I agree to track Jacob, will you promise that you won't hurt him?"

"I promise I won't do anything I don't have to. I don't want to hurt him, because I can't see how he can be anything other than a pawn to the Initiative."

For the first time, I become aware of a small device strapped to her wrist. I'd dismissed it as a piece of very plain jewellery, but now it looks different. She concentrates on it, and presses some buttons, then shakes her head.

"The method of tracking is complicated. I'm tired, and feeling rather ill after being attacked. Maybe I could try after some sleep?"

In truth, she seems very tired. I hadn't noticed it before, but she's wilting before my eyes. Despite my impatience, I agree. She's not the only one running on empty.

"You can stay with me tonight," I offer.

She seems grateful, but Giles looks worried.

"Is that wise?" he asks.

"As wise as anything else," I offer.

Xander seems about to object too, but one look at me, and he offers to drive us home instead. I agree gratefully. 

When we get to Spike's, I quickly prepare a bed for my guest, before falling onto my bed. Spike's bed. For the first time in ages, I fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.


	22. Chapter 22 World Hopping

****

Chapter 22 - World Hopping

I come awake with a start. Something's moving, and it takes me a few seconds to realise what it is. I get up and pull on a wrap. In the kitchen, I find Rebecca, fiddling with the device on her arm again. She looks intent on what she's doing, so I don't speak, just put on some coffee, and pull out some cereal.

When she looks up, I ask her what she's found.

"There's an artificial world here. It's a big one, and it's busy."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it's big. I mean, it could be any size, but this one is many times the size of this dwelling. And, there are a lot of people there."

"Can you tell who? I mean, can you recognise Jacob? Or .. or Spike?"

"I believe I should be able to recognise Jacob, but I haven't found him. Of course, there may be another world inside the one I found, and that's another level of difficulty to locate. I'm going to try .."

"Can I get you something?" I ask, pointing to the cereal.

"I believe I should be able to eat anything that is vegetable in origin." She peers at the package as she speaks. Well, the cereal probably passes that test, but she'd have to eat it dry. I go to the fridge, and pull out some fresh fruit. She lifts an apple first, sniffs it, then does the same in turn to an orange and a pear, and then a bunch of grapes. She pulls off one of the grapes, and nibbles at it carefully. She must like what she finds, because soon she's eating grapes whole.

When she's finished eating, she turns her attention back to her wrist, and I head off to shower. I'm on edge, the feeling that at last we're going to be able to find Spike giving me hope. When I've finished, Rebecca's still working, and I'm wondering what to do when the phone rings.

"Buffy?" Giles' voice is welcome.

"Hey, Giles."

"How are you? How's Rebecca?"

"She's fine. She's still working. She says she's found one world, but that there may be another inside that. She thinks she'll be able to recognise Jacob, so she's checking. I got the impression that might take a while, so I'm trying not to hover. But it's hard."

"I know, Buffy. Look, I don't want to worry you, but something's happened. I couldn't sleep, so I went to check on Riley. He's gone. Somehow, something broke Jenna's spell. I'm going to take her to the mansion in a moment, to see if she can tell us anything about what happened. It's crucial we know whether Riley broke the spell from the inside, or whether he had help."

I can't speak for a moment. I'm so keyed up at the prospect of being able to find Spike, that I just don't want to have to be looking over my shoulder again.

"Buffy, are you alright?" Giles prompts.

"Y ..yeah, Giles. I'm fine."

"Listen, Buffy, if Rebecca finds something, don't go rushing off. I'll have a mobile with me, so call me as soon as you know something."

I don't want to hear about anything that might delay Spike's rescue, but I know he's right. I really don't have any more than my instinct to tell me I can trust Rebecca, and even with Slayer strength, I'm no match for a gun. If Spike is being held by the Initiative, I'm going to need a plan.

"Ok, Giles." I agree.

I hang up and go back to watching Rebecca.

When Giles calls again a couple of hours later, I'm climbing the walls. Rebecca's still working, and saying nothing about what's happening. 

"What did you find?" I ask.

"Nothing, I'm afraid. There's nothing to tell what happened. I'm going to drop Jenna and Willow at the shop, then I'll come and over. They're going to go back to the books. Given what they're looking for, I'm not sure how much I can help, and it sounds like you could do with some company."

"Thanks, Giles," I answer. The truth is that I'm desperate for something - anything to do. 

"One more thing," he adds. "Anya's back. I haven't had a chance to find out what she's found, but it doesn't seem too important if we haven't got Riley."

"Yeah," I agree and he hangs up.

It seems like I've been waiting forever. When I hear a knock on the door, I rush to answer it.

As soon as I see his face, I know that there's something wrong. I don't have to wait long to find out what it is, because Riley's behind him, and it's obvious that he's holding something to Giles' back.

"Well hello there," he drawls at me. It's Riley, but it isn't. The malice in his eyes is something I've not seen before. But then, maybe it's because he thought I was human the last time I saw him. 

Giles apologises, and Riley continues into the apartment keeping his hostage between us. He's wary of me, so that's good, but I can't see how I can do anything while he's holding a gun to Giles' back.

I move away, backwards, keeping my eyes on Giles, and on Riley's face over Giles' shoulder. Suddenly, I bump into something unexpected, and I glance round to find Rebecca there. It also takes Riley by surprise, and he gives Giles a dig in the back while he shouts "What the hell's that?"

Rebecca ducks behind me, shielding herself from Riley. If she can feel a fraction of the hostility emanating from him, it's not surprising. She grabs my arm, and I'm about to pull away, exasperated that she wants my protection, when she pulls my hand to her wrist. It only takes me a second to realise she must mean she's found something. I glance behind, and she nods, but gestures towards Giles. I don't have any idea of how her device works, but I can't imagine how it would work for anyone but her unless there's contact. I take the chance that that's what she means, and reach out my hand to Giles. Before Riley can react, the world fades, then reappears, dark and cramped.

"What on earth happened?" whispers a very confused Watcher.

"I'm not sure," I admit. "I think Rebecca was trying to tell me that she'd found something, so I grabbed you in case she could move all of us. I'd guess it worked."

"It did, but I suggest you keep very quiet, Rebecca tells us. "I found there is another world within the first one I found, and I found evidence that Jacob's there. I'm not sure about your friend, though. We're in the first world, and we're pretty well surrounded here. I managed to locate somewhere that seemed to be quiet, and aimed for it. If you'll just wait a moment, I should be able to arrange for us to jump again."

She goes back to examining her wrist band again, and I glance at Giles. He's looking a little confused, but I guess I must have a similar expression, so it's hardly surprising. We're in what looks like a storage room, with shelves stacked with medical supplies. I don't have a lot of time to look around before Rebecca's pulling on my arm again, and I grab Giles for the next move. 

There's that same sense of dislocation, and we're inside a sphere. It's small, so an instant later, I spot him, Spike, lying, apparently asleep. Rebecca's sound of recognition is aimed at the other figure here - but I haven't got time to look that way. I rush to Spike, pulling his head into my lap, and shaking him to try to waken him. He seems to be unharmed, no bruising or blood, but he doesn't waken.

It's then I hear his companion speak. I turn around, and see what looks to be Rebecca's twin, although I assume from her reaction that this is Jacob. He's looking as I expected to find Spike, bruised and cut, but he's conscious, and Spike isn't. I missed what he said the first time, a combination, I assume, of the fact that my attention was on Spike and the state of his mouth, swollen and damaged enough to make speech difficult.

"He's been like that since the last time she took him. He said there was a sound, and that it could cause him pain. Said she warned him it could damage his brain if it went too far."

Rebecca's hushing him, telling him there'll be time for explanations when we get to safety. I know she's right, but it doesn't stop me from wanting him to give me the whole story right away. Giles sees how I'm feeling, and puts a hand on my shoulder.

"Can you take us back to the store room?" he asks.

"Yes, that's easy. The hard part will be where we go after that. I'm guessing back where we came from wouldn't be a good idea?"

"No," Giles agrees. "Let me think, Riley waited until I was away from the shop before he took me. That suggests that he's wary of someone there - I assume Jenna. So, that'd be the best place. Could you take us there? Where we were last night?"

Rebecca gives that some thought. "No, I don't think I could do that accurately enough. How about the place where you found me last night? I could get there easily, the co-ordinate are already programmed in."

It's not ideal, and I know it, but it's the best we've got. Giles nods our assent, and helps me to drag Spike closer to Jacob. When we're all in contact, we shift, and a few seconds later, we shift again.

Fortunately, it's daylight, so we're unlikely to meet any vamps, but we've still got the problem of an unconscious Spike, and a badly injured Jacob to contend with. With Giles' help, I manage to get Spike onto my shoulder, and Giles then goes to help Rebecca with Jacob. As we start to walk, he pulls out his phone, and calls the Magic Box.

He arranges for Anya to meet us just outside the cemetery, cutting off her complaints that it'll mean closing the store. He doesn't explain what's going on, just tells her to be wary of Riley, and ends the call.

To my relief, I can see Anya's car as we near the street. We bundle everyone into it, and Anya drives back. Once inside the store, there're questions all round, but I'm not listening. I'm sitting on the floor, cradling Spike in my arms. He's alive, I know that, I can hear his heart beating, feel his breath on my arm. There's nothing else.

Slowly, I start to become aware of the voices around me. Jacob's explaining what happened to them. He's detailing the fact that the humans were trying to 'persuade' him to hand control of his device to them. And then he's explaining as well as he can what happened to Spike. It was Dawson. She's been hurting Spike, and by the sound of it, it was for no better reason than the fact that she enjoyed it.

"He made up his mind what he was going to tell her. But he did it a bit at a time, trying to make her think she'd got it out of him unwillingly. He said when he'd finished talking, she seemed to believe that was all. But it didn't stop her taking him again. And each time he took longer to come round after her treatment. He said it was something they did to him when they put the chip in his head. Didn't understand it, but he said they'd conditioned him to feel pain or pleasure when he heard certain sounds. I think .. I think she's destroyed his brain. It's been so long this time, I don't think he's coming back."

I listen to him in shocked silence. That last bit causes me to shake my head. "He's coming back. He's got to. We need him. Zara and I, we need him."

I shift his position, taking one of his hands in mine. I hold it to my stomach, where our child is growing, hoping that she can get through to him where I can't. Because he's got to wake up. He's just got to.


	23. Chapter 23 Plans for the Watcher

****

Chapter 23 - Plans for the Watcher

I had her. I had her, in my sights, and she .. just .. disappeared. They all just disappeared. I'm standing here, with my gun in my hand, and there's no one to use it on.

I can't imagine how she did it. There was something, a demon, behind her. It's a sign of how far she's fallen, how far she's willing to go in her love for demons. 

I never understood it. I never understood how she could be the Slayer, have a mission to protect humans from demons, and yet be with them. It's all Angel's fault, I suppose. He took an innocent child, and warped her. That's the only reason I can think of. The only reason that she could allow Spike to touch her. The only reason she could trust that .. whatever .. that helped her to disappear. How can she not see that it's wrong? How can't she see she's betraying her own kind, all of us, by behaving like that?

I'm not in control now. I haven't been for a while, not really. The energy, it's in charge, but it's as confused as I am. It's using my knowledge, my memories, to plan how to achieve its objective. I've got no explanation for what happened, so it has none. 

I know that underneath, I'm disappointed that I'm free. I believed that they were trying to find a way to get this infection out of me, even if it was only because I might be able to help find Spike. I know that, once I'm free, I can make Buffy see what's happened to her. I think I did before - when I came back with Sam. I made up the 'doctor' thing, or at least Spike's involvement in it, but there's bound to be something real that he's up to. Once I'm back, once I know Spike's weaknesses, he'll get what's coming.

This thing that's controlling me, it's found a way to keep my emotions in check, with one exception it would seem, without stopping me from thinking. So, I know I'm scared shitless, and I know that I'm angry, but I don't feel it. Curiously, I notice that I still hate Spike. The other emotions are tamped down so that I can think clearly. It feels like it's worked out a lot about me while I was trapped in the mansion. 

I was released by another subT. Tall, reddish, dressed in the loudest clothes I've seen since, well since Xander when I was with Buffy. It didn't seem to do anything, just walked into the mansion, and the spell dissipated. It just fell away, and the energy was back in control. It didn't say anything, just walked away. It's obviously part of whatever's got me, but how it fits in, I have no idea.

I'm coming to the conclusion that they're not coming back here. So, it's back to the beginning. The most obvious place to find them is back at the Magic Box. The problem with that is the witches. They're probably still there, but maybe I can watch until one of the others leaves. Then, maybe, I'll have another chance. Much as I'd like to keep this information from the energy, I can't. It's another of those things that adds to the anger that I know is underneath, even if I can't feel it.

So, it's back to watching. 

*-*-*

We've treated Jacob's injuries. They're really quite extensive, and I'm impressed with the way he's stood up to our treatment. Rebecca has explained that their species is able to block out pain up to a point. Despite what she's said, it's obvious that she felt that Jacob had gone well beyond that capability. He's suffered a lot of pain in order to avoid giving the Initiative full control of his device. 

He's told us that they're no longer calling themselves the Initiative. I suppose that's not surprising given the rather ignominious end of their operation in Sunnydale. Now they're called the Defenders of Humanity.

Still, at least they're still limited to our world. The prospect of letting them loose on other worlds .. it causes me to shudder.

When Jacob's comfortable, we share our stories in more detail. It's obvious that Spike told him quite a lot of our background while they were confined together. The suggestion of a mythical group intent on carrying on the work of Blar is chilling. That there could be a group intent on destroying all life on the earth, probably by destroying the child we came to know as Dawn, makes a kind of sense that I really don't want to consider. We never did get to the bottom of who was responsible for Willow's latest attempt on Dawn's life. She has no memory, but something filled her with magic. 

Buffy hasn't heard anything we've said. She sitting, cradling Spike in her arms. She's rocking him as if he's a child, and talking to him, begging him to waken. From what Jacob's told us, there's nothing I can think of to do for him. Well, that's not exactly true. Not long after we got back, Buffy asked us to get him some blood. There's certainly some evidence that the ingestion of blood speeds their healing significantly, but whether or not it can repair a damaged brain? I haven't mentioned my doubts, because I don't think she could take it. I called Clem, and he's going to pick up some blood - human - because Buffy thinks that'll be more effective. I've no idea how she thinks she's going to get it into him, but we'll work that out when it's here.

When I glance outside, I can see nothing, but Willow tells me Riley is there, lurking in the shadows outside somewhere. It's just as well we've got tunnel access from the basement. I wrack my brain to try to remember if Riley knows that. I can't think of any way he could, unless Buffy mentioned it to him at some time. Of course, Clem uses that route - at least during daylight. It's not that he's got a sunlight allergy as such, but he does look out of place.

It's been a revelation for me. As a Watcher, I believed that demons were evil. It was black and white. Then there was Angel. Now, I still have some serious problems with him. But, on balance, he seems to be on the side of right, at least for now.

Then, there's Spike. He's still an enigma. I think I could study him for the rest of my life and not come to any firm conclusions. Clem? He's an unknown, except that I'm told that he's one of the gentlest creatures I'll ever meet.

As if thinking of him speeded his arrival, Clem appears at the door from the basement, several bags of blood in his arms. Buffy moves from Spike's side for the first time since they were reunited, and rushes to grab one of them. She applies her teeth to one corner, making a tiny hole, and returns to his side. She pours a few drops onto her finger, and places it inside his mouth. There's no reaction, but she doesn't stop. She repeats the action maybe a dozen times before she's rewarded with a movement. It's not a lot, just a slight movement of his tongue, followed by a small, but definite swallow. 

Her reaction is to whisper at us. "He's swallowing, he's swallowing." 

I place a hand on her shoulder, trying to show her that I care about what she's doing, but there's really nothing I can add at the moment, so, I approach Anya. She's behind the counter, checking over my totals sheets for the days she was absent. She's clucking irritably at some of my entries, and I know I'm going to hear a lot about my inadequacies in retail eventually, but right now, there's something more important I need to discuss with her.

"Did you find anything?" I ask.

"Of course I did," she replies. "How could you have sold the last of the newt eyes without ordering more? And, you've ordered more sage. There're two boxes of it downstairs. We won't need any more of that for months."

"Anya," I say as gently as I can, placing a hand on her shoulder. "I meant did you find anything to help with Riley?" 

She stops what she's doing, looking at me. "Oh, so you're still interested, are you?"

"Yes, Anya, we're interested. It's just that we've had other, more urgent things to deal with. But, if you've got a solution, it could still be useful. Riley's outside, waiting, I assume, for one of us to come out. He still wants to kill Buffy, and while she might be able to defend herself, he had a gun. We've got to assume he still has a gun. If he uses it on her, he might well kill her, and if he doesn't, he'll more than likely kill the baby. We've got to do something. We can't spend our lives looking for him over our shoulders."

She nods, for once without words, and reaches under the counter. 

"It's not perfect, but it's the best I could find."

She pulls out a sphere, apparently made of glass. It's a bit like a crystal ball, but it's too dark inside.

"It's a container designed to store magical energy. It's the strongest I could find, but I don't think it'll last very long. It's difficult to guess how long. It could be years, but it could be minutes. It's much stronger than anything available on this world."

"The original sphere," I ask, looking towards Rebecca and Jacob, "that lasted a very long time. Is it available in your world?"

Jacob shakes his head. "I don't think so. There aren't any records of the technology used to make the spheres. I could, perhaps, research and see if I can dig something up, but .. it'll take time."

I sigh deeply. There doesn't seem to be any way out of this. Willow breaks the silence. "How about this?" she begins, sounding less sure of herself than recently.

"I could do the spell to put the energy in the sphere. Then, the sphere could go into a universe of its own. Would that work?"

"It would only work as long as no one ever accessed that universe," Jacob replies. "It couldn't be a universe inside this world. We already know the Defenders have access here. And, it wouldn't be a good idea for it to be a world which was part of our own world. The availability of technology would ensure that sooner or later, the energy would be released."

"There is one possibility," Rebecca suggests, looking to Jacob for approval. "There's a world my father visited. It's got no life at all that's been found, and it's hardly surprising. Going there is extremely dangerous. The ambient temperature is extremely high, and there's extreme volcanic activity. My father visited to gather some data, so it's possible to go there, if you take appropriate precautions, but it should be safe from interference there. And, if it ever failed and was loosed into that world, it couldn't actually kill anything, anyway, well, except the people responsible for releasing it."

"That sounds feasible. What sort of precautions would be needed?" I ask. 

"Well, I could just bring the things my father used," Rebecca offers, "but it would mean that the sphere would have to be carried by either Jacob or me. None of you would fit into the protective suits. And anyway, we're the only ones who can create the new universe."

"Willow," I ask, "how close would you have to be to Riley to remove the energy?"

"The closer the better," she tells us. "I could probably do it from where he is now, but the risk of something going wrong is much greater than it would be if he were in the room with us."

"I assume he thinks he's safe from Jenna's spell where he is. Is he correct?"

Jenna nods. "I'm afraid so. The spell takes a great deal of power, and the distance would degrade it significantly."

"And we can't approach him because he's probably armed," I add. "And, even without a weapon, we suspect he's a match for the Slayer due to his, well, infection."

"Where is he, exactly?" Anya asks.

"He's in the alleyway across the street," Willow answers. "It's ideal there, because he can watch the front door, and still see the exit from the alley behind the shop if we were to leave that way."

"I could teleport to right behind him," Anya offers. "But I'd need something - some sort of spell, or something, I could release when I get there."

"We know my immobilisation spell worked before," Jenna offers. "If we could contain it .."

"I have the very thing," Anya pipes up. "These jars are very popular right now, and I've got quite a good stock. They're designed to contain a spell - not for long, the limit's probably a couple of hours, maybe less for this one, but they should be more than enough for what you're planning."

"I'm not sure," Jenna apologises. "I've never tried putting a spell into something like that. It seemed, well, a bit like cheating.."

"It's not cheating if it helps defeat evil," I reassure. "Willow, can you help?"

She smiles, genuinely happy to be of use, it seems. "Sure, I'll help. It's not hard, just a question of keeping the spell focussed - and I'd guess you had to do that the first time, anyway."

"Will the spell immobilise me, though?" Anya wanted to know.

"If you're close to him, yes, it will."

"What if I'm not close, I mean, there's a delay? I could activate the jar, teleport somewhere else, then come back straight away." She pauses, looking pleased with herself, then her brow knits as she thinks again. "Some help to get him back here after would be useful, though."

"No problem," Xander pipes up. I think he's glad to be useful too, even if it's only for a bit of muscle.

My eyes are drawn back to Buffy. She's still feeding Spike, a finger-full of blood at a time. It seems he's swallowing more forcefully than before, but I can't see any other reaction. I'm torn between being with her, supporting her, and the need to sort out Riley. Then I realise, I'm not needed in the Riley camp for the moment, so I can give her the support she needs. I leave the others to their preparations, and crouch on the floor beside my Slayer.

"How's he doing?" I ask.

"Better, I think. He's not waking, but if he can feed .."

"Then there's hope," I say, hoping I sound more reassuring than I feel.

"Do you think he'd suck it from a straw now?" I ask.

"Don't know, but it's worth a try," she agrees.

I know I spotted some straws under the counter a couple of weeks ago. Dawn brought them in one time, although I never did understand why. I find them, and return to the floor.

"Can you sit him up?" I ask.

Buffy shuffles until her back is against the wall, then pulls Spike into a sitting position between her legs, his head lolling onto her shoulder. I dip the straw into the blood, then reverse it, putting the clean end into the red liquid. I offer the blood smeared straw to his mouth, and to our relief, he first licks it, then starts to suck.

This method of feeding is much more efficient than the fingers, and it takes only ten minutes until he finishes the bag. Clem came to sit with us just after we started to use the straw, and he offers another bag. This time, it takes only five minutes to empty the bag. There's still no other sign of life.

"Help me to take him into the training room," Buffy asks. "I think he's had enough for now, he seemed to be slowing down towards the end of that last bag. I'll leave it an hour or so, then try again."

I nod my agreement, and we support Spike's inert body into the other room. Once there, Buffy makes him comfortable on one of the training mats, and curls up behind him, holding him close. She's just lying there, gently stroking his hair, which I notice is curled, and dark at the roots. He looks so human. The vampire I once knew is gone. The too perfect, severe hair, and pale skin is gone. Technically, he might be a demon, but what I see is a man.


	24. Chapter 24 Dreams, Wishes, and A Litany...

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Chapter 24 - Dreams, Wishes, and A Litany of Hope

I'm dreaming. I know that, yet I can't remember anything else. I know that this is not living, but I have no memory of life. I feel like I'm floating in an endless sea. I'm aware of faces. Many faces, but three of them predominate. One, gives me pain. That face is trying to drown me, trying to destroy me. The details on that face aren't too clear, just the eyes. They're grey, pale grey, and filled with hatred, and glazed with pleasure at my pain. I'm drowning in the pain, and my safety, my deliverance lines in the other two.

One of those faces, is a child. A child growing to womanhood, but a child nonetheless. Chestnut hair, and blue, blue eyes. Heart-shaped face, filled with love, love for me. The simple fact of it is clear in those eyes, as clear as the hate in the grey eyes. She's smiling at me, not speaking, just watching me, just loving me, and the pain is lessened by her presence.

The other face is that of a woman. This face is the easiest for me to see, the one that remains in my mind almost constantly. Unlike the others, this face has a body. A body that causes my body to respond in ways that I know it shouldn't. 

Her hair is blonde, her eyes seeming to vary between golden brown and olive green depending on her mood and her expression. 

The expressions on that face are so many. She looks on me with love, and she looks on me with hate. The two emotions shift over her face, apparently at random. I see everything in those eyes, love, fear, hate, desire, longing, pain. Her pain is my pain. Her joy is mine too. Looking at her face is to know myself, to see everything that I am, and it's not a picture I want to see. It's joy and it's agony to see, but I can't tear my eyes away. The grey eyes are gradually being banished by hers, her body making me aware of the body that I know is mine, even if it doesn't make itself apparent except in its reaction to hers.

I know I've caused her pain. I know this, and it hurts, like a knife deep in my gut, yet when the pain is at its worst, I see her joy, and I know that somehow, I'm responsible for that too. It lessens the pain, makes it bearable. My feelings for her are .. inappropriate. I want to take her, to make love to her, but I know that I'm so far beneath her that to think of her like that, to defile her with my thoughts, it makes me an animal.

Even when my thoughts are at their basest, as I imagine, as if from memory, how her body responds to mine, she smiles at me. It's a sign of my depravity that I can actually imagine her smiling, enjoying .. things which she could never ..

Then the child returns. Younger this time, a babe in arms, in the arms of her mother, the golden woman, and she's looking at me with love, and I know this dream must be a lie. I could never deserve such love, such joy as to be part of their lives. I'm evil, I've done such dreadful things, but to imagine her like that, is depravity to outmatch everything else. She's an .. angel, to be worshipped, to be adored. To touch her .. is heaven and hell wrapped together. To know that someone touched her, to make her a mother, knowing that it could never be me, undeserving as I am, is pain again, but this time, the grey eyes are back, and they're smiling.

The face of my pain is complete now. She's taunting me, telling me that she'll never be mine, never belong to me. She's with child, but someone else's, someone deserving, someone who's not beneath her, someone who's not me.

*-*-*

****

The business of fighting evil continues around me. It's strange. I'm the Slayer, it's been my job to be at the centre of that fight for almost as long as I can remember, yet right now, it isn't part of my consciousness. 

The only things that are part of my life right now are the man I'm holding, and the child within me. I can't bear not to touch him. It's as if it's the only way I'm sure he's back again. The time without him has been a nightmare which is still hovering in the background, because I'm not certain it's over yet.

He's here, his physical body is here, but that's all, for now. Jacob's words, telling me that his brain might have been destroyed, chilled me to the bone. The thought that the beautiful body in my arms may no longer harbour the man I love fills me with dread. 

Unbidden, memories come to mind. They're mixed. The happiest are recent, and they're of the time we had together before he was taken. It's funny, if I'd had to guess the feeling I'd have had immediately before and after Dawn's leaving, happy isn't the word I'd have used. But that period seems to be the only one that truly qualifies.

Other memories are happy, of course they are. Childhood memories of mom, and dad before they split up, special occasions, they were happy, but it now seems that they were incomplete. It's only when Spike was there, loving me, with me allowing him to love me, loving him, that makes the happiness complete.

Sadness comes to mind too. The other times I felt my heart would break. When Dad left. When Mom died. When we lost Dawn. When Angel told me he was leaving. They're memories that no longer cause my heart to constrict, no longer leave me with dread, because I know I survived. 

The possibility of losing Spike, that, I know I won't survive. I don't mean I'm going to die if he does, it doesn't work that way. Anyway, with the child I'm carrying, I won't allow it to happen. But, even if my body goes on, if my friends still see me daily, some part of me will die without Spike. It's as obviously true to me as my belief that I will die without oxygen.

I shake my head, trying to dispel the unpleasant thoughts. I force my mind to thoughts of our child. Our Dawn, our Zara. Somehow, she has been able to reach Spike in his dreams. I know she did before, and I think she's been visiting him while he was gone. I'm begging her in my mind, to visit him now, to talk to him, to make him understand how much he's loved and needed. Maybe she can show him the way home.

I don't know how it works. I mean, dream visits from a child in the womb? Not something I'd have taken seriously before, but somehow, I know it's true. It's not just that I've had them too, it's more that I know, or have some inkling now of Dawn's purpose, the purpose that Zara has to grow to fulfil.

Hard as it was coping with the knowledge that my sister was the Key, that she was wanted by a vicious Hellgod, and later, that someone or something was trying to kill her to prevent her fulfilling her purpose, it's harder still knowing that she's my child, mine and Spike's.

I resolve, yet again, to keep her safe. To make sure that she grows to become an adult, beyond the years of her being the Key. She deserves the chance to taste everything that life can offer, the bitter and the sweet, to live to see her children and grandchildren grown. And I'll fight with everything that I am to make sure she can. Except, .. except how can I without Spike?

I keep in my mind the fact that he's had blood. It healed me from an otherwise fatal demon attack, it'll heal his mind, bring him back. I've got to believe that.

His hair is so soft. I stroke it gently. I've never seen it so dark at the roots before, and it's only ever curly like this after a night spent together, sleeping and satisfying that ever-present ache for one another. It seems somehow wrong that it should be like this now, when I need him so much, in every way. 

Even these thoughts, along with the proximity of his body are enough to start the heat rising within me. I push it away, that automatic response to him, but it's been so long, and it resists. It resists right up until my mind goes back to the beginning of the loop that it's in. What if he never wakes up? What if Spike is gone, leaving only the body I'm holding? The chill of such thoughts kills the other feelings so completely, that it seems they'll never be rekindled.

Dawn, Zara, talk to him. Lead him home to us, lead him home. My litany resumes, and I try to concentrate on it, to push all other thoughts from my mind, as the business of destroying evil continues around me. 

*-*-*

The round of faces continues. Others appear, but their tenure is short, as if they're unimportant. There's a dark woman, with long, red-painted fingernails that move in front of her face, as if weaving a spell. There's a man, equally dark, his eyes filled with menace, and .. evil.

But then they're gone, and it's back to the others. The grey-eyed one is looking irritated now, as if things are no longer going her way. The child is pushing her out of they way, silencing her, telling me without words that she's wrong, that the vision that hovers in my mind, the golden woman and the child, is my future if only I grasp it. 

The doubts remain, a long-held belief (from where?) that I could never be a father, the regret of that, something I hid deep inside of me, painful. But the vision doesn't recede, it's still there, and the child is repeating, as if to someone who doesn't understand the language, that it's mine if I wish it.

If I wish it. How could I not? To be part of that, to belong to a family, it's so much more than I deserve. That thought brings back the grey eyes, with a glint of triumph, and I feel the little confidence I'd built up recede, only to feel the blue eyes on me again, chiding me for stepping backwards. They're disapproving, but only insofar as a doting parent disapproves of an unwise choice made by a loved child. Now that's odd. How could a child look at me like that? I'm old. I don't know how old, it's just a feeling I have, a feeling of age without the accompanying wisdom. If the wisdom was there, perhaps I could sort out fact from fiction among my dreams. 

The child is pointing to the vision again, to the woman who I know I love more than life itself, even if I can't think of her name. She's smiling at me, beckoning me to look at the child at her breast, to share the wonder of that new life. I feel that if I could just reach out, touch her, I would know if it was real, or a cruel mirage. I stretch my hands towards her, but it's a vision, insubstantial, something I can't reach.

Yet, as I look, the image is alternately fading and becoming clearer, and I realise it's doing so in time to my belief. It's as if, if only I believe in that vision, it can be mine, and there's nothing I could desire more.

Grey eyes return, looking concerned, as if she knows I've solved the puzzle, and a new barrage of sights assault me. I'm in a bathroom, and the golden woman is on the floor, pulling her robe around her defensively, looking at me with pain, .. and the vision recedes, becoming the faintest of shadows, as I'm once again reminded that I'm evil, filthy, obscene, a travesty of a man who could never father a child, could never deserve a love such as hers. 

__

This is the most emotional chapter I've written in a while, and for those of you who enjoy that sort of thing, I hope it works. It's more or less a background chapter for the next one which will be back to moving the story forwards again. 

Thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far, your comments are always welcome. And, any comments on this one are welcome too ….. (-:


	25. Chapter 25 Sweet Release

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Chapter 25 - Sweet Release

It's amazing how quickly things can change. They've rescued Spike, and along with him, another .. whatever .. like Rebecca. The demon, his name is Jacob I remind myself, looks like he's been through the mill. Spike looks fine, well aside from the fact that he's unconscious. According to Jacob, Spike's pain was all high-tech, and it could have destroyed his brain. 

It hurts. It hurts that no one but Anya let me know what happened. I mean, I get that Buffy's pre-occupied, and I can see that the others are too, but there was a time when I was at the centre of the action, but I'm not any more. A niggling voice tells me it's my own fault, that I excluded myself with my reaction to, well, Spike in particular, but Buffy too. It doesn't make it easier, but it at least shows me that maybe, I can put it right.

It hurts me to see Buffy in such pain. That the source of the pain is Spike, well, it makes it hurt a little more, but surprisingly, it's only a little. I love her. I always have, but these days it's the love of a friend. It's taken a while for me to get to the stage where I could say that without any doubts, but I can now. Anya? The woman I love, as a man loves a woman, isn't even human any more, yet I love her. She .. she .. I don't know. She wants me. She wants me in her bed, but I just don't know if she'll ever love me again. But only she cared enough to call me and let me know that everything had changed.

She asked me to come to the store, warning me to come by the tunnel. She didn't explain exactly what had happened, but once here, a lot became obvious. Those who are magically inclined are working on the means of rescuing Riley from his .. whatever. Infection, possession, I don't know. 

Giles and Clem are chatting quietly, their eyes on the doorway to the training room, where I know Buffy is lying, curled around Spike, stroking his hair, loving him without thought for anything else. The way she always loves, when she lets herself. 

I watched for a while, but I couldn't stay. It was a combination of discomfort at seeing her pain, and feeling that I was witnessing something so personal, so intimate, that I find my face flaming as I remember. 

I've known that she loves him for a while. I hoped, at the beginning, that she'd get over it, but I should have known better. She loves with everything she is, it's her greatest strength, and at the same time, it's her greatest weakness.

There's some movement over at the table, and it's obvious that the women are ready for the first part of the rescue operation. Giles and Clem have noticed, too, and we watch as Jenna performs the spell that we hope will incapacitate Riley, focussing it into the jar in front of her. When it's complete, Anya caps the jar triumphantly, then looks around, suddenly nervous again. 

She's going to face an armed man, and she's scared. I want to hold her, to tell her that I love her, but I don't know if that will be welcome. She catches my eye, and I decide I don't care what her reaction will be. I approach, and put my hands on her shoulders. Somehow, to put them right around her seems too .. familiar. Considering the things we've done together, that's a very odd notion, but ..

She looks up at me as my hands touch her, her eyes showing clearly the fear and excitement. 

"Be careful," I tell her.

She looks at me, and I feel the question on her face. She's confused as to the reason for my telling her that.

"I love you, Anya. Come back safe."

She nods, apparently accepting my words without argument. She doesn't reciprocate, but she doesn't argue either.

She turns away, and takes a second to remind everyone of her plan, then disappears in a flash.

The moments that she's gone seem to go on forever. Willow seems to know what's happening, and keeps the rest of us up to date. At last, she tells us that Anya needs some help. For an instant, I misunderstand, thinking that she's in some sort of trouble, then I realise that she just means that I should go and help to bring Riley into the store.

I run outside, with Giles at my heels. We reach a very relieved Anya, who's apparently holding Riley upright with a single hand on his chest. For the first time I consider the possibility that she doesn't actually need any help.

"You could carry him yourself," I accuse.

"Well, duh, of course I could. It'd just look, well, silly, little thing like me carrying a big hulk like that. How Buffy could let herself get down and dirty with such an enormous .. "

She stops, noting Giles' removal of his glasses, and my embarrassed shuffling.

"Anyway," she continues. "Let's get him back to Willow."

Once back in the store, Giles helps me to take Riley into the training room. There he produces a set of chains, and uses them to secure Finn to some cleats on the wall which are normally hidden by the array of weapons that are stored there. 

As we finish, Willow and Jenna come in, closely followed by Rebecca and Jacob. 

"I'll get what's needed, then," Rebecca offers. "It shouldn't take too long."

She fiddles with her wrist for a second, and she's gone. All this disappearing is coming to seem almost an everyday occurrence to me. I shudder at the prospect.

Willow sets everything out on the floor, and sits cross-legged opposite Riley.

"Will the rest of you complete the circle?" she asks. "We'll need Buffy as well," she adds, looking at Giles with sightless eyes. He nods and goes to the couple at the other side of the room.

A few moments later, Buffy has joined us, as Willow completes her preparations. Closest to Riley, on either side, are Giles and I. Buffy's next to Giles, and then there's Jacob, and there's space next to him for Rebecca when she returns. On my other side is Anya, and then there's Clem with Jenna completing that side. Apparently, the more people present in the circle, the more secure the spell, the less chance of the energy escaping the circle to infect someone else. 

Rebecca appears a few seconds later, dressed in a strange, transparent suit which doesn't seem to do anything other than make her look a little more bulky. She takes up her appointed position in the circle, and Willow begins.

The incantation is long, and in a language I don't understand. Not that that's surprising, because, well, I have enough problems with English. Willow continues, her hair wavering between black and red as she speaks, and her eyes are black. I'm scared, I admit it. I remember the last time I saw dark Willow. I can see Jenna watching Willow carefully too, and I know she's watching for the first sign that there's a problem.

The light level in the room drops, suddenly, and then it's as if Riley is spotlighted. He's glowing, white at first, but it's changing, becoming pinkish, swirling, enveloping him, clinging to him. Willow's words are getting louder, more insistent as she demands (I assume) that the energy leave its human host. I'm noticing a pattern now, the same words repeated over and over, and at last, the energy is being pulled towards the sphere in front of Willow. As it moves, I feel the .. evil. It chills me to the bone. It moves, slowly at first, but gathering speed until it's all contained within the sphere.

As quickly as the light dimmed, it's back to normal. Willow's slumped to the floor, but in front of her there's a sphere filled with angry purplish .. it looks like liquid. Without speaking, Giles lifts the sphere and hands it to Rebecca. She accepts it silently, and as she does so I notice that the sphere is looking less clear than it did a moment ago, as if the surface is cracking.

"Hurry," Giles advises, as Rebecca disappears.

Another interminable time passes. Even Buffy remains with the rest of us, waiting for Rebecca to return so that we can be sure of her success. I move to kneel beside Willow, finding her awake, but looking tired. She reassures me that she's fine, so I return my attention to the spot recently occupied by Rebecca. It seemed to me that the sphere wasn't going to last too long, and I find I'm almost holding my breath. 

At last, she's back, looking shaken, but otherwise as she was. Jacob runs to her, enfolding her in a hug. The relief in the room is palpable. Between us, Giles and I help Willow into a chair, watching as she recovers.

"If you're ready?" Giles asks Jenna. She nods, knowing her part in the procedure. She moves her arms, muttering something under her breath, and the spell that had constrained Riley is gone. He slumps in his chains, the gun which was still in his hand, frozen there by the spell, falling to the floor.

He looks .. worse than I've ever seen. Pale and in pain and tired. Then, his face lights up, relief clear on his face.

"It's gone," he sighs. He looks around the assembled company, his eyes lighting on Buffy, but she doesn't notice. As soon as it was obvious that we'd been successful, she turned around, her attention once again focussed on Spike. 

Riley's face drops visibly at the sight. He quickly gets it back under control, and smiles at the rest of us as Giles unchains him. I can see from the Watcher's demeanour that he's itching to find out what Riley knows, but even I can see that he's going to need food and sleep before he's of any use to anyone. Then, we've got to work out just how far we can trust Riley. His glance travels around the room, taking in the fact that there were three obvious demons in the group who saved him. He probably doesn't know about Anya, and Buffy didn't think he took her lack of humanity seriously when she told him. Regardless of what happens, he's got some learning to do. And it occurs to me, that I might be the best person to do the teaching. I mean, it wasn't so long ago, I'd have been agreeing with his point of view. It's been a while since I thought I'd be able to teach someone something, unless it has to do with the best way to fit a window, or make a joint for the frame. I just wonder if he'll be willing to learn, or whether he'll just betray us to his friends at the first opportunity. 

The possibility of Anya being hurt makes me see red for a moment. At the first sign of any doubtful behaviour, I decide I'd rather kill him with my own hands than let him hurt anyone else in the room. Even Spike. Now, that's a turn up, isn't it?


	26. Chapter 26 Coming Home

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Chapter 26 - Coming Home

I'm home. It doesn't seem like it, but it's home. Giles, well, he organised everybody after Willow's idea was successful. Riley's going to stay with him, so he's going back to the apartment he and Willow used when they first came back from England. And then there was the fact that he didn't want me to be left alone with an incapacitated Spike. So, he's vacated my room, and Spike's in my bed. There's been no change in him yet. I fed him again a while ago, so I'm hoping. Hope, it's all I've got left.

Of course there were mutterings before we left. Riley wasn't happy about Spike being in my house, but, surprise surprise, Xander put him straight. I think he's finally coming to accept that I love Spike.

Then there was the obligatory warning from Giles. You know how he does it, when he pulls himself up to his full height and goes all Ripper. He told Riley that at the first sign of any double-dealing, he'd do his best to get him transported to the world where the energy is now probably free. Pale as he was, Riley blanched at that. 

Rebecca has taken Jacob home. She's promised to return soon, but wanted to get Jacob's injuries tended by someone who actually understands his anatomy, and I can't blame her. She seems determined to be involved in destroying the so-called Defenders. I want that too, but first I want Spike back. Completely back.

Once we were alone, I pulled off the clothes he was wearing. I know he's never had much variety in what he wears, but he's always cared about his appearance. The clothes he had on were wrinkled and spotted and very un-Spike-like. I was going to dress him again, he'd left a pair of jeans here, but it just seemed like hard work. I mean, those jeans are skin-tight. So I decided to leave him as he was, naked in my bed. At least he looks comfortable.

I leave him for long enough to shower, my ears trained towards him the whole time. I need to sleep. It's been so hard to sleep without him, I'm hoping that just having him close will give me the rest I need so I can do whatever he needs me to do.

I dry myself off, leaving a towel around my body. I wonder why. I mean, the bathroom leads directly to the bedroom, and .. It's just, it feels strange being naked and seeing no reaction from him. There was always a reaction. At the very least there was that raised eyebrow, but more often the tongue on the teeth, and maybe a comment. And that's assuming he was dressed. If he wasn't, the reaction would have been rather more visible.

I brush my hair, untangling it, but don't bother to dry it. I just want to be close to him again, to feel his body close to mine. I put the towel back in the bathroom switch, out the light, and climb in beside him. 

There are sounds of movement from Willow and Jenna, but I hardly notice beyond registering that we're not alone. I hear a deep sigh that's almost a moan, and start before realising it's me. Just being close to him like this .. it's like I've come home after a long absence. I try to work out how long it is since I've lain with him like this, but my befuddled brain can't work it out. Math was never my strong point, anyway.

It's funny, lying with him like this. Normally, this proximity would ignite a fire between us, but it's missing, because, apart from his body, Spike's missing. There's an overwhelming feeling of comfort, of home, but the arousal I would normally expect is missing, at least until I close my eyes. Then, I see him, smirking at me, running his tongue over his teeth and ..

Stop. I need to sleep. I repeat this mantra over and over, and then, somehow I know I've succeeded.

__

It's dark. I'm sitting, on a floor or something similarly unyielding, but I can see nothing. Despite the silence, I know he's there. It's that familiar tingle, but it's coupled with fear and despair. It's coming off him in waves that almost cause me to panic.

"Spike," I call, desperate to find a direction. I know if only I can find him, I can make everything alright. Wary that I might be on a platform of some kind, I get onto all fours, and turn around slowly. I call out again, and this time there's a faint moan. I start to move towards the sound, slowly, completely disorientated by the total lack of light.

Then I hear it. I recognise the voice immediately even though I've only spoken to her once, and then her voice didn't drip malice.

"You'll never find him," she taunts. "I've buried him so deep, he'll never get out. He held onto you for a long time, longer than I'd have thought possible, you know that? But it was only a matter of time. He knows he doesn't deserve to be loved. He's a demon. He's filth, and he knows it."

"I'll find him, you bitch, and when I do .." I warn.

"You'll what? I know all about you. The Slayer, super powers and all that. But you won't hurt me, because I'm human. You can't hurt me, it goes against everything you believe in. You've sunk so low, but you'll never sink that far."

I pause. Do I go after her, or continue to where I heard the moan. I decide to ignore her. Her voice didn't seem so clearly pinpointed anyway. I continue to crawl towards what I hope is Spike, calling gently to him as I progress. I can hear better now, the moaning is becoming more consistent, and there are words there too. I strain to hear, and when I do, I start to cry.

"Hurt the girl. I hurt her. I'm nothing. Less than nothing. She'll kill me, she will. It's right, it's what I deserve. It's what I want, so I can't ever hurt her again."

The words are mumbled, and if I didn't know every nuance of his voice I don't think I'd understand. At last I reach out a hand, and I feel something. It's cold flesh, and I explore it gently. He used to be cold, but he's not, not any more. I continue my exploration and I know it's him. His arm, fine hairs on the lower part leading to familiar muscles higher. More confidently now, I reach further, finding his chest, then trailing up towards his neck and then his chin. I lift a single finger and trace it down his face, pausing it over his lips as he continues his mumbling. My finger's wet. I move my hand again and realise he's crying, tears dampening his cheeks. I kiss the tears away, gently, unsure how to reach him.

"Spike, I'm here. I'm not hurt. Wake up, please, just wake up and I'll take you home."

There's movement at my words, and for a moment my heart lurches in hope, and then I hear the voice behind me, too close.

"You're too late. He's gone, too deep for you to reach."

I jump up, spinning around, suddenly sure of what I need to do. Yet, all those exercises with Giles, practising what I need to do to fight an unseen foe, they're gone. Somehow I don't have any idea of where she is, but I know she's a real threat.

"It's ok, Buffy, I'll help." The voice is instantly recognisable, and it's Dawn. I can't see my sister/daughter, but I can see. Somehow, she's lit up the area, like a spotlight on me and the woman who's looming close.

Her face shows her fear for a second. This isn't what she expected, but the expression is gone as soon as it appeared. She's armed with a light sword, and she swings it with deadly accuracy. Except I'm the Slayer. I react faster that she can, moving out of the way, trying to find a way past the blade. She swings again, and again I evade it. Then I hear Spike, he's crying out loud this time, sobbing, and this time I'm a little too slow when she swings the sword, and it catches me a slice from my shoulder down my arm. I gasp in surprise, but move away from her, breathing deeply and trying to re-centre myself. The next swing is evaded easily, and she's looking unsure. She thought this would be easy, yet even though she's drawn blood, I can still evade her.

Hard as it is, I block all thought of Spike from my mind. I can't afford to lose concentration. The fight continues, and I'm getting irritated. She hasn't been able to get in another touch, but then neither have I been able to get past that sword. She doesn't seem to be slowing down either. Just when I'm wondering if there is a way to get at her, the light level increases, temporarily blinding us both, but I recover more quickly, diving towards her and knocking the sword out of her hand.

Now it's more even. She's stronger than she should be, but I know I'm stronger still. 

At last, I connect with a high kick, and she falls onto the sword. For the first time I see that, impossibly, it's propped up, apparently by nothing. I hear her gurgle as the sword slips home, and she smiles, a horrible smile, and whispers, "I knew you couldn't kill me," before she exhales one last time and lies there, her head twisted around to stare at me.

I run towards Spike, finding him as I left him. I instinctively run my hand down the wound in my shoulder, feeling my hand sticky with my own blood. I quickly forget about that as I reach Spike, putting my hand towards his face. He tenses as I do that, and I wonder why, if he's hurt. Then his tongue snakes out and licks the blood off my hand. I put it back to my shoulder, picking up more blood and offer it to him again. His reaction is the same. I lie down on my side beside him, pulling him up to face me, then move hid head towards the blood which is still welling from my shoulder

. He doesn't need any encouragement, immediately starting to lick the blood from its source.

And it feels so good. He's here, and he's feeding from me, and it's ..

I waken with a start. The house is quiet, and a glance at the clock tells me it's three in the morning. Spike is lying as I left him, corpse-like except for the shallow breathing and faint heartbeat.

I try to remember the dream, wondering if it's a hint or just a dream. I decide I don't care. I rummage through my drawer looking for anything suitable. At last I find it, a pack of razors that Spike left here. He doesn't shave often, but .. I pull one from the pack, remembering with a smile the conversation we'd had about his unwillingness to try an electric razor.

"Been doin' it this way for a long time. 'Sides, s'not like there's always an electricity supply close to hand."

I go back to the bed, sitting beside him. I run the razor over my wrist, trying to keep the cut shallow, and place my wrist close to his mouth.

Just like in the dream, his body tenses, then his nose twitches, and he starts to feed. I don't know how long he feeds, but I can feel him changing as he does so. I can't say what it is that's changing, except that he's becoming more Spike. 

At last, by the light from the street outside, I see his eyelids flutter, and his tongue slows its lapping. As it stills, his eyes open. They're blank for a while, then slowly recognition dawns. He looks confused, but I'm unable to explain. I don't care that I'm bleeding over the sheets, although I notice that the flow has all but stopped. I launch myself at him, throwing my arms around him and burrowing my face in towards his neck. Almost unsure at first, I feel his arms snake around me, tightening their hold as if he thinks I'm a figment of his imagination. There are no words to explain how I feel, so I won't try. 

When I pull away a little, he seems to panic, as if I'm leaving, but all I want to do is look at his face, to see his eyes. When he realises I'm not going anywhere, there's almost a smile. How can he almost-smile when I'm grinning all over my face?

"I thought I'd lost you," I manage.

"You'll never lose me, Pet," he whispers, the look of wonder in his eyes reminding me of his expression when I first told him I loved him, or that first time in the collapsing building. It's humbling to see it, to see in his face how much I'm loved.

Somehow, we've managed to be naked and close and even conscious for a while and we haven't even kissed. I move my lips towards his, determined to put that right. He responds, almost shyly at first, then gently returning the kiss.

We break apart, and he's looking at me as if he can't believe his eyes.

"I didn't think I'd ever see you again," he whispers.

"The pain, the things she said, it's all muddled together. It's like I'm not sure what's real and what isn't."

"I'm real," I tell him, running my hand up and down his back.

"Yeah," he grins, and moves in to kiss me.


	27. Chapter 27 A Taste of Heaven, Under Thr...

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Chapter 27 - A Taste of Heaven, Under Threat

Waking in her arms .. well, the phrase 'died and gone to heaven' comes to mind. Except that's not going to happen to me. I've already died, and I woke to fight my way from a coffin. Of course, Dru was waiting for me, the taste of her blood still in my mouth, causing me to crave more of it. I remember how I felt about Dru. Was it Love? It was total absorption, total devotion, total obsession. But was it love? I'd never felt love before, not 'romantic' love. When I think about it, the only love I felt as a human had a good dose of devotion and obsession about it. My mother for example.

What I feel for Buffy is different. Oh, there's the absorption, devotion and a fair helping of obsession, but there's more. There's the feeling that without her, I'm not me. Somehow, she's part of me, the part I never knew existed, but could no longer live without.

The dreams tried to take her from me, but her blood brought me home.

Considering I started human, it's been a pretty twisted path I've travelled. I died, and was 'reborn' a vamp, courtesy of Dru. Then, I dusted and was sent back by a glowing child I don't even pretend to understand. And now this. I suppose, technically, I wasn't dead this time. But I might as well have been. Dawson really did a number on me. Once I was weakened by the pain, she talked to me. I heard her voice in my head, telling me all the things I knew already. That I was worthless, that I didn't deserve to be loved, that it wasn't possible for Buffy to really love me. And without her love, I couldn't possibly live.

I knew that nothing could reach me where I cowered in the darkness. Well, Dawson told me that, and she'd been right about everything else, or at least that's how it seemed to me. But, somehow, Buffy found me. The taste of her blood was the only thing that could have penetrated the barriers that surrounded me. 

Real memories are still hazy. They're fading in and out a bit, but Buffy being there, offering her blood to me, that was all the reality I needed at first. I didn't even know where I was, the feeling of her hands on my skin, the sight of her face, so overwhelming that other senses seemed to just give up. Gradually, the world around us came into focus. We were in her bed, and there were others in the house. But, even these thoughts had to wait until our immediate physical needs were, no, not sated, more, brought to a manageable level. We made love with a gentleness, a silence that I can hardly believe now, but then, it seemed the only possibility. It was all about touch and sight, taste and smell, and somehow sound was superfluous.

Then, we talk, mere whispers, telling each other about what happened. She guides my hand to her stomach as she tells me that she is pregnant. She looks deep into my eyes as she says the words, desperate to see my reaction, but how could she doubt it?

"I had a dream .." I tell her. "Dawn, she was there, but she was a baby, our baby. Is that it? Or just a dream, some sort of cruel joke?"

"That's it," she reassures me. "She's coming back to us, our daughter."

"Zara," I offer.

She nods. "Zara Renee. Dawn reborn."

"Are you ok?" I ask, suddenly afraid for her.

"I'm fine. Been under a bit of strain recently, of course, but right now, I've never been better."

I stroke her face, noticing that she's lost weight and that she looks tired. Despite that, she's never looked more beautiful to me. 

"They say it makes a woman glow," I say. "And you are, you're glowing."

"And no radioactive dress in sight," she quips.

I can't describe the wonder I feel. Everything about it is somehow so much more than I deserve. I'm going to be a father. Well, never thought that'd happen. Having a child with Buffy? Even better, but somehow it just makes the reality seem more like a dream. And Dawn's my daughter. Suppose I should start thinking about her as Zara. It just couldn't get any better.

She's looking at me, a question on her face. I can't help it, my eyes are filling with tears. I dreamed about it, but during the nightmare, it just seemed to be a cruel jest, offer me everything I could hope for, then pull it away.

"Are you pleased?" she asks. How could she wonder?

"Pleased doesn't come close," I reassure her, holding her tighter and burying my face in the crook or her neck.

She knows that I'm struggling to keep the tears from flowing, and she changes the subject. She tells me what's been happening while I've been away. About Willow's new sight. About Jacob and Rebecca. About how they rescued me. About Riley turning up with a gun. Another score I've got to settle, and my body tenses as I realise what could've happened.

"It wasn't him," she says, softly, recognising my reaction for what it was. 

"Are you sure?" I ask. "I mean, I'm not human, hell, you're not human. We both fit nicely into his definition of 'SubT'."

"I know, but .. but something's making him feel like that. His fear about this thing that was in him, it's not normal. I think, I think he's been brainwashed too. Maybe all of them. I mean, they experimented with their bodies, why not their minds too?"

It doesn't make it any easier to deal with, but maybe it explains a bit of it. Still, he wanted to kill my girls. I won't forget that.

I feel relief that Jacob is safe. And sort of pleased that I might see him again. For a while, I think it was only him that kept me from losing it completely.

The sun's rising outside, and we're still lying together, still loath to move any part of us out of contact with the other. This is real, lying with her like this. I'm half afraid that when I'm not touching her any more, it won't be real, but as we hear movement outside the door, I know it won't be long.

I was right. There's a quiet knock on the door.

"Buffy? You awake? Anything I can get you?" It's Willow's voice. I know she's blind, but that she's somehow using her magic to see, but that's hard to take in.

Buffy calls back, "Just a minute," before giving me a short kiss on the lips and pulling herself from the bed. I think she's worried Willow might just come in. She pulls on a wrap, and goes out into the hallway. My initial reaction is one of total loss. She's gone, I can't touch her, and the despair starts to gather again. I push every sense I have out to try to find her, and then I do, mere inches away, in the hallway. Of course, a little thing like a closed door doesn't stop me from hearing every word.

"Spike's awake," Willow tells Buffy.

"Yeah, how did ..?"

"Well, I kinda, felt him, you know, when I woke up? It was like he wasn't there before, and then he was. And, even if I couldn't, I don't know what else could make you give out all these 'happy vibes'."

Buffy laughs at that. It's a laugh that's a joy to hear.

"Can you call Giles, let him know? And Xander?" 

"Sure," Willow answers. "How do you feel about breakfast? I could bring something up. Not sure what we've got, but, toast, maybe an egg or two?"

"Thanks, Will. You ok with that?"

"Haven't had a mishap in the kitchen for a few days, so I'm getting better. Besides, I need the practice. I'll just leave a tray outside, is that ok?"

Seconds later, Buffy's here again, the wrap discarded, and that sweet contact is back. Somehow the thought of not touching her is less difficult now, but it's still not welcome.

It's much later when we get up. I don't think either of us wanted to move, but there are things to do. The routine of living, of being the Slayer, doesn't stop just because we've been separated for a while.

The message that comes from Willow as soon as we show our faces is that Giles wants to see us. He's obviously been talking to Riley, and he wants to know what I know about where I was held and what they did to me. I'm not sure how much help I'm going to be - I only saw what they wanted me to see, and my memory's still fuzzy on details even then. 

When we get to the Magic Box, the others are all there. No Riley, I notice, but before I can comment, Buffy asks the question.

"Where is he?"

Giles looks momentarily bemused by the question, then realises.

"Riley? He convinced me of the necessity that he not be seen with any of us, so he's gone. He's going to try to find a way into the organisation, what do they call themselves now? Defenders of humanity?"

He makes a sound that eloquently shows just what he thinks of that.

"So, Spike, do you feel like telling us what happened to you? Jacob told us some things, but it'd be useful if you would share it with us, from a personal point of view."

I nod, pulling up a chair at the research table next to Buffy. Her hand leaves mine, but immediately takes up residence on my leg, the contact giving me strength.

"Some of it's still fuzzy," I start. "They've been playing games with my brain, worse than the chip. But I'll try."

I pause for a few seconds, gathering my thoughts. "The first thing they did was use me as a guinea pig. They cut bits out of me, took all sorts of samples, did experiments on me, but they kept me unconscious for most of it. Funny anaesthetic, though, stopped me fighting, just didn't kill the pain at all, and gave me nightmares to account for it." 

"Then it was different. They finished taking samples, checking me out. Jacob said they were trying to clone me. Bloody stupid idea that, but I don't know what happened to the samples. They moved me. Dawson was involved in the first part, but there were a lot of them then. When they moved me, there was only her. It was as if she had a different .. agenda. What she did then, that was personal. Don't know what I've done to her, but that's how it seemed."

"It started with a noise. Didn't seem like anything special, but she told me it was designed just for me. And when I heard it, something fired in my brain, giving me pain - a bit like the chip, but going on as long as the noise. At first, that's all that happened. She zapped me, and asked questions."

"After a while, I'm not so sure. I think she could meddle with my memory too, but .. Anyway, then, the pain would do something to me. It'd be like I wasn't anywhere. Couldn't see, hear or feel anything around me except her face, her voice and the pain. I think that's when she told me things, but I didn't remember, not at the time. But, before I woke, I was .. dreaming. Dreaming about her voice, her face, telling me things I already knew, that I didn't deserve .. anything. Then she was showing me things, making me imagine things, Buffy with Riley, with Angel, with .. others, with anyone but me. She made me believe I had no reason to waken. I was lost, and that's what she wanted."

I pause then, the crushing weight of the doubts she re-enforced threatening to overwhelm me.

"I had a dream too, it told me I had to offer him some blood," Buffy tells the others. She describes her dream, in more detail than she'd already shared with me. The others listen, with interest, and Giles interrupts occasionally asking her to clarify something. I wonder why he didn't ask me anything, and then I know. He did want to, he tried to catch my eye more than once, but I just wanted to tell the tale and be finished with it. Describing my feelings like this in front of the whole gang isn't something I'm comfortable with. Not very Big Bad, now is it?

"Dawn helping again," Giles muses when Buffy's finished. "Or something masquerading as Dawn because it knows you'll both trust her."

"It was her," Buffy insists. "Well, her or Zara. Don't know which name's more appropriate."

The mention of the Bit, brings back the realisation that everything's even more perfect than I have any right to know. 

Giles clears his throat. "So, Dawn's still helping, and you two still have the job of protecting her until she's old enough to become the Key. Because of this, we've got to consider the possibility that this whole business with Spike has more relevance than just the Defenders' animosity against demons, or their wish to build further creatures they can control. Although the possibility of an army of Spikes is hardly something to give me pleasant dreams, the more immediate danger is that the Defenders as a whole, or some members within that organisation, are intent on destroying Dawn. Spike, your suggestion that there were two separate agendas at work could be the clue. I think we should ask Riley to make an investigation of this Dawson his first priority if and when he has access to such information."

"There's also the possibility that Jacob mentioned, that there could be some sort of cult at work here. He implied the cult was a legend, rather than known fact, but I've had to deal with too many 'legends' to assume that's all it is. The cult is supposed to be a group, originally from Jacob's world, and the members are intent on carrying on the work started by Blar, who was originally responsible for the energy which was contained in the Orb of Fire. If they exist, such a group would certainly have a reason for wanting to make sure that this baby is never born."

That's right, Watcher. Now I've got just about everything I could want out of life, he's just made it clear that there're whole bands of people out there desperate to take it all away from me. Still, I'm back, and they've got no idea how hard I'm willing to fight for them. If they make one move to hurt my girls, they'll find out just what I'm capable of.


	28. Chapter 28 Back on the Team

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A.N. I know this has been a long time coming, and for that I apologise. The problem was due to a computer that died, and while I didn't lose any data, I did lose my internet access for almost two weeks. I hoped I'd be able to do lots of writing in the interim, but it didn't work out that way. It seems I need the inspiration of reading all the other Spuffy fics out there to keep me going. So, short chapter this time, but hopefully a longer one to follow. As always, your feedback is welcome.

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Chapter 28 - Back on the Team

It's taken me a while, but a couple of days ago, I was allowed back on active service. Because of my recent 'traumatic experiences', I've even managed to wangle an in to the Sunnydale group. Their base is another part of the old Initiative complex - one I didn't realise was still active, even while I was working on the artefacts that included the Orb of Fire. The entrance is an unassuming office block, but the base itself is underground. They want me to get involved with a project aimed at providing us with soldiers to help in the fight against demons by using demons. Of course, they will also potentially be useful against humans too, but no one's saying much about that.

The officer charged with showing me around seems pleasant, I even think I recognise her from somewhere, although it was a long time ago, on another mission, in what seems like another life. My first job is to get up to speed with what's going on, then I'll be providing supervision for the scientists who're actually pushing forward the project.

By the time my tour's finished, my mind's reeling from the implications of what's happening here. I'm left in my new office, with a pile of paperwork to read, and .. The things I heard from Giles, the things I picked up from the others.. they were right, but the scale of it is unimaginable.

They've set up a cloning factory. The original plan was just to breed certain types of demons, but that hit problems. The demons who'd be most useful to them are by definition strong and tend towards being aggressive. If there's one thing they learned from the problems the Initiative had, it's that keeping significant numbers of that type of demon around isn't a good idea. They looked at alternatives - transplanting embryos to less aggressive mothers, but they had no success. Then they had a stroke of luck. I told them that Spike was back, and they picked them up. The tests they did on him showed him to be unique, in their experience anyway. He was also ideal for what they had in mind.

He's strong, he heals quickly, he's intelligent, and best of all he looks human. As far as they're concerned he's the ideal subject, and add to that the fact that he's proved controllable in the past, and they're convinced that if they can get their hands on him from a young enough age, he'll be completely tractable.

Then there's the problem. They believe he's unique, so they can't breed more of them by normal means. So, they're cloning. I hadn't realised cloning had gone beyond sheep, but the technicalities of producing lots of embryonic Spike's seems to be considered a standard. The problem is finding a suitable surrogate mother. 

Of course, I know something they don't. I know, or at least I've been told, that Spike's not the only one of his kind in existence. There's another one, and what's more, she has the potential to be an ideal surrogate mother. She also happens to be someone I care deeply about. 

I already know that she's carrying his child. Somehow, that makes me feel uncomfortable. Not the fact that she's carrying his child, although I can't say that gives me warm fuzzies. No, what's giving me that creepy feeling inside is the idea that they would use Buffy that way. That they would consider her child to be something they could use for their experiments. I make a mental note to tell Giles that Buffy should keep the paternity of her child quiet. If these people find out, I mean, as far as they're concerned, Buffy's the Slayer, but she's human. If they ever find out otherwise ..

I go back to the file. The most recent comments deal with the fact that Spike's no longer being held. There aren't any details of how he escaped, or of where he was being held, but there is some irritation about the fact that it happened. The implication is that they have enough samples of him for it not to be an immediate problem. 

Dawson's only been mentioned as the author of some reference papers on the behaviour control chips. From what I've seen here, they're a lot more sophisticated than the one we put in Spike. The details aren't in these files, and I make a note to ask for copies of the full specs of those new chips.

I've set up a contact system with Giles. I've got to assume that my phone will be bugged, and my computer system will be monitored. I also know that there was a system under development which can recognise demons and those who have contact with them using pheromones, so I can't have any direct contact either. The best we've come up with is the basement of the Magic Box. I can get in there using the tunnels, and I can either leave messages, or if it's important enough meet with Giles or one of the other humans there. I've heard Giles' summary of Spike's report on the time he was held, and my initial doubt has been diminished by reading what's in front of me. 

I think again about Buffy. I know they think my loyalty to them is only because of their threat to re-infect me with that energy, but they're wrong. If the people I'm working for get any idea that Buffy's the same as Spike, she'll end up being treated exactly as they did him. And I'm not going to allow that to happen. It's difficult, I'm not saying it isn't. In the military, your loyalty is to the service. There's no other way. But, I've already defied orders because of Buffy, and I'm ready to do it again. Whatever she is, she seems exactly as she was before, except for the being pregnant bit. Even the liking for demons isn't new.

Then there's the other thing. There were more demons than humans in the group that set me free. They were helping me, and they weren't human, and they knew what I thought about demons. It feels like my world's been turned upside down, and I'm just holding onto one thing, one person. Buffy. 

So, I carry on reading, finding out what I can. Dawson's going to have to wait though. She might be my priority, but I can't rush things. If I'm too keen to find out about her, it'll blow my cover completely. So, I'll take it one step at a time, and try to make sure that my true loyalties aren't discovered. It's not that I'm scared what'll happen to me. I've already lost everything that's important to me. No, what's important now is Buffy and the child she's carrying. Even if I'd gladly strangle the child's father, there's nothing else I can do.

The thing about Spike is that I started hating him because he was a demon. Simple. Then, I hated him even more because Buffy seemed to care about him in some way. It wasn't a lot, not at first, she just seemed to be determined that he didn't get dusted. Then I got to know him. And now? I reckon I'd hate him if he was human and had never met Buffy Summers. For a start, he's just .. not American. I mean, he doesn't respect the things I do. He's rude, and he doesn't care about following rules. He's exactly the sort of guy I've hated since I was in grade school. And the funny thing is, I think he hates me for the exact opposite reasons.


	29. Chapter 29 News and a Warning

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Thanks to everyone who's reviewed this, but a particular thank you to Aeryn for being the most frequent of late. If anyone wants to be notified when I update, you can add me to your Author Alert list as I pay for support services. Alternatively, I've got an update list at my site, and you'll get the address from my profile page. 

Thanks for reading so far, and I hope you'll enjoy this chapter.

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Chapter 29 - News and a Warning

Riley's suggestion hasn't gone down well. It's all very well to try to hide the fact that I'm pregnant, but it's not going to work much longer anyway. And as for them not knowing that Spike's the father, well, I can't see how that's going to work either. They must've realised we were together when they visited before. And we're not living apart. Apart from anything else, together we're stronger. Apart, we're both vulnerable. So, we're going to take a few precautions, but otherwise, continue as before.

I had to argue the point, of course. Giles, well I expected him to object, but I hadn't thought Spike would. I listened to his arguments, and it was so obvious that his heart wasn't in them. It was breaking his heart to suggest that we should be apart for a while, but he did it anyway, for me and for the baby. 

So, we compromised. We're back at Revello Drive on a permanent basis. Willow and Jenna are here too, for now. I can't really see how it makes any difference, but Giles seemed to think it was less obvious than us staying at Spike's. And, we're going to avoid doing baby-related things openly. 

Despite everything, I'm happy. The things I felt when I first knew about the baby - the awe and wonder of it all - have returned, at an even higher intensity, since Spike got back. I'm seeing it through his eyes. As the Slayer, I'd kind of been persuaded that I'd never be a mother. And, the truth is, I just never thought I'd live long enough for it to be something I'd even miss. I mean, at sixteen, I couldn't imagine my life without Angel, but the knowledge that we couldn't have children didn't seem like a biggy. And, I've got to admit, that even now, the thought of imminent motherhood hadn't occurred to me until it was going to happen anyway. 

But, seeing it through Spike's eyes - it's been amazing. Understandable, though. I mean, if parenthood wasn't exactly on my agenda, it definitely wasn't on his. A hundred years of knowing that it wasn't a possibility, and suddenly, it is. He's been amazing. It's funny. I mean, I know he grew up a long time ago, that his influences were of another time, but it's the first time it's been obvious. He's been trying hard to bring together the attitudes of his early life with those appropriate to now. I'm seeing a Victorian gentleman peeking through the big bad exterior and it makes me smile. It also makes me love him more than I already did.

I mean, I know, that in his time, men didn't get involved in pregnancy, well not after the start, anyway. I've had to make it clear that I want him involved in every aspect of the pregnancy. When he realised that, I could see the relief on his face. It's as if he was expecting to be excluded, while that was the last thing he wanted.

So, today I've got a doctor's office appointment. In order to make it seem like we're being sensible, we're going separately. I'm going underground, via the tunnels, and so is Spike, but he's going by way of Clem's, so we can hopefully throw anyone watching us off the scent. 

I arrive from underground. It's obvious that Dr. Chan has other patients for whom sunshine is an issue, because she's happy to offer an alternative entrance from the tunnels below. I arrive at the designated doorway, and ring the doorbell, identifying myself to the receptionist. She buzzes me in, and I climb the stairs to ground level. 

Once there, I glance around the waiting room, but I already know he's there, sitting nervously in a corner. Not that anyone else would know he's nervous. To the world he's the big bad he's always been, dressed in black, looking threatening. I sit beside him, and his arm slips around my waist, pulling me closer to him. As always, it's like coming home, like I'm only complete when I'm in contact with him.

We don't wait long. Within a couple of minutes of my arrival, we're called in to see the doctor.

"I'm so glad you could come this time," she gushes. "It's so important to get fathers involved early in the pregnancy. The old idea that they should be kept away isn't good for the children or the relationship."

Spike just nods, her words are so close to his own insecurities on the subject, and I can see he's itching to tell her to shut up. 

He looks so young. Young and scared. Now that's funny considering he's got a century on me, but that's how it seems. He's on edge, but that's just because he feels so out of place. I guess it's a big step for him. 

Spike sits to one side while I'm prodded and checked over. Then there's the bit we've both been looking forward to - the ultrasound scan. I was looking forward to it anyway, but right now, I really need to empty my bladder, so it can't come quickly enough. It seems like I've spent the past few hours drinking water, because of the warning that it would allow the scan to give more information.

Dr. Chan mutters to herself, doing some measurements, and eventually prints a copy for us. As soon as she says she's finished, I'm off the bed at full Slayer speed, heading for the toilet.

When I return, Spike's sitting at Dr. Chan's desk, and the doctor's making some notes. I sit beside Spike, and his hand immediately finds its way to hold mine.

"Ok, everything looks fine on the scan, there's no problem that I can see. However, there's one discrepancy that you might be able to help me with."

We both tense, waiting for whatever she's going to add.

"When you visited last time, you gave me your estimated date of conception. Now, when I examined you then, I thought it may have been a little inaccurate, but I decided not to worry you with that. Tell me, how confident are you of that date?"

"Very," I answer, squeezing Spike's hand as I speak.

"Why, what's wrong?" he demands.

"Nothing's wrong," she says, reassuringly. "It's just that, compared with my initial examination, the baby has grown much more than I'd have expected. From the date you gave me, I'd estimate the pregnancy to be about ten weeks, but from my examination today, I'd say it's significantly more advanced - maybe sixteen weeks?"

"Oh," I hear myself say.

"Are there some special circumstances I should know about?" she asks.

"Well, just the usual for this town," I reply, trying not to be too specific. I didn't go into details about Spike's or my rather unusual status when I visited before, even though Anya reassured me that Dr. Chan was comfortable with treating the not-completely-human. And then there's the Defenders to consider. You never know, Dr. Chan might be under surveillance if she's known to treat non-humans. 

"I see, yes," she replies. "Well, I do see some rather unusual things since I started to practise here. I'd like to monitor you a little more closely than I'd usually recommend. It's probably just an accelerated pregnancy, and the child will be completely normal, but I'd still like to keep an eye on you. Certainly so far, there's nothing remarkable about the baby except his growth rate."

"I don't seem to be getting too big," I comment, running my hand over my stomach which is only slightly swollen.

"No, you're not. I suspect you've got good muscle tone, and that you won't be as big as some women I see."

"His?" I ask, realising what it was that was causing a niggling worry in my head.

She looks confused by my reaction for a moment. "Oh, I said his? I always do. It's just habit, I assure you. I've no idea of the sex of the child - he was just lying at the wrong angle for me to have any real opinion on that subject. Is it important that you know?"

I sigh in relief. "No, it's just that I think it's a girl."

"Do you now?" she replies, her voice implying tolerance. "Well, time will tell."

We leave the office separately, a few minutes apart. Spike's going to pick up his car, and he's going to meet me close to the doctor's so we can go shopping. I'm not too big yet, surprisingly so from what Dr. Chan has said, but I'm no longer comfortable in the clothes that I usually wore tight - which actually means most of my wardrobe. I need to buy some alternative clothes for work, and I'm feeling the need for something a little bit special.

As shopping trips go, it wasn't a biggy. We agreed to shop for baby online so that we can choose together without it being too obvious. I managed to find enough to eke out my wardrobe, and then I fell in love again. The object of my desire this time was a pair of pants in a satiny material. They'd have caught my eye even if I wasn't pregnant, but they have some built in advantages. They came from a store which specialises in imports from India, and they're in that sort of style. The waist is actually very adjustable, and although the pants are very long, they fasten around my ankles with velcro, and the overall effect is very flattering, and it should continue to fit even if I put on a lot of inches around the waist. I spotted a halter top in another store, which is a very similar red, but slightly lacy, and it's going to look so great with them. I just hope that I don't get too much bigger in that area, or halter tops might not be a good idea any more. 

Sweats will do for Slaying. That's assuming I'm actually allowed to do some in the first place. I still go on patrol, but Spike's made it clear he doesn't feel comfortable with letting me handle things. In some ways it's sweet, and I'm glad he cares, but in others, I feel like I'm being retired. I know it's only temporary, and there was a time when I'd have been so relieved to have someone willing and able to take over that side of my life, but it's something I love sharing with Spike. Patrolling with him isn't the chore it seemed when I carried all the responsibility. Still, I know he's right. Our first priority has to be Zara, so I'll watch while he slays, and I'll even put up with having Willow or Jenna along on patrol most of the time, just so long as we can have some time alone afterwards.

Willow's amazing. You just wouldn't know she's blind. She says she actually forgets herself sometimes because she can get so much more information about the world with her new sight than she could with the old, mundane one. She still needs a spell to allow her to read, but she and Jenna have adapted the original one so that it works online and for the TV too. So, all in all, she's not actually missing out on much.

She can actually feel an approaching demon faster than I can now. In fact, she's almost back to the Willow I remember from when we first started college. She's confident, but there's none of the darkness about her any more. Well, except .. There was something. When Giles described what Riley told him about when he was released from the constraints Jenna had put on him, there was something. I don't know if anyone else noticed. Spike was sleeping at the time, so he didn't pick anything up. It wasn't something on her face, just a wave of .. I don't know, it could have been fear, but if it was, it was there and gone so quickly I can't be sure. I tried to ask her later, but she denied it happened. I almost got the impression that whatever it was, it wasn't even a conscious reaction.

As we turn to leave the store, having just paid for my new top, Spike suddenly stiffens. I feel an overwhelming deluge of emotions coming from him, and follow the line of his sight to a woman in the distance. Of course, I know who she is, and I understand Spike's reaction. She smiles once she knows she has our attention, then mouths something towards us. I've never been much good at lip-reading, but this was unmistakable.

"Be seeing you!"

It was Dawson, and the expression on her face was one of pure hatred aimed at Spike. I tense, getting ready to chase her, but Spike holds me back, shaking his head. I glance at him, then back to where she was, but I've already lost her in the crowd. She knew she was safe in a busy place like this. She's out to get him, that much is obvious. It makes me feel sick to know that someone like that exists, and even worse to realise that she's human. For so long I slayed demons in the rather simplistic belief that they were evil, and humans were good. Now I know different. Sure, there are evil demons, maybe even the vast majority of them in this world are evil, but there are some who just want the same things as humans. They want to live, to work, to love, to bring up their young. And there are humans who want to hurt, and Dawson's one of them. 

I remove my arm from Spike's only to snake it around his waist, pulling him to me as I scan the crowds in a vain attempt to find her again. She can be as confident as she likes, but there's no way she's getting her hands on Spike again. She's never tangled with a Slayer before, and if she comes anywhere near him again, she'll regret it.


	30. Chapter 30 The Lull Before the Storm

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Chapter 30 - The Lull Before the Storm

The vibes Buffy and Spike were giving off when they got back that day were pretty heavy. Spike was obviously terrified, and Buffy was furious. Despite that, Spike seemed, on the outside at least, just a bit psyched. Buffy's emotional state was more obvious to anyone who saw her - she just wanted revenge. If there had been some way she could get to Dawson that day, I don't think anyone'd have been able to stop her. 

Well, maybe one thing. She obviously knew how Spike was feeling - maybe even better than I did. She marched him upstairs for some quiet time, and whatever she did, it seemed to work. I'm not saying it was instant, but gradually, the level of fear and agitation I could sense dissipated.

The next few weeks were quiet. Spike seemed relaxed, and everything on the Slaying front seemed quiet. Buffy's bump seemed to be growing noticeably, and Spike was just so pleased as it became more obvious.

Dr. Chan seemed sure that Buffy's pregnancy was going normally, except for the timing. Her latest estimate was that the baby should arrive in about six weeks, and the house was gradually filling with the things for the baby, and we were all getting wrapped up in the idea.

It's funny. I mean, the scoobs have been my family since High School. Mom and Dad, they're there, I mean, they make sure I don't want for anything, but, I'm closer to my friends. This baby is already part of the gang, and she would be, even if we didn't already know her.

Giles is so cute. It's like he's going to be a grandfather. He's so careful about Buffy - making sure she's not taking any chances, and he's completely changed her training. He's been reading books on exercise in pregnancy, and he's been adapting their recommendations to Buffy's, well, special abilities. Of course, even that wasn't good enough for Spike. He's taken each suggestion along to Dr. Chan and had her ok it before he's agreed.

Buffy's coped really well too. She's never been one to give up control, but she's listening to Spike more than I ever thought she would. I think she's actually enjoying the attention, but I also think she's doing it to keep Spike involved in everything. I think his reaction to Dawson freaked her. It's understandable, I suppose. I mean, whatever Spike's been, he's never been a coward. Even back in the days when he wanted to kill us all, he wasn't scared to take risks. I'd even say that it was the risk that gave him a buzz.

I'm sitting at the Magic Box research table on a Tuesday morning. I'm actually sorting out some things for Anya, because there's no really urgent research on at the moment. I've been working here fairly regularly lately. I've got to wait for a few months before I can get back into school, and I've been glad of something to do.

While I'm working, I'm thinking through what Jenna told me last night. She's planning to go home, and Giles had agreed that she should. She hasn't set a date yet, but she wanted to give me some warning.

My first reaction was, well, I was kinda nervous. I mean, knowing she's there, it's been a crutch for me. I knew she'd be able to spot if I was going bad again, and maybe she'd be able to stop me. The prospect of being without her, well, it's scary. But, it's also kinda good. I mean, it means she trusts me.

The phone rings, and Anya excuses herself from a customer. who's been dithering between two versions of the same fertility statue for twenty minutes, to answer it. She's obviously been itching for an excuse to get away from her for half that time, sensing that she's not actually going to be spending any money today.

"The Magic Box, where all your Magical needs are met," she chirps into the handset.

A moment later she continues. "No, she's not here, is it urgent?"

There's a long gap then, as Anya listens intently, but it's obvious she doesn't like what she hears, as her agitation increases steadily throughout the call.

"I see, yes, I expect to see her later, so I'll tell her. Is there a number where she can reach you?"

"Thanks, I'm sure she'll be glad to hear that."

When Anya has broken the connection, I approach her.

"What's up?" I ask, concerned at the worry I now feel emanating from Anya.

"That was Dr. Chan," she starts. "Apparently, her office was closed down this morning. Some men, they claimed to be police, marched in, ordered her and the rest of the staff off the premises, and told her there was to be an investigation into her qualifications. She qualified in Britain, and she's got all the permits and licences she needs to practise here, but they didn't believe her. She hasn't got any access even to her own files. That's why she called here. Apparently, before she was removed from the building, one of the men seemed particularly interested in finding Buffy's file. Without her files, she doesn't have Buffy's phone number, but she did remember that I'd recommended her, and that I worked here, and she wanted to warn Buffy. She's also left her own number, and offered to come and continue treating Buffy at home if she wants. She's quite a good customer, actually. More into meditation aids than anything else, she says it helps more during labour than some drugs."

"The Defenders?" I ask, changing the subject back to the problem.

"Sounds like it," she replies, picking up the phone and dialling. 

Ten minutes later, Giles, Xander, Buffy and Spike all know what's happened. After so many weeks without an obvious threat, I think we were all starting to relax. We set up a meeting at the store for after everyone's finished work, although it's hard to see what a meeting's going to do. We're already pretty sure that the Defenders are behind this. If they've got hold of Buffy's records, then they know she's pregnant, and they also know about the peculiarities of that pregnancy. There're probably also blood test results in her file, and we don't know what they might be able to read into those.

When we're all together later, the mood's a strange mixture of resignation, irritation, and an undercurrent of abject terror. That's coming mainly from Spike, but, like before, it's not obvious on the outside. To the others, he's just quiet, not making his usual wisecracks.

We go over the facts again, making sure everyone is aware of the danger.

"We must assume," Giles summarises, "that the Defenders know about the child, and there's a good chance that they know that Spike's the father. They may even know about Buffy's new status. Given what we know about their plans, we've got to assume that they will want to capture Buffy."

"We know that, Watcher," Spike growls. "Question is, what're we going to do about it? Has Finn come up with anything on Dawson yet? Can't help but think he's been bloody useless so far."

"Well, no," Giles mumbles. It's obvious that he's torn between agreeing with Spike and wanting to stand up for Riley. "I understand that he's having to be careful. He can hardly just walk in and ask about her without being suspicious."

Spike humphs at that, and even Xander doesn't look completely convinced.

"So, precautions?" Giles continues.

"We've got to make sure Buffy's not alone," Spike states. "While she's at work, that's ok, I'll be there too, but I don't know how long that'll go on. You should start taking things a bit easier, Pet." He turns to Buffy as he says that last bit. I miss a lot of it, but I get the feeling they do a lot of their communication without words. I don't mean they're in each other's heads, just that they can read how the other one's feeling.

"Ok," Buffy agrees rather hesitantly. "The not being alone bit, anyway. As far as work's concerned, I'm feeling fine, and it's not as if it's physically demanding. But, remember, that's where they caught up with you. So, we're going to **both** start being careful, especially when the kids have gone home. Not that I think that'd stop them. I mean, they just walked in and took over a doctor's office in broad daylight. What's to stop them arresting us on trumped up charges and then making us disappear."

"There's nothing to suggest that Spike's in any particular danger," Giles states.

"Except what Dawson said last time we saw her. She wants him back, and if she hasn't made a move yet, it's only because it hasn't suited some other purpose of hers, or the people she works for."

I feel it clearly that time. It doesn't last long, just a black chill that sweeps over Spike at the memory of Dawson. Buffy feels it too, because she instantly moves closer to him, squeezing his hand a little tighter.

"What else can we do?" Giles asks.

"I've got a new protection spell I can try, I suggest. Jenna and I worked it out a couple of days ago, putting together the best parts of all the protection spells we know, but we haven't had a chance to try it yet. It should be stronger than anything I've used before. And I'll do my best to stay close to Buffy. At least, I should be able to pick up on aggressive vibes as they approach."

Giles, Anya and Xander chat back and forth for a bit, but they're not actually adding anything to what we've decided. I stop listening, just letting my mind wander around them, feeling a part of what they're feeling, and I'm so glad these people are my friends. Even Spike. It's funny. At first, I had reservations about Anya, but now, well, she's one of the gang. And Spike? Him too. And the reservations I had about him were super-sized. But he loves Buffy so much, how could he not be part of the gang? That's what brought us together. Slaying demons, sure, but it was slaying demons with Buffy that kept us together. We've faced a lot over the years, and I'd be lying if I said this didn't scare me, but we'll do it. We'll keep Buffy safe, and we'll see Dawn/Zara again. And I'm going to be an honorary auntie!

I'm just thinking about what it's going to be like, having a baby in the house, helping to take care of her, when it's as if there's a dark shadow over everything. You know, the way a sudden storm can darken the sky in summer. And then I realise I've lost it. I can't feel my friends any more. Their emotions are as closed off to me as they always were before, and through the darkness as I peer at them, I slowly see them. They're blurred and indistinct, but I recognise the shapes and contours of the people closest to me. 

It's been so long that it takes several seconds for me to realise what's happened. I'm no longer seeing my friends with my magical vision. I'm seeing them with my eyes. And while that's cause for celebration, I can't help but wonder what's happened to that other sight. And then I know. Something is walking in the door, and I recognise it. It's the creature that forced me to try to kill Dawn. It said then that it's a sink for magic, and that's what it's done - it's taken my power from me. Things I'd forgotten about that day come back instantly as he approaches.

The others notice him now, too. Behind him are several armed men, guns pointed at us. I make an attempt to raise some sort of shield between us, but I know before I do it that it'll fail. I'm aware of Jenna trying something too, but, like me, she fails. Spike jumps to his feet, pushing Buffy behind him, and he's immediately joined by Giles and Xander. Somewhere in the background, I realise that Anya's teleported away.

It's a stand off. The men say nothing, and there's nothing the rest of us can do against armed men. They're obviously waiting for something, and then the door opens again.

A woman walks in. She doesn't look exceptional in any way, but the effect she has on two of our group is obvious. I don't need to be able to feel Spike's emotions to know that this is Dawson. It's written in every line of his body, as my eyes struggle to take in the detail around me. She smiles at us as she approaches, walking around her men so that she has a direct line of sight to the rest of us.

"Well, Hostile, 17," she purrs. "I told you I'd see you soon. It really was so rude of you to run off before. There were **so** many things I wanted to do to you. You're a spoilsport, you know that?"

She turns her gaze towards Buffy.

"And you, Miss Summers. You really had us fooled, you know? I mean, we knew you were pregnant, but, well, our tests showed us that he couldn't father a child with a human, so it just didn't occur to us that it was his. From what Finn told us about him, we thought he'd just decided to step in and take advantage of the situation since you'd been dumped by the child's father. And then we saw the blood tests at Dr. Chan's. It's only a slight difference, of course, but since we'd already done a full work up on 17, it didn't take a lot to realise that you were the same. You're no more human than he is. And, I'm going to have so much fun watching this pregnancy continue, and then fully investigating the spawn you're carrying. It's a truly unique opportunity, you know."

"Just a minute," Giles begins, looking at Jenna and me, and obviously wondering why we're not doing anything. I shake my head in his direction, and Jenna does the same.

"Oh, are you wondering what's happened to your witches? Well, my friend here," she gesticulates to the demon she has with her, "has the ability to soak up magical power. They can't do anything. And, neither can you, because my men have orders to shoot the Slayer. She might not die, but the spawn would be at risk, now wouldn't it? So, be a good little Englishman, and keep out of this."

"Let's go," she orders, and two of the men approach Spike and Buffy, going around behind them, pushing at them with the barrels of their guns.

There's absolutely nothing we can do as we watch them leave. As soon as the door closes behind them, we move as one, heading towards the door, only to see them being loaded into the back of a nondescript van. Dawson smiles back at us. I really want to wipe that smile off her face.

As the van drives away, Giles and Xander start to move towards Xander's car, when Anya reappears in front of them.

"Let me," she says. "I can follow them without being seen, and I'll let you know where they take them. It's safer this way."

They nod their heads, recognising the truth of what she says, and with a satisfied nod, she disappears again, teleporting off into the distance somewhere, leaving the rest of us to stay behind and try to come up with a way out of this.


	31. Chapter 31 Captured

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Chapter 31 - Captured

On the way out to the van, I kept trying to put myself between Buffy and those guns, but there were too many. They load us into the van, pushing us in, not caring that Buffy is pregnant, and she sprawls on the floor in a way that would never have happened if she hadn't got the extra weight throwing her off-balance. 

I'm torn between terror at what's going to happen, and fury at the way they're treating her, and I'm working hard to concentrate on the fury because I know that if I give way to the terror, I'll be useless.

Two armed men follow us into the back of the van, then Dawson climbs in behind. She's still grinning, looking so pleased with herself. I notice that she's doing her best to keep the armed men between her and us, but she looks confident enough.

As I hear the engine start, she fishes into her pocket and pulls out a small recording device. I instinctively know that it contains the sounds that will cause me to collapse in agony, and I can feel the terror threatening to break through.

"Ah, he knows what I have here," Dawson purrs. "Do you understand the significance of this?" she asks Buffy, waving the device in front of her face, her finger never leaving the button.

"I can imagine," Buffy murmurs, and I feel the waves of anger coming from her at the way I'm being threatened. "It's the thing you use to hurt him, because you know you could never hurt him without it."

The total disdain in Buffy's voice makes her sound so cold, but I know that white-hot anger is running through her, and that's it's only cast iron control that's stopping her from acting.

I know what's coming, what they plan, or at least I can imagine it, and I know that we've run out of options. For my sake, but also for Buffy's and Zara's, we have no choice other than to do something. Two armed men and Dawson, we're probably not going to have better odds than this again.

I'm moving slowly, doing my best to put myself between Buffy and the guns, and praying that she knows what I'm doing. It's going to be up to her to make sure that Dawson either doesn't get the chance to switch on that device, or to stop it bloody fast, 'cos I won't be able to.

She's giving no sign of recognition that I can see, but that's what I want. Total surprise. I'm doing my best to look like I've stopped thinking clearly, that the threat has all but made me useless already. I'm let my shoulders slump, and I'm not meeting her eyes. Not that that's difficult, the sight of that bloody thing is enough to do that anyway.

This is it, one more shuffle, and I'll be close. I know there's almost no chance of success, but I've got to do it, for them. I'm on the verge of moving, when I hear it. The van stops, and I can hear arguing from outside. Never one to look a gift-horse in the mouth, I take the opportunity while everyone's attention has wandered.

The next few seconds are a blur of pain. I throw myself at the armed men, taking several bullets in the process, and an instant later, that noise starts again, and with it the agony in my head. For a couple of seconds, I actually feel relief that I can no longer feel the pain from my wounds, but then the other pain reaches levels where thought is almost impossible. I fill my mind with visions of Buffy and our daughter, and I continue my assault on the men, pummelling and punching, albeit with more strength than co-ordination, acting purely on instinct. I feel the pain in my head increasing, becoming more and more unbearable, and I know that consciousness will soon be gone. I hope Buffy has Dawson under control.

*-*-*

I watch with dismay as I see Spike slump at the sight of that recorder. I know what it is, and I understand Spike's reaction. It takes me a second or two to realise that the feelings he's giving off don't match his physical reaction. He's not as dejected as his body language is implying. And he's moving, well, more shuffling towards the guns. He's going to attack the ones he can affect, and it's going to be up to me to sort Dawson. Ok, just what I wanted to do anyway.

I'm struggling to keep talking to Dawson. She's using a conversation with me to add to Spike's apprehension at what's to come. I don't even know if what I'm saying is making any sense, because I'm concentrating on Spike, hoping to catch some sign of when he decides to act.

I'm surprised when the van comes to a sudden stop, and I hear raised voices from outside. I don't know what's happened, and, by the look of it, neither does Dawson, but while she's distracted, Spike makes his move.

He moves quickly, but I immediately hear gunfire. I ignore it, turning instead to Dawson. One glance and it's obvious she hadn't planned on this. She thought she'd broken Spike so completely that he wouldn't be able to do anything.

Even so, I'm not quick enough, and the air fills with a noise. In itself, it's not exactly musical, but it's not unpleasant either, but I know what its purpose is. My instinct is to turn around and see what's happening to Spike, but I fight it and lunge at Dawson instead. She's faster than I'd have thought, and she evades my first attempt. I lunge again, and realise that the gunfire has stopped. That either means that Spike's been stopped, or that he's incapacitated the guards, but again, I don't dare look around to see. On my second attempt, I manage to knock the recorder out of Dawson's hands, and it skitters along the floor out of reach. I scramble for it, switching it off, and see Spike lying on top of the two men, sprawled, not moving. I'm scared for him, but I've got to accept that he knew what he was doing, and that he did it for Zara.

I know time's against us, as the noise of the scuffle must have filtered through to outside by now, so I've got to finish this, and now. I throw myself at Dawson, who's looking part scared, part hopeful. She knows help's on the way, but this time, I put everything I've got into the kick I aim at her, and she falls, hitting her head on the side of the van before slumping, unconscious, to the floor.

I rush to Spike, and pick him up. There've been times when Slayer strength wasn't welcome, but this isn't one of them. I kick open the back of the van, and jump out, ready to run.

To my surprise, I'm met with Riley. He's pointing a gun at me, but there's something about his face that says 'Trust me', and when I look around to see a barrage of armed men I realise I have no choice. 

He barks an order I don't hear to one of the men who goes into the van and comes out carrying Dawson. He then points towards another van, and I walk, carrying Spike, towards it. For an instant, I thought I saw Anya in the crowd, but it was so fast, I think I may have imagined it.

I hear another barked order, this time a 'Stand down', as I lift Spike into the back of the other van. A moment later, Dawson's inert form is dumped on the floor beside me, then Riley gets in, with another man whose face I recognise, but can't immediately place. 

I feel betrayed. He asked me, begged me, with his eyes, to trust him, but ..

I ignore them. I'm holding Spike in my arms, checking him first for wounds. He's taken eight, four in his chest, two in his right leg and one in his left, with another grazing his cheek. I look around, desperately searching for something to use to stem the blood flow, and I'm handed a piece of cloth. I glance up at the hand holding it, and see Riley, his jacket discarded, and his white, cotton t-shirt in his hand. I nod my thanks, and start to rip up the offering to make padding and rough bandages.

"We'll get someone to look at him when we arrive." 

Riley's voice barely makes it through my consciousness. I look up from what I'm doing. Ok, I admit it. I'm confused. He sounds like he cares.

"Don't pretend you're interested," I mutter, under my breath, while I go back to my work. 

I ignore him after that, although Riley and the other man are talking quietly, mainly about Dawson.

"She's hurt pretty bad," is the opinion of the other man. I've been wracking my brain since I saw him, trying to work out where I've seen him before. It's the connection with Dawson that does it, that's when I saw him before. He came looking for Riley, and she was there too. What was his name? Westgate, that was it, Simon Westgate. 

When I've finished, I pull Spike's upper body into my lap, holding him tight as I sit against the side of the van. When they realise they've got my attention again, Riley squats beside me, trying to make eye contact. 

"What?" I ask angrily. I'd actually believed he was on our side.

"Buffy, it's going to be ok," he promises. 

"Oh, so you're going to take us home, and take that .. woman .. away to pay for what she's done to him?"

"Not exactly," he admits. "But, you've got to believe I don't mean you, either of you, any harm. Simon too. We just want to take you somewhere you'll be safe for a while. There're things you don't know, important things, things we've only discovered recently. I haven't been able to tell Giles everything, because we didn't want you giving anything away, but .."

"That's rich," I tell him. "You didn't want us giving anything away? You mean you just wanted to make sure we didn't get away."

I turn away from him then, because if I don't, I know I'll hit him, and at the moment, that won't do any good at all.

"I'll talk to you when you've calmed down a bit," he promises.

I really don't know what we've got to talk about, but right now, I'm more concerned about Spike. I remember the recorder in my pocket, and almost wish I hadn't brought it. It's a weapon that can be used against Spike, and that makes him more vulnerable. On the other hand, if I can get Willow to analyse it, maybe we can find some way to erase the effect it has on him. I'm torn between putting my hand in my pocket and just squeezing the thing until it's a useless pile of electronics, and ignoring it and hoping for the best. Of course, it's only a copy, and destroying it won't stop them from using another recording, so I decide to keep it, for now.

My mind goes back to when I thought I saw Anya. Could she be following us? Teleporting from place to place to keep track of us? I hope so, because with Spike in this state, we're in no position to consider another escape attempt without help.

I concentrate on Spike, feeling my love for him, hoping he can sense it, in the desperate hope that he'll be healed by it, at least until I can get hold of something sharp so I can give him some blood.

Riley's watching me, I can feel it without looking at him, but when I do glance up, I'm surprised at what I see. I don't see the face of self-congratulation that I expect. I see a face full of doubt and regret and not a little, well, not fear, but wariness. There's more going on here than I know about, but my first priority is Spike, so I go back to him, doing my best to show him with thought and touch that I'm here, and that I love him and need him like I never thought I'd need anyone. 


	32. Chapter 32 A Gilded Cage

**__**

Two for Joy

Chapter 32 - A Gilded Cage

I suppose, from her point of view, it does look bad. It still hurts, though. It hurts to see the hatred in her eyes. Except in dreams, I've long ago given up the idea of seeing love in her eyes, but it's still hard to accept the opposite.

Seeing her with him like this, it's .. beautiful - in a way that's hard to describe. Her love for him is complete and total. It's what I once though her incapable of giving. It's what I once dreamed she would give me.

Westgate's watching me. The funny thing is, that he doesn't completely trust me either. 

I met him during my induction to the Defenders. He didn't tell me much about himself, but I left that interview feeling like I didn't have many secrets from him. 

As soon as I could, I started to find out what I could about Dawson. It wasn't easy, not at first, but after a while, I found that she wasn't popular. People didn't want to talk about her, until they knew I could be trusted. Things .. happen to people who get in her way. Nothing's ever been proved, but there's enough circumstantial evidence to at least raise questions.

Then there's her background. Her rise through the ranks has been nothing short of meteoric. And I can't find any record of her qualifications. Yet, what she's been credited with - it's cutting edge stuff. 

I watched, and I listened. I had an advantage, of course, because I had Giles' information too. The more I found out about her, the clearer it became to me that she wasn't what she seemed. To get to where she was, she had to have had help. And what I knew about her dealings with Spike didn't gel with what I knew about the Defenders.

What I didn't realise was, that careful as I was, I wasn't careful enough. Westgate got wind of what I was doing, and he arranged a secret meeting with me. When it became obvious that he'd been looking into Dawson's actions too, I decided to tell him what I knew, and what I'd surmised. The details of what she'd done to Spike were news to him. The cloning thing, that was official policy. But officially, Spike was just supposed to be held in case further samples were needed. The rest of it was improvisation from her. Then, there was Giles' theory about followers of Blar, which ties in too well with the suggestion that Dawson has somehow split loyalties. Westgate believed me more quickly than I'd have expected too. He'd already suspected what he called 'subT infiltration'. I guess there were just too many question marks around her.

That was a couple of weeks ago. I had to promise not to discuss Westgate with Giles or anyone. I knew that any leaks would result in no further information from Westgate. And, I never knew when his co-operation might be vital. Then, this morning, he came to me. He'd heard about Dawson's plans. He wanted to set up an alternative operation, and asked if I wanted in on it. He hoped that, if Buffy saw me, she might go along with him without a fight. 

I thought about it, but there wasn't a lot of time. In the end, I knew it was my only chance of keeping them out of Dawson's clutches, so I agreed.

The counter-measure was set up quickly, but Dawson hadn't been expecting an attack from within the Defenders. All her defences were aimed against the witches and Spike. I'm not sure even now exactly how she got past Willow.

The plan is just to keep them safe. There's no suggestion that we're going to release them. All this intervention does is keep them away from Dawson. Westgate's too convinced of their value to the project to just open the door, but he's promised me that they'll be well treated and safe, at least until the baby's born, and that was the best I could do. I can't see Buffy thinking I've done her a favour, though.

When we arrive at our destination, a cave about ten miles out of Sunnydale, we drive inside. Once inside, the van is taken underground by a hydraulic system. This base is so secret, it almost doesn't exist. Dawson certainly shouldn't know about it, and it's been made clear to me that I'm as much a captive here as Buffy is until Westgate's been convinced of my loyalty.

We're taken deep underground, and brought to a medical facility to rival any in the world. A team was waiting for our arrival, and Spike is whisked into an emergency room while Buffy and I are kept outside by a security detail. Dawson's also spirited away, but I don't really care where. So, we watch through a transparent panel while Spike's wounds are tended. When that is complete, he's wheeled along a corridor, and into another lift with Buffy and me following closely. We travel deeper still, and are then taken to what are described as our quarters. 

I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't this. The room given to Buffy and Spike would rival most good hotels. It's large, spacious, has two beds and a comfortable seating area with TV and a music system. Spike is transferred to one of the beds, then the medical attendants leave, while I'm told by the security staff that my room is next door. I follow, reluctantly, wanting to be there for Buffy, but I'm informed that there's an interconnecting door between the two rooms. 

"Open it, Buffy, please. I want to explain," I plead as I leave. She gives no sign that she's heard.

Once I'm locked in my own five-star cell, I quickly open my half of the interconnecting door. I'm not surprised to note that the other half is still locked.

I lie on one of the beds to try to think. My mind's in turmoil, and I'm feeling a strange mixture of guilt at what I've done, and relief that they're safe. Then there's revulsion at what Buffy has become. I'm torn between an irrational fear of her, and a fear for her safety. Despite my instinctive fear of her, she's never done me any harm. Ok, she broke my heart, but if what I understand is true, she was human then.

The news that I've been conditioned to feel like this about non-humans has made me angry. I didn't believe it when Giles told me. I mean, what I feel is what I feel. But, once I'd recovered from the initial shock, I just knew that it was true. It's my first priority, if we get out of this, to get that checked out, and reversed if I can. I want to be able to trust what I feel.

I'm not happy with how things turned out, but I think I did the right thing - certainly the only thing I could think of to ensure that they both, or perhaps even all three of them, survive. If I'd had more warning, then maybe .. but maybe doesn't do any good.

I must have dozed, because I'm wakened by an unfamiliar sound. I sit up quickly, and notice that the interconnecting door is open, and Buffy's peering through. I swing my legs over the edge of the bed, and wait for her to say something. There's always the possibility that she only opened the door so she could beat me up.

"Why?" she asks.

I get up and walk towards her. It's not obvious what she's asking about, but I take a guess.

"Would you rather be with Dawson?" I ask.

"No, but .."

"That's the choice I had. I could either let Dawson have you, or I could help bring you here. It's not good, I know that, but it's better than the alternative."

She doesn't answer, so I speak again. "How's he doing?"

She nods. "Better, I think. I gave him some blood, but .."

"You what?" I notice for the first time the makeshift bandage around her wrist.

"I gave him some blood. Last time Dawson did this to him, it brought him back. This time, well, it hasn't, at least, not yet."

"I know you heal better with blood, I read that in Spike's file. But, we could've got him some blood - human even - if you'd asked."

"There's blood in the fridge. I've given him some of that too, but mine's better," she replies, not meeting my eyes. "I can't give him too much of mine, because of the baby."

We don't speak for a while, and her hand runs up and down her swelling stomach. It seems to have grown visibly since the last time I saw her.

"How are you doing?" I ask.

"I'm fine, I just need Spike back."

She pulls herself up, steeling herself, before she speaks again.

"You said you'd explain, so explain," she demands.

I tell her what I know, about my belief that Dawson's somehow caught up in this group of Blar's. That the Defenders as a whole didn't know about what Dawson did to Spike.

"So where is she? Dawson?"

"She's going to be held here too," I tell her. "They're going to question her as soon as she's well enough. At least, if her head injury hasn't done permanent damage."

She shrugs. There was a time when the prospect that she'd hurt a human would've caused some grief, but there's no sign of it now. All she knows is that Dawson hurt someone she loves.

"So, how did Dawson get past Willow?"

It's the one thing I don't understand about what happened, and I know that if I get the information, Westgate will be more likely to trust me.

"She had a demon with her."

"Demon? What species?"

"I don't know. It looked a bit like Jacob and Rebecca, but bigger. We haven't found any records on their species, but Giles might come up with something. He's bound to be researching."

"So, what happened? I mean, demons are your thing, aren't they?"

"It seemed like magic just wouldn't work when it was there. Dawson, that's what she said. Once we were outside, I just didn't see it again. Don't know where it went."

"Oh," I manage. A demon that can stop magic from working, that's quite an ally. 

"I'm going back to Spike."

She walks into her own room, but without locking the door between us. She lies beside him, wrapping her arms around him as well as she can with the bump between them. I watch for a few seconds before I wrench my gaze away. I used to picture Buffy like that, swelling with my child. It's hard to see it now that it's Spike's. I return to my bed, and lie down to think.


	33. Chapter 33 On the Outside

****

Chapter 33 - On the Outside

I followed them for as long as I could. I know the van drove into a cave. I waited for a short while, then followed them in, but there was no sign of anyone. Teleporting's a great way to get around, but it has limitations. It doesn't work underground, and that's where I assume they went. With a sigh, I head back to the Magic Box.

I find everyone there in research mode. They're trying to find out about the demon Dawson had with her, but they look up expectantly when they see me.

"Where are they?" Giles asks what they all want to know.

"Well, I sort of know, but I can't go there."

"What do you mean? Is this some sort of rule or something, because, we've got to get them back." Xander sounds irritated, but I know he's just worried, so I try to ignore his tone.

"I mean I can't go there. I think they're underground. There's a cave, not far from here, and the van went inside. When I followed, the van was gone, so I assume there's some way to get underground. I could feel Buffy's need for vengeance, so she's not been spirited to another world. Wherever it is, it's well hidden and I can't teleport through rock."

Their faces all fall, and I don't understand, until I realise they don't know the whole story.

"Dawson's hurt," I add.

That got their attention pretty fast.

"How?" It's Giles this time.

"I don't know for sure. Spike and Buffy were in a van, and Dawson was there, with a couple of armed men. There was a lot of noise coming from the van - I assume they tried something, anyway, there was gunfire. There was a roadblock just outside town. It looked like more of the Defenders, but this time Riley was there. Buffy came out of the van then, carrying Spike. Looked like he'd been hurt pretty bad. Riley threatened Buffy with a gun, and she got into a different van, so I followed. They took Dawson too, and she looked like she'd gone ten rounds with Buffy, which I guess might have been the case."

"But Buffy was ok?" Xander jumps in.

"She looked it," I reassure him. 

"Wait," Giles says, holding up his hand. "You say Riley took them at gunpoint? Was there anyone else there?"

"Well, there were a lot of guns around, but only two of the men seemed significant - Riley and another man. Didn't recognise him. If you ask me, he was in charge. Riley had the gun, but I don't think he was giving the orders."

"I knew we couldn't trust him," shouts Xander. "He's betrayed all of us. He's betrayed Buffy."

"Maybe," Giles says slowly. "He hasn't given me a lot of information recently, but he did have the impression that what was done to Spike before was pretty much Dawson working alone. Maybe he got the chance to save Spike from more of Dawson's brand of torture. If that's the best he could do without giving away his true allegiance, then, maybe he's still with us."

"You don't know that," Xander accuses.

"No, I don't. But we don't know it's not true either. Now, I think the priorities have changed. We need to know more about where they're being held. Anya, can you show Willow where this cave is? And Willow, can you find out what you can about what's under it? Geological surveys or whatever there is on the net?"

I nod, and pull a map from one of the bookshelves close to the research table. It takes me a couple of minutes, but I find the area, and give Willow the map reference, then leave her to work her electronic, non-magical, magic. She's muttering something about that area, and something ringing a bell. I leave her to it.

Willow seems a little, I don't know, off? I remark on that to Xander, and he explains.

"When the demon came in, the one that killed magical energy, she lost her new sight. But, she says she wasn't blind, either. She said it was fuzzy, not much more than light and dark, but there was something. As soon as the magic came back, it went again. I think she's .. disappointed or something. I think she's just accepted that she wouldn't see again in the normal sense, and now she's not sure."

I got used to Xander's preoccupation with other women a while ago. I did worry about his feelings for Buffy, but, with Willow being gay, she didn't seem much of a threat, but in some ways, he worries more about Willow than anyone else - especially since the whole 'dark' phase she went through. In view of our slightly indefinite situation, I decide it'd be best if I don't hang around just now. I make my excuses, and go to see what's happening on the vengeance front. It's pretty routine, nothing to even make me think twice. 

When I went back to vengeance, I thought it would be just like before, that my time as a human wouldn't make any difference, but I was wrong. The first case I did, she was moving towards asking me to kill her boyfriend. It took a bit of quick talking on my part to come up with something that satisfied her, but didn't result in his death. I told myself at first that it just wasn't the right option for her, but it was more than that. I just can't bring myself to kill these humans.

D'Hoffryn was worried at first. He said I couldn't do the job if I had these 'human morals'. But, with a bit of imagination, I've managed to come up with wishes that really hurt the double-dealing, lying men they're aimed at, without doing anything lethal. Like the man who kept lying to his girlfriend - I just arranged that no one would ever believe him again. The effects of that wish have been surprisingly far-reaching - simple, but very effective. Even d'Hoffryn's pleased. 

When I go back to the Magic Box, Willow's showing the others what she's found. There is a huge area under that cave - inter-linked caverns that would be ideal for a secret base. She's also scanned the local paper archive, and she came across reports that suggested there was significant building work going on in the area. Some conservancy group complained that the work was interfering with the life-cycle of a rare orchid, but the whole protest went quiet too quickly, and there's no sign of whatever was built. It certainly has all the hallmarks of something Government instigated - particularly the fact that reports stopped rather abruptly and without any obvious conclusion.

Not that any of that helps us to get to them.

We're sitting and digesting what we've been told, when I hear a strange sizzling sound, and when I look around, I see we've been joined by Jacob and Rebecca. I must say, he looks a lot better than he did last time I saw him, and I tell him that. He seems embarrassed by the attention, but Rebecca silences him with a look and asks what's been happening while they've been gone.

Giles explains, while everyone else adds what they think he's forgotten. I keep quiet. I know they all think I don't know how to do that, but they're wrong. I've always been a bit of an outsider in this group, but I feel it more now than before.

When he gets to the part about the demon that soaks up magic, there's a reaction from the two newcomers. I don't know anything about their physiology, but I'd guess it was their equivalent of going very pale. In fact, their colour actually heightened, becoming redder. The reaction doesn't go unnoticed.

"Do you recognise that species? Are they native to your world?" Giles asks.

"If they're what I think they are, they're not actually native to any world," Jacob explains. "It seems as though several of our legends are more than just legends."

He looks at Rebecca, and she nods, agreeing that he should continue.

"You must understand that what I know, I learned as if reading a very old story. Some or all of it may be erroneous, but I'll tell you how it went. The time scale would be similar to Blar, I suppose, although that wasn't clear. The same general period, certainly, but we're talking about so long ago that a century either way would be considered accurate."

He takes a deep breath, and then continues. "You see, at that time, my people were still in the early stages of peaceful co-existence. Although most people were happy to live in peace, there was one, I suppose you'd call it a tribe, which wasn't happy with things. This tribe had been among the most powerful, and some of its members resented what they saw as their loss of status and influence. They had long prided themselves on their physical strength, and they had, in fact, had the reputation of being warlike - of taking and defending territory in battle. Although they had ostensibly been at peace for a long time, there were some aspects of their history that were remembered, and instead of being consigned to history, they were kept alive by constant reminders in daily life. The most important of these memories, involved the loss of a huge part of their territory to another tribe. Of course, I don't know the truth or otherwise of the story they believed, but it is sufficient to know that among them, to question the facts of such a legend was considered treason."

"The other tribe was very different. They had obtained their influence by a combination of intellectual excellence, and the study of the arcane. Their weapon, although it was primarily a defensive one, was magic."

"A leader rose to power in the first tribe who was particularly fanatical in his belief of the wrongs done to his people. He put tremendous effort into a project which was designed to ensure their success in re-taking that territory. We had, even then, met with many creatures from many worlds, and one of those was known to be able to nullify the effects of magic. That race, however, wasn't able to survive in our world, and so was of no use to them. The project worked to combine the characteristics of that race with that of our own so that the result would have the desired effect on magic, but would have loyalties to its creators."

"The story goes on to tell that a large number of these creatures were made. Their appearance was similar to our own, but they were considerable larger than are we, larger even than your own race. They were used, and the battle was won, the territory was reclaimed. Unfortunately, the rest of my people had to react to such a threat, and steps were taken to disperse the war-like tribe, to mix them among all others, and the racial hatred that was central to their being was gradually eroded. The creatures they had made had, so the story goes, actually been destroyed by their creators when their task was accomplished, because they were perceived as a threat because of their size and strength."

"If Blar was indeed around at that time, or if he came across the details of how these creatures were created, it's possible that he hid them on one of the worlds he used for his own purposes. If they were fertile, there could be many of them by now, and if they weren't, it would probably be possible to use some sort of cloning technique to keep a stock of them available."

There is silence for a few moments, then Rebecca speaks. 

"Of course, we don't know any of this is true. It's all just legends and supposition, but the idea that Blar's followers being reality seemed pretty far-fetched to me a short while ago, too, but now .."

I look around the group as they think about what has been said. Willow doesn't look at all well. It's probably due to her experience earlier with her sight and all, but it's obvious she needs some quiet time. 

Xander looks fit to explode. He so wants to do something, anything, that he's like a clock-spring that's wound too tight. He just doesn't know which way to jump, and that's when he's going to get into trouble.

Giles keeps rubbing his eyes, his glasses in hand. He's even forgotten to clean them - a sure sign that he needs to sleep.

Jenna? Well, I don't know her that well, and she's even more of an outsider than I am, but she's yawning too. I make a decision for all of us.

"Xander," I say, walking towards him, using the walk that he always used to say drove him wild. "I want you to come home with me. You look like you need company, and I'd like to have sex tonight."

"Ahn," he protests. "We can't just go home and leave them there."

"I suspect we have to, at least for now," Giles disagrees, for once too tired to be embarrassed at my reference to sex. "We'll all be better for some sleep. Tomorrow we'll see if we can work out a way of either contacting Riley or getting into whatever's under that cave. In the meantime, we have to hope that, whatever's happening to them, Riley won't let them be hurt."

"That's a pretty big hope," Xander replies.

"Well, no, it isn't," I counter. "I felt Buffy's need for vengeance as she climbed out of the van. I can still feel it, but it's more muted now. If she was being hurt, or Spike was being hurt, she'd be broadcasting it loud and clear. For now, I think they're safe. So, are you coming with me, or do I have to find someone else."

"Anya!" he says, scandalised. As if I couldn't find another orgasm partner easily. Of course, I probably wouldn't enjoy it so much with someone else, although, Grebben males are considered a pretty good catch for a one-night itch-scratching. No good for long term, though, because of the ..

I stop that train of thought because I realise Xander's said something else, breaking through my thoughts. He's standing by the door, looking at me expectantly, and the others are moving too. Good. Except I don't plan on Xander getting much sleep tonight.


	34. Chapter 34 Captivity

****

Chapter 34 - Captivity  
  
  
I was torn. Torn between figuring out a way to escape, and the need to just be there for Spike. In the end, I just stayed close to him. Because, for now at least, we're safe. I don't want to trust Riley, but there was something about him when we talked - it just told me to trust him on that. Not that he's got a blank cheque, it's just that I believe he's done this because he thinks it's the best way to keep us safe. I don't agree with him, but ..  
  
A couple of hours after I talked to Riley, I felt Spike move. I lay beside him, propped on my elbow to watch him, as the initial movements became more definite, and at last he opened his eyes. The look he gave me as he focussed on my face made me feel so humble. It was as though he didn't believe I'd really be there, but that it was what he hoped for with everything that he is.  
  
He didn't speak at first, just gazed at me, as if trying to persuade himself that I wasn't a dream. Then, as I spoke to him softly, trying to reassure him, he responded, touching my face, my hair, as though trying to memorise me that way in case sight ever failed him.  
  
I explained what had happened. It took a while, because at first he seemed to be completely caught up in just registering my presence. Gradually, I pulled his attention away from me, to the predicament we're in.   
  
Now, he sits up on the bed, taking in the room.   
"You've tried the door?" he asks.  
"Not too seriously, but it'll take some effort to break down. It's what's outside that's the real problem. There are armed men stationed throughout the complex, and it's a long way to the surface. If we're going to get out of here, we need help, or at least a plan. Something I haven't given too much thought to, because I really didn't want to have to carry you out."  
  
He almost looks hurt at that, then he spots the expression on my face. He grins then, realising that I was joking. In truth, I was just so worried about him, that, given that we were safe, it was better to do it together.  
  
My suspicions that we are being watched are confirmed by the fact that we're joined by Westgate within minutes, and he's not alone.  
  
He knocks at the door, but, given that's it's locked from the outside, it's more of a warning than a request for permission to enter.  
  
Spike tenses at the entry, and I run my hand up and down his arm in an attempt to pacify him a bit. He responds, but I know he's still coiled, ready to strike if he considers the man a threat.  
  
"You're feeling better?" he asks Spike.  
I'm not sure he was going to answer at all, but I nudge him, and he manages, "Wasn't feeling a lot of anything until I woke up. Now, I'm just fine, thank you."  
  
The edge of sarcasm isn't lost on Westgate, and he looks almost guilty.  
"I don't know how much Buffy has told you," he explains, "but, for what it's worth, I'd like to apologise for what Dawson put you through. You may find it hard to believe, but her .. experiments .. on you, were not official policy. The sample taking, well, yes, that was official, but you were meant to be kept, safe and unharmed in case you were needed again. The other thing, that, well, that was barbaric. As long as you make no attempt to escape, I can assure you that you will not be harmed."  
  
"So, what do you have in mind?" I ask.  
"My primary objective is your safety, yours and the baby's. We would like to .. study what remains of your pregnancy, and to evaluate the child when he's born."  
  
"She," I correct him. He looks bemused, so I make it clear. "The baby is a girl. So, your idea of keeping me safe is to use me as some sort of guinea pig - to study me, poke me, and then do the same to my daughter. Excuse me if I don't feel too safe right now."  
  
"I assure you, we won't do anything that might harm either of you. Everything will be done with the minimum of interference. It would be normal for you to have certain .. examinations, measurements, and so on carried out at this stage of pregnancy, and we will continue to monitor on that basis. I've called in the most experienced obstetrician I could find to look after you, so you really will be in the best of hands."  
  
"I want Dr. Chan. I don't want a stranger, even if he's the best you can find."  
Westgate glances around at his entourage, and catches the eye of the only other member who's not obviously armed. He mutters something, which I manage to catch. "The doctor whose offices were raided."  
  
"I see," Westgate replies. "I can ask Dr. Chan, of course, but I don't know if she'd be willing to come here. Obviously, I can't allow you to go to her."  
"Obviously," I hear Spike mutter under his breath.  
  
"I'll see what can be arranged," Westgate decides. "In the meantime, please make yourselves at home. If there's anything you need, let us know."  
  
With that, he turns, and leaves with his merry band of followers.  
  
I do my best to calm Spike after he leaves. It's obvious that most of his resentment is because of the intrusion into my privacy, so I minimise my own distress at that. What should be a private, joyful thing, the arrival of a child, could so easily become a public circus, and that's the last thing I want.  
  
I'm hoping that if they take us out of our room for the examination, then at least we'll get some more information on the set up here, but I don't say that, because I'm sure they're listening.  
  
"They watching us?" Spike asks.  
"Looks that way," I answer.   
He gestures to me for silence, and we both sit very still, listening for anything out of the ordinary.  
  
For the first time I realise how noisy our prison actually is. There's the faint buzz of the fluorescent lights, the rather noisier sounds of the fridge, and then there's the sound of the air circulation system. We switch off what we can control, and listen again.  
  
We both move around the room, as quietly as we can, enhanced hearing tuned to anything we can't account for.   
  
After a few moments, Spike calls me over to the wall where he's been listening and looking for a few moments. I listen carefully for a few seconds before I identify what he's found. When we look closely, we spot a tiny lens hidden in what appears to be a knot in the woodwork.   
  
Now that we've found one, others are found quickly, and before long, we've got five similar lenses covered, and we where the microphones are too. It's harder to do anything about them, but we'll just have to avoid saying anything we don't want them to hear.  
  
"Feel like a shower, Pet?" Spike asks.  
I don't know why he's suddenly thinking about personal hygiene, but I nod my head, and follow him into the bathroom. There's already a plug of chewing gum stuck over a lens in there, but Spike ignores that, and turns on the water.  
  
Once the water is running, he comes close to me and whispers in my ear.  
"Hopefully, the sound'll mask what we're saying," he explains.  
"What do you want to say that's so private?" I ask.  
"Not so much what I want to say," he replies, nuzzling at my neck, "but what I want to do."  
  
He pushes me up against the wall, and if I'd had any doubts before, I now know exactly what he has in mind.  
  
It was a long shower. One big advantage of this place, we didn't run out of hot water.  
  
My legs feel like jelly as I dry myself off and pull on the towelling robe that's been thoughtfully provided. Spike and I make our way through to the bedroom, falling onto the bed together. Between the tension of being captive, and the recent physical activity, we're both tired, and before long, we're both asleep.  
  
When I waken, I know it's much later. Spike and I are wrapped around one another the way we usually sleep together. I lie and watch him for a few moments, before I realise he's already awake. He flashes me a grin when I punch him on the chest, then I make myself comfortable against him. The fact that we're captive should be a big deal, but right now, I'm just concentrating on how good it feels to be close to him. I can feel Zara moving around, a limb of some sort apparently trying to poke its way out through my navel. Spike puts his hand on the point, feeling the strength in those tiny muscles, and smiles at me in a way that would make me love him even more, if that was possible.  
  
Of course, being close soon causes our thoughts to turn back to other things, and as things start to get heated, I manage to ask "Shower again?"  
"No, we'll just keep the noise down this time," he replies.  
That causes me to smile, because it seems like an almost impossible task.  
  
We make love again, and it is quiet, by our standards. I just hope it's quiet enough.  
  
Afterwards, I become aware of movement on the other side of the door dividing our room from Riley's. I still don't know exactly what to think about him. So far, he's been right. We seem to be safe here, unless you count the 'being a guinea pig' bit, but I'm still not certain I can trust him. Of course, that's largely because of previous actions. Let's face it, since he left on that helicopter, he hasn't exactly done much to earn my trust.   
  
Without discussing it, both Spike and I get up to dress. As I stand up, I feel a tightening across my front, and I pause while it passes. It's a side-effect of needing to go to the toilet, and something I've been having quite regularly recently. This one takes a little longer to pass than I've noticed before, but I decide that's probably just a result of our recent 'work out'.  
  
When I get back from the bathroom, I find Spike prowling the room, looking pretty much like the caged animal I know he is. I'm feeling hungry, though, so I go to the fridge, pulling out some fruit, and cold meat. There's some bread nearby, so I make some sandwiches. It's as if the sight of food is responsible for making him realise that he's hungry, because very soon, the sandwiches are gone, and I know I haven't had my share. I pout at that, and he looks confused.  
"I'm still hungry," I complain.   
He shrugs, and goes back towards the fridge, rummaging in a cupboard close to it, and returning with some chips. Not the ideal healthy breakfast, but then, maybe we should take Westgate at his word, and tell them what we want.  
  
I feel another tightening in my tummy, and my hand moves to stroke the board-hard contour. Spike notices, and he questions me with a look.  
  
"What is it they're called? Branston Higgs?" I ask.  
"Braxton Hicks," he corrects. He's been reading up on the whole pregnancy experience. "Any pain?"  
"No," I answer. And I can't really call it pain. It's more an unlocalised discomfort.  
  
There's another knock on the door, followed by an immediate entry. Westgate's back, and this time, his entourage is smaller. Still a couple of armed men with rifles trained at us, though, so it's not going to do any good. And, this time, Riley's there too.  
  
"I hope you slept well," he says, looking around the room critically at all the bits of gum covering the lenses we found.   
"Just fine, thanks," Spike replies.  
"I'm willing to overlook the cameras," Westgate offers, "as I suspect the pictures wouldn't be suitable viewing for some of my men anyway. However, if I have any reason to believe that you are doing anything to betray the trust I'm showing, I have to warn you, that I can have men in here at a few seconds notice."  
  
We don't answer. He doesn't seem surprised.   
"I've persuaded Dr. Chan to attend you," he continues, "and she'll be here in about an hour. I've arranged for you to go upstairs to one of our medical suites where she can examine you. There will be another two people present for the examination, one is a doctor who is on secondment to my unit, and who specialises in non-human physiology, and the other is a nurse who will assist both doctors as required. I'll send someone to collect you as soon as everything is ready."  
  
By the way he looks at me as he speaks, I know he only means me.  
"I want Spike there," I tell him.  
"That's out of the question," he replies.  
"If you want my co-operation, Spike will be there. He's the baby's father, and he has the right to be there. If you exclude him, then you're going to have a fight on your hands, and you wouldn't want anyone getting hurt, now would you?"  
  
As I speak, I reach out to hold Spike's hand. His arm is rigid, and I know he picked up the same message as I did. The difference is that he sees it as my choice whether or not he's present, so he couldn't say anything. I stroke his arm, trying to communicate my need for him.  
  
Westgate looks around at Riley. He nods, giving his approval of the change of plans. Riley looks at me, and his expression tells me clearly that his reputation's on the line here. If I try anything, Westgate won't listen to him again.  
  
With a sigh, Westgate agrees.  
"Very well, he can be present. However, I will have to increase the security detail. They will be in the room, but you will be in an area which is screened off from them for your privacy. Is that acceptable?"  
  
I nod. It's not ideal, but as long as I've got Spike there, I'll deal.  



	35. Chapter 35 Examination

****

Chapter 35 - Examination

We're escorted through endless corridors in silence. Westgate isn't among the detail, but their orders were obviously to keep their sights trained on me, so there was nothing we can do, my baby is too important for me to risk, and they know it.

We're shown into a large examination room. It certainly seems as well-equipped as anything I've seen in hospital. A largish area in the centre of the room is screened off, and our escort takes up position around that screen while Spike and I are ushered inside.

The space inside is cramped, but that's only because it's so full of people and equipment. I'm surprised to see Riley there, and it's obvious that he's not comfortable. My feelings on seeing Dr. Chan are different - pure relief - and she's obviously trying hard not to show me how scared she actually is. She greets me effusively, and helps me onto the examination couch.

I can feel Spike's agitation, and I keep a hand on his arm, desperate to keep him calm. While it's not ideal to have him wound up like this - I'm only too aware of the devastation that could be caused if he loses control - I know he's only like this because of how much he loves me, loves us. In a perverse way it makes me feel safe, even when I know I'm anything but.

Once I'm settled, I notice the two strangers for the first time. The other woman is dressed in a nurse's uniform. She's average height with black hair and stunningly blue eyes. She smiles nervously at me, and I know she's not comfortable with the arrangement.

The other person is a six foot African American, and my attention is immediately drawn to his hands. They seem completely out of proportion to his rather larger than average body, being small and delicate, almost feminine in appearance.

"I'll be just outside, and I'll make sure no one comes in unless there's a problem," Riley mutters, as he moves towards the gap in the screens, pulling them closed behind him.

Realistically, I know his promise isn't worth anything. I mean, because he's standing at the makeshift entrance doesn't mean a thing when you're surrounded by moveable partitions, but I know he means well.

"Shall we begin?" the tall man with tiny hands says, "I'm Dr. Jameson."

He holds out a hand to shake mine, and I reluctantly return the gesture.

"I understand you're not happy with your current situation," he continues, "but I have promised to treat you no differently from any other patient I've ever had, and I've only been involved with the military for a short part of my career."

I nod, not agreeing, just confirming that I've heard what he said.

He looks pointedly at Dr. Chan. It's obvious that he's not happy about her presence. He then turns his attention to me. "Before you begin your examination, I thought I'd tell you that I have some theories about how this pregnancy is progressing. A good deal of what I've come up with, is extrapolation from the test results done on your .. partner. Assuming your physiology is similar to his, would I be right in saying that you heal faster than a human?"

"Yes, but then I always have," I answer.

"Ah, yes. The Initiative records state that you thought you were some sort of mystical being called the 'Slayer'.

"I am the Slayer."

"And is your partner also a Slayer?"

There's a muffled laugh from Spike at that.

"No, I'm bloody not!"

"I see," he continues. "Well, excuse me if I just go with the facts I have in front of me.

Spike shrugs. To be honest, the man's irritating me too, but I'm determined not to show it.

"Now, there was evidence that human blood would increase 17's healing ability further. Is that also true of you?"

"His name is Spike."

He sighs, obviously I'm getting to him too.

"There is evidence that human blood increases .. Spike's .. healing ability. Is that also true of you?"

"Seems to be," I admit.

"Now, Dr. Chan's records show that your pregnancy is accelerated relative to a human confinement, and she had a concern that it wasn't even progressing in a linear fashion. Isn't that right?"

Dr. Chan looks at him, and then at me.

"Miss Summers, you must understand that I haven't disclosed any information to these people voluntarily. They raided my office, and took your file. I can only apologise for that .."

I hold out a hand and grasp one of hers.

"It's not your fault," I reassure her. "Anyway, I'd like to know what you think."

"Ok," she says, apparently taking a moment to array her thoughts.

"You remember the last time you visited me, I said I thought the pregnancy was accelerated. It was more than that, but I didn't have the data to be sure, so I didn't say anything. I hoped to have a better idea after your next examination. It seemed to me that, not only was your pregnancy moving faster than normal, it actually seemed to be accelerating. The early stages were pretty close to normal rate, but recently, things have been moving much faster."

"Now, my theory," Jameson takes over, "is that this is a direct consequence of your superior healing ability. The metabolic rate required to support healing at that rate, allows the process of development of the foetus to be faster too. If you ingest blood, this could easily have an effect on the rate too. In any case, I'd like to start with a simple examination to estimate the size of the baby. Then, we'll do an ultrasound, and depending on the results, we can go on from there."

"I'd like Dr. Chan to do the exam," I remind him. "You can watch if you like, but I want her to do it."

Jameson doesn't look happy at that, but he shrugs and takes a step back. It looks like he thought I'd change my mind once I'd seen how clever he is. As if.

The initial tests are simple, requiring an examination of my burgeoning belly, and listening to the baby's heartbeat. Of course, I can hear it most of the time now, a background noise that makes sure I can' t forget that she's there, even for a moment.

After that, there's the ultrasound, and, while Dr. Chan is in charge, Jameson's obviously itching to get his hands on the transducer. He requests her to move it around, making sure that he gets all the information he wants. There are more measurements then, and some raised eyebrows, but no information is forthcoming.

When it's over, Dr. Chan bends over her notes, scribbling and furrowing her brow. Jameson's obviously itching to say something, but he's quiet.

"Well, Buffy," Dr. Chan manages at last. "It would appear that I was correct. You should still have over a month to go, but from the size of the baby, it looks as though you're very close to term."

"How close?" I ask, as I feel something inside contract in fear or excitement.

"Well, that's difficult to predict, but let's just say that I wouldn't have any concerns for the baby if you were to go into labour today. However, I don't think that's likely. The baby's head is still a bit high for that, but that could change quite quickly."

Spike's hand tenses on mine then, and I know he's feeling my excitement. I squeeze back, and we look at one another, forgetting the others in the room for a moment.

"Dr.," Jameson interrupts our moment. "I think you should continue with the examination."

"I see no reason to do anything further," Dr. Chan responds.

"But we need to do an internal examination," he argues. "If you don't want to, I'd be happy to oblige."

"No," Spike interrupts, a second before me. "If Dr. Chan doesn't think it's necessary, then it doesn't happen."

"Really," Dr. Jameson says allowing his frustration to be obvious. "An internal examination is standard procedure for all non-human subjects and most of my human patients, come to that. We don't know anything about the likely success or otherwise of labour. She looks human, but what we can't see could be anything but."

"I'll vouch for everything being standard," Spike growls. "Now just leave her alone."

"I'll be talking to the Westgate about this, and if I don't get satisfaction from him, then I'll go higher if need be. This is an outrageous interference with normal practice. How can I be expected to provide the information needed if I can't examine the subjects? I was willing to accept someone else performing the examination, against my better judgement, I might add, but this.. is just unacceptable!"

At that point, he walks away, leaving me to pull my top down again. I stand up, and Spike puts his arm around me, holding me close. It's only then that I realise that I'm shaking. 

Before we can move further, a screen is moved slightly, and I hear Riley's voice. I smile as I glance up to find his eyes averted to the side. 

"Can I come in?"

"It's ok, Riley," I reply. "I think we're going to go back to our room."

He looks at us then, and nods. He quite obviously heard everything that happened, and his normally pale complexion is reddened, I assume by anger, although it could have been embarrassment. He moves the screens away, and we move out of the enclosure to find ourselves surrounded by the same escort. We walk back along the corridors, not speaking, but I know Spike's taking in every detail as we walk, just as I am. 


	36. Chapter 36 Choosing Sides

****

Chapter 36 - Choosing Sides

When I'm sure Buffy's safely back in their room, I walk towards Westgate's office. I'm not surprised to hear that Simon's busy, and I can hear the raised voices. As I'm talking to Westgate's secretary, Jameson comes storming out of the office, and he's still yelling.

"You haven't heard the last of this. That specimen is unique. If she gives birth to live young, it could be the start of a complete breeding programme. It's too important for humanitarian feelings - even if she were human. And, don't think about moving her." This last is a warning, delivered with a menace that's hard to miss.

He almost walks into me as he leaves, he's so intent on Westgate. As soon as the path is clear, I go into Westgate's office. He's looking worried.

"He'll get the ok, won't he?" I ask.

"For what he wants? Yes, he will. And, once he's got control, I dread to think what else he'll do. He's ambitious. Technically, he's brilliant, but, from what I've heard, his rather abrasive manner meant he wasn't successful with human patients. He sees this programme as his chance to prove his brilliance, without having to worry about the niceties involved in treating humans."

"So, what do we do?" I demand. 

"There's nothing I can do. I'd guess, she's only got hours before he's back with the authorisation to do exactly what he wants, and I'd bet that's a lot more than he's admitted so far."

He's looking at me, and the expression is a challenge. He's made his meaning clear. There's nothing he can do. He's a family man, I know that. Three kids of his own. I can see his point. He might have sympathy for Buffy, but he's got to consider his own family, their future. I have no one to consider, not any more. So, maybe, there's something I can do. I decide to take the chance.

"Sir, I'd like to request a leave of absence. Twenty-four hours should be enough, there're some things I need to sort out - some paperwork to finalise everything after Sam's death."

"Of course, of course," he answers. 

I almost feel bad using Sam as an excuse like that, but I know she'd approve. She couldn't understand my pre-occupation with splitting up Buffy and Spike, and she'd want me to try to make up for it.

I leave the office, and start to plan. I might have Westgate's tacit approval, but that doesn't mean it's risk-free. The first step is a phone call. Willow sounds dubious at first, but it doesn't take too long to persuade her that I'm serious. Then I go and pick up a couple of uniforms. I've got to guess at Spike's size, but I'm pretty confident about that. Buffy's harder. She's so short, and with the added difficulty of the bump, I end up having to compromise.

I stash the uniforms in my room, and head for the equipment stores. I'm interested to note that security seems to have been reduced. It's still there, but there seem to be gaps. Westgate's obviously done what he can, without taking too many personal risks.

I pick up a couple of things that might be useful, and return to my room. Next comes the bit I'm not really looking forward to. I knock quietly on the door which interconnects with theirs. Spike answers, and his face shows his disapproval. Still, he walks away from me, returning to sit on the bed where Buffy's lying, propped on pillows. It could be my imagination, but I could swear that her bump is bigger than a short while ago. Still, despite everything, she looks beautiful. My mom always said that pregnancy gives women a dignity they don't have otherwise, but I couldn't see it before. Looking at Buffy, I know exactly what she meant. 

I hold up an electronic device. "This will interfere with the surveillance equipment," I explain, before telling them what I've got planned.

"It's only a matter of time before Jameson's back, with whatever authority he needs to do just what he wants. You've got to get out of here."

Buffy nods. Spike looks disbelieving. Well, I guess I would too in his shoes. 

"You're helping us?"

"Look," I try to explain. "I don't like you. Never have, and I don't reckon I ever will. I know you don't deserve Buffy. But, for some reason, Buffy's chosen you, and you're the father of her child. And, I just can't let Jameson get his hands on Buffy. So, I'm going to help. I've spoken to Willow, and she's going to make sure you're met when you get to ground level. Until then, we've got to be careful."

I thrust the uniforms at him. "Get changed, and then come into my room. We've got to avoid security."

"And that," Spike points to the jammer in my hand, "means no one heard any of that?"

"Yes. It'll sound as though you've just stopped talking for a while, and so long as the listener doesn't know you too well, it should be believeable for a while." I know it's petty, but I just can't resist the dig.

He's about to make some snarky comment about that, then thinks better of it. He nods, and pulls the pile of uniform from me, grimacing in distaste. 

"Yeah, well, I'm not too happy about you disgracing the uniform either, but unless you've got a better idea ..?"

He shrugs, and I turn to go. I get half way to the door, when I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn around to find Buffy there. She holds out her arms to me, and I return the gesture, the resulting hug being awkward both emotionally and physically due to the bump.

"Thanks," she says, quietly. I just nod.

*-*-*

I was surprised when I got the call. We'd been working flat out to find a way of getting them out of that place, but we'd come up with exactly nothing of use. Getting transport to the area was simple in comparison to the other possibilities we'd considered.

Xander came up with the ideal vehicle. He seems to have a knack of having friends who have friends who can lay their hands on just about anything. The van's not too unusual, I suppose, but it can hold our whole party without difficulty, and it has the advantage of four wheel drive in case the road doesn't seem like the best way back to town. Riley seems confident that all we need to do is be there, but I've got to say that just seems too easy.

Anya's been keeping an eye on the area anyway, but she hasn't been able to do much more, and her other duties mean she's been absent a lot of the time too. 

It's obvious that Jacob and Rebecca won't be much help in the rescue, so I persuade them to get back to research. Anything, from either their world or ours, that gives us an advantage over whatever group has been masterminding the attacks on Dawn, is going to be needed.

We spend the little time we've got available stocking up on weapons and supplies for any magic Jenna and I might have to use. Between us we've got a pretty fair arsenal of possibilities, and I'm feeling quietly confident.

Riley's specified where we should wait, out of range of the local surveillance, and he's told us to listen for a small explosion. He hasn't told us any more about what he's got in mind. Well, we can do that. But we can do more. Once we're in position we can keep trying to trace Buffy. The place she's in seems to be heavily shielded, but, once she's outside …

In many respects, it's once she's outside that the problems really start. I contacted Dr. Chan. I don't know what's happened to Buffy while she's been held, but I know Buffy will want to be checked over as soon as possible. To my surprise, Dr. Chan has what seems like the ideal place for us to go to after we've got Buffy. I must remember to ask Anya if she knew Dr. Chan was so busy.


	37. Chapter 37 Climbing

Chapter 37 - Climbing

Now, I didn't expect that. Captain Cardboard trying to help? No, didn't even occur to me. I'm surprised to see that Buffy's not surprised. She's just accepting what he says.

I knew we had a problem. We'd already gone round the room again, and found some extra microphones and cameras, and we'd done what we could, but we still waited until we were in the shower before we discussed it. As far as getting out of here is concerned, the best we came up with was overpowering our next visitors and making a run for it. I'm not sure Finn's actually offering us better odds, but Buffy seems convinced.

We change, and I have to say, I could actually wish I was still among the ranks of the undead. This is one occasion when I'd be glad not to have a reflection. I mean, me? In a uniform? And a ruddy American one at that! Still, Buffy's worth it, her and the Bit, and I can't think of anything else that would be.

Buffy's uniform is more of a problem. The trousers are too long, and we've got to do some pretty quick 'repairs' to let her walk without tripping over them. Never realised chewing gum could be so useful.

When we're both dressed, something we've accomplished while trying to sound like we're not about to attempt to escape, we go to the door. Once we're through, Finn goes straight to his own door to the corridor, taking a look outside, then doing something with the device he showed us, before gesturing to us to follow him. 

He walks, apparently unconcerned, past surveillance cameras, and we follow, Buffy next to him, while I take the rear. He keeps his, I don't know, jamming device, in his hand, so I suppose he knows what he's doing.

After a couple of minutes, he opens a door, which I'm surprised to see seems to be a cupboard. Once inside, he closes the door behind us, then turns to face us.

"Listen," he starts, "Westgate's managed to minimise security on this floor, but we've got to assume the rest of the complex is at full strength. There's an air vent which leads from here, to the top operational level. We're going to have to climb about seven floors - I'm not sure how far that is, the design details of this place are classified. The only reason I know about the vents is that it's the same system the Initiative used. I suppose there're only so many ways to get fresh air into an underground building."

"Ok, so we get to the top level," I ask, "and we're home free, right?" 

I can't help but think its all sounding a bit too easy.

"Well, not quite. Once we're there, we can get to ground level, but the vents there can't be removed with a screwdriver. I've got that covered, but it'll be noisy. Once we're outside, all we'll have going for us is speed. There'll be security on the ground, and by definition, it's covert. I don't know if Westgate's been able to do anything about it."

"Why's Westgate helping at all?" I ask. I mean, it's hard enough to believe that Finn is helping, without believing he's having help too.

"I don't really know. Maybe he just doesn't like Jameson. Let's just get you out of here, then we'll worry about why."

I'm still not happy, and can't help but wonder if it's not just an elaborate plan to kill us both, but I've run out of options. 

"Are you ok to climb?" I ask Buffy.

She's looking paler than recently, and I touch her cheek while waiting for her answer. Truth is, I'd carry her if she'd let me, but she's an independent chit.

"I'll be fine," she says, softly, but there's just a hint of doubt in her eyes.

"What is it? " I ask. She's got me worried now. ""Nothing, just a twinge," she answers, wiping the doubt off her face. I try to put an arm around her, but she shrugs it off. 

Finn hasn't taken any notice of our exchange, as he'd been busy removing the cover to the vent. He leads the way, and Buffy follows. I go behind her, and re-fit the vent as well as I can.

The climb begins, and Buffy seems ok. It seems as though she's trying hard to keep calm, and I'm finding it difficult to read how she's really feeling. 

It's a long climb. I can hear Finn panting above me, and I'm pretty sure Buffy's heartbeat's faster than I'd normally expect, but the overlay of the baby's makes it difficult to pick out. At last, we reach the top of the climb, and find ourselves in a horizontal vent. We crawl along for about fifty yards, before Finn stops at the base of another ladder.

I close the gap between Buffy and me, and as I come up behind her, I know there's something wrong. She's rocking back and forth on her hands and knees.

"Buffy?" I whisper.

I put a hand on her back, but she doesn't answer. Finn seems to have noticed something at last, and he backs up towards us.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Labour," I answer with a certainty that causes a gamut of conflicting emotions in me. I can feel Finn's embarrassment, almost as if his reddening complexion is warming the atmosphere, but it's much more complex than that. Immediately after that, I feel his rising panic that actually matches my own feelings better than I'd like to admit. Buffy, on the other hand, seems calm even though she's obviously in pain.

After a short while, Buffy's motion stops, and she's breathing deeply. I keep my hand on her back, hoping that the circular movements are comforting, and I speak to Finn.

"How much further?" I ask.

"Not far, but this is the hard part. I've got a small explosive charge which should blow the cover, and I can detonate it remotely. How long have we got before the next contraction?"

"Don't know," Buffy answers. "Let's just get on with it."

I nod my agreement, and Finn scuttles back to the next ladder.

He's back in a couple of minutes - time I've spent irritating Buffy with my concern for her. 

"Ok?" Finn asks.

"Get on with it," Buffy decides to vent her irritation with me at Finn. I can't help smiling.

A second later, there's a small, muffled explosion followed by a great deal of dust falling from above. When we're over the worst of that, Finn makes for the ladder, and we follow. 

When I poke my head out at the top of the ladder, I spot Finn and Buffy hiding behind a scrubby bush not far from the outlet. I make for them, instinctively keeping low. Seconds later, a van appears, doors open, Willow just visible through the door. 

For a second I wonder why Buffy hasn't moved, then I realise that she's caught up in another contraction. This time, I don't think, I just lift her and run. Finn runs along behind me. I've just about covered the thirty or so yards to the van when I hear the first shots. I thrust Buffy up into the Giles' waiting arms in the van. I look around and see Finn, lying ten yards away, blood seeping through his clothing.

I hesitate for a fraction of a second, then make up my mind. I run back to the prone figure, reaching him before the first bullet hits me. I grit my teeth, trying to ignore the pain in my stomach. I hoist Finn over my shoulder and run. I know I've been hit again, but the knowledge that we're so close to safety gives me all the impetus I need to throw myself those last few feet. I feel hands pulling me further into the van as it skids off away from the gunfire. 


	38. Chapter 38 Medical School

****

Chapter 38 - Medical School

My heart is hammering in my chest as I drive. It's another one of those funny things that's left over from my 'military' experience. I'm driving and I know I'm doing my best to avoid pursuit. I'm glad Willow and Jenna managed some mojo on the van, because if they hadn't, I reckon it'd be riddled with holes by now. As it is, we've got two men in that state, and a woman in labour in the back of the van instead.

When I'm reasonably sure we're not being followed, I head into town, and out the other side. Willow tells me she's done a glamour on the van, so it doesn't still match any description that's been circulated. I'm really glad she's on our side.

Now, I've just got to find my way to Dr. Chan. After Willow got the call from Riley, she contacted the good doctor. I think she was thinking in terms of getting Buffy checked out after her ordeal, but it looks like the need is rather more urgent than that. 

I've tried to see what's happening in the back a couple of times, but I just get yelled at to keep my eyes on the road. I know Willow's busy, and I've had quite a few demands to keep the van steady, but sometimes you can have fast and sneaky, or you can have steady, and I'm going for fast and sneaky.

The directions Dr. Chan gave us take us out of town of a road that's obviously not often used. The house, when we get there, seems too small to accommodate our group, let alone the others we've been told are there. A number of - I don't know - demons, I suppose, file out of the house, and within moments, Buffy and the wounded are unloaded and taken inside. Another one, and I'd swear he's a relative of Clem, has taken the keys to the van, insisting that he needs to hide it. I follow everyone inside, and I'm in for another surprise.

The single-roomed shack is a cover for something rather larger. No, it's not on the scale of the Initiative, or the Defenders, but it's surprising, just the same. Now's not the time for questions, though. Dr. Chan meets us with a worried look as Buffy is helped down into the basement where there's a makeshift surgery She's closely following whoever's carrying an unconscious Spike, and holding onto Giles for support. The doctor was expecting Buffy, and I suppose the others are not really in her line. Despite that, she's soon shouting orders and two further makeshift beds appear, and the wounded are laid on them. Willow takes that as her cue, and approaches Riley. I can see Buffy's reaction to that, and she's obviously not happy, but logically, Riley's the more likely to die from a gunshot wound.

I won't even pretend to understand what she does then. Even Jenna looks impressed, but then again, that could be worried. She's removed the bullet from Riley's back, and then left the good doctor's army of helpers to dress the remaining wound, small as it is.

Buffy refused to lie down, hovering instead over Spike. Once she's assured herself that Willow was dealing with the others, Dr. Chan started trying to check Buffy over, although that can't be easy when Buffy won't sit down. As Willow approaches Spike's bed, Buffy is forced to bend over the bed for support as another contraction overtakes her. The doctor gives up on the examination, and places a hand on Buffy's back.

"How long between contractions?" she asks. Buffy doesn't answer, but Giles does.

"That's three minutes," he says, checking his watch.

"Ok, Buffy, as soon as this contraction passes, I'm going to get you into bed. I want to see how far along you are. Your friend seems to know what she's doing, although I have to admit I haven't got a clue. She'll see to Spike. You've got to concentrate on you and the baby."

As the contraction passes, Buffy is dragged reluctantly away from Spike. Willow continues her work, and after a few minutes, she has finished. Spike's obviously lost quite a lot of blood, and I notice that someone is setting up a transfusion for Riley. 

Once that's done, they go to Spike, ready to do the same thing. I realise that's not the best way to get blood into him, and tell them so.

"He'd be better drinking it," I offer.

They look up at me in surprise. One calls over to the doctor, who takes one glance at me and tells them to do as I ask. With what I assume is a shrug of the shoulder, I'm handed a blood bag. Well, I understand body language as well as the next man, but I don't speak demon.

Now, it's all very well knowing that he can drink it, but it's another to get the blood into him. I remember how Buffy did it last time, and do I have to comment on how often it seems someone is having to save Spike's life? I find some scissors and cut open a corner of the bag, allowing a small amount of blood to trickle onto my finger. As if that's not bad enough, I then offer said finger to the ex-vampire on the bed. Visions of my hand, minus a finger flit across my mind. Now, why did I have to remember his previous status right now? Probably because, emotionally, to me, that's what he'll always be.

After a few seconds, his mouth moves around my finger, his tongue rough as it removes every last bit. I repeat the exercise, and by the time he's had a half-dozen fingersfull, he's opening his eyes. That's enough for me. I motion to one of my surprised-looking spectators, and they help me to pull him to a sitting position. He downs the rest of the bag under his own steam in less time than I'd have believed possible. When it's empty, his face changes. No, it's not a vampire type change, just the change from semi-consciousness to full consciousness. As soon as it's complete, he's off the bed, gasping as the pain from a couple of bullet holes makes itself known.

"Buffy?" he asks, and I point over to the other bed where she's being examined. There's a makeshift screen been pulled around the bed, but that's not going to stop the expectant father. Giles is standing just my side of the screens, so I join him.

"How's she doing?" I ask.

"I have no idea," Giles replies. "I've studied a great many things, from science, and languages to literature, to say nothing of the arcane, but the mechanics of childbirth is one subject I'm afraid to say, about which I know next to nothing."

So, there is a subject on which I have more knowledge than Giles. I always thought there'd be one that didn't involve television in some way. Not that I'm an expert, of course, but I've done the human biology at school. Not that I routinely paid that much attention in biology class, but that part, following on so quickly after sex education, well that's pretty much ingrained on my mind. And does watching a video mean that it's also something that involves watching TV? 

After a few minutes, the screens are parted, and Buffy is revealed, sitting on a bed, apparently well, and with Spike beside her, holding her hand. She's looking relieved.

"Well?" I ask.

"Everything's going as it should, and the baby should be born fairly soon," she answers, before her expression changes and I can see that another contraction has hit her.

The doctor then goes to check on Riley. She seems happy with what she's seen, so I ask her about this place.

"It's a medical school," she answers.

Now, I didn't expect to hear that.

"Local demons need to be able to have treatment for injury just like humans do. Unfortunately, local hospitals won't admit them. I started treating a few who had human-like physiology, but soon that wasn't enough. I managed to put together a group of the most knowledgeable of the non-aggressive species in the area, and we set up this place, to teach others how to treat the injured. It's grown over the few years since I started it, and I've been able to put together a team that can treat most eventualities. I came here when my office was raided so I didn't have to let down my most vulnerable patients. Of course, the completely human have alternative recourse to treatment. Others don't. After the raid, we've instituted a security system of sorts. It pretty much involves having all the roads in the area watched, but it's the best we can do."

The way she describes it, it's so simple, so obvious, that I can't help but wonder why I never considered the existence of medical facilities for demons before now. I guess I'm still learning just how complex the creatures I'd always dismissed as 'demons' really are.

The screens around Buffy have been re-instated, and Giles and I spot Jenna waiting just outside the main room. We go to join her, and I'm hit with a strange sort of déjà vu. 

You know the old films, where the husband is banished out of the ward while his wife is having the baby - well, that's how I feel. Not that I really want to be in there - she's not my partner, and it's not my child, and eughhh. I remember enough of the video we saw to convince me I don't want to be there. 

After a couple of minutes, Willow stops hovering too and joins us. There are some chairs - I suppose it's intended as a waiting room, and we sit there in a row, waiting to hear the news. Within a few moments, Willow's head is on my shoulder, and she's falling asleep. I guess bullet removal must be pretty exhausting.


	39. Chapter 39 The Longest Wait

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Chapter 39 - The Longest Wait

I never knew it would hurt so much. I mean, you see it on TV, a woman in labour, her pain and the sheer physical effort she has to put in to produce a healthy child, but it's only when it's important to you that you realise the full extent of it. 

Buffy's used to pain. I mean, she's been the Slayer since before her sixteenth birthday. Pain's pretty much part of a Slayer's life - she's taken punches that'd result in pretty heavy damage to a normal girl, and come up fighting. But this is different. I realise that I've never seen her in pain before - not physical pain. The doctor's given it her best shot and tried something that she thinks might give Buffy some relief without harming the child, but, without really understanding Buffy's physiology, she's only guessing.

Despite that, Buffy's doing well. Maybe it's harder to see someone you love in pain than to actually experience it - especially if you know that it's not going to go on forever. She's even made a few jokes during her brief periods of respite between contractions. The jokes are aimed at the doctor, not at me, of course. I'm just the butt of them. But then I read somewhere that a woman in labour sometimes blames the child's father for her pain (which seems reasonable enough), and therefore gives him a hard time. She can do what she likes to me right now- even beat me to a bloody pulp if she could do it and it made her feel even slightly better. She's not going to, though - she's totally involved in what's happening to her.

The doctor seems to think that it won't be long - her waters broke a while ago. Said something about Buffy being lucky - that first time labours can go on for a very long time. Everything about this pregnancy has been done at high speed - so I suppose it's only fitting that it should end quickly too.

I've tried everything that either Buffy or the doctor have suggested in order to ease things for her. I've rubbed her back and held her hand - or more correctly, allowed her to hold my hand so tight that I had a lovely set of bleeding nail imprints on my palm, but it seems I'm not doing it right.

I'm going to be a father. Somehow, that simple fact manages to eclipse, at least for now, the events of recent days and weeks. The danger we're in is as great as it ever was, but I can't give that any thought. I heard some mutterings about security as I came around, and I just hope it's enough to allow the baby to be born safely. After that, I'll start thinking about the next step.

The others all disappeared after a while, but Willow's come back again. She's just the other side of the screens, realising, I think, that this is a kind of private thing. She wants to help, but, for once, she doesn't know how. She made a pretty good job of fixing me up - I'm hardly aware of the two bullet wounds I had a short while ago. I idly wonder how Finn's doing. Not that I care about him, it's just, well, his crazy plan worked, so I guess I sort of owe him.

Another contraction, and Buffy's decided to have another go at being on her hands and knees. I take up position behind her and rub her back as the doctor suggests, and this time, it seems I've got it right. She's moving towards my hands rather than trying to buck them off, so maybe it's helping a little.

When the contraction's over, the doctor suggests an internal exam to check progress. It takes only a couple of minutes, and from what she says, Buffy's fully dilated, so we're really in the last straight now.

The next contraction hits almost as soon as the internal's over. This one is different. Well, Buffy's screaming at me, and her language is a very colourful mixture of less-than-ladylike language from both sides of the Atlantic. I guess she pays more attention to my swearing than I'd realised.

I remember reading about this, too. It's called 'transition', and it's often the part of labour where the mother decides that she doesn't really want a baby and should just go home after all. The next step should be for Buffy to start pushing the baby out.

That thought leads, naturally enough, to a mental picture of me holding my daughter. For a fraction of a second, I go through a transition of my own, and I feel this overpowering urge to run. The responsibility of fatherhood just seems so huge - so overwhelming - and so much like something I need to avoid.

That thought is over almost before I can put it into words. I wouldn't be anywhere in the world other than here right now. Yeah, I could wish that we weren't in a makeshift hospital in the middle of nowhere with one doctor and a crowd, of what I assume, are enthusiastic amateurs to help. But, the only place I want to be is where Buffy is, so I suppose the detail will just have to be accepted.

I need a cigarette. I've hardly smoked since I got this shiny new body - just haven't felt the same need - but right now, I need one. I'm unconsciously feeling in my pockets for the pack I know isn't there. And even if I could find one, it's not likely that I could smoke it anyway, so it's a futile exercise, but I need to do something with my hands.

Another contraction, and Buffy's pushing. Another fact from the books I read - when it's time, she won't be able to stop herself from pushing. Her expression's different, too. She's lost that angry look, she knows exactly what's happening, and she's working with it.

I'm holding her hand again. I can feel her nails sink into the partially healed wounds from last time, but I don't feel any pain. I whispering to her - I hardly know what the words are, I just need her to know that I'm here, that I'm not going anywhere.

It goes on and on. At least, it seems like that. Buffy's tired now. I can see it in her face - she's so tired, but she's still doing everything she can. We saw the baby's head during the last couple of contractions, so it won't be long. I feel the pressure on my hand increase again, and I know she's going for it this time. She's pushing, and pushing, and the doctor's shouting instructions I can't understand. With a squelching sound that sounds completely out of place here, I see her, finally emerging into the world. Then, things no longer make any sense. I can't understand what's happening. The baby should be crying, shouldn't she? We should hear her, but the doctor's back is to us, and she's not saying anything, but her hands are busy. I realise I've stopped breathing. I can hear nothing, until Buffy starts to demand to know what's going on. I can't help her, I don't know myself.

The doctor's smiling then, as she turns towards us. Before the significance of the smile can fully sink into my bewildered mind, I hear it - the most beautiful sound in the world - my daughter's cry.

I vaguely realise that the screen's been moved and someone's come in, but I don't pay any attention.

The baby's deposited in Buffy's arms while we wait for the placenta to be delivered. I sit as close to Buffy as I can get, staring at the small bundle in her arms. She's already rooting, looking for something to fill her small rosebud of a mouth, and Buffy looks to the doctor for advice.

"You were planning on breast-feeding, weren't you?" she asks.

To Buffy's affirmative, she adds, "Well, now's as good a time to start as any. It'll help with the expulsion of the afterbirth, and with getting your figure back."

Buffy nods, and starts to try to unbutton her clothes, but there're too many buttons on that stupid uniform. The bottom half was shed a long time ago, but the shirt still remains. I hold out my arms, and she hands me my daughter. 

I'd stood up to take the baby, but I'm immediately glad there's a chair behind me. I fall back into it as my legs seem to turn to jelly. My daughter.

Suddenly Willow's there too, staring at the baby, gasping at something she's noticed. I don't say anything, I just stare at Zara. I wonder at the fact that she's blurred, and then realise there's a film of water forming in my eyes.

She seems to know I'm not a source of food, because she's not looking for any. She's just looking up into my eyes, and I'd swear I see recognition. I know, it'll be weeks before she can even focus, but I'd swear she looks at me with recognition.

Buffy's ready, so I hand her back, already missing the tiny presence in my arms.

Buffy has a couple of false starts before Zara takes over and shows her how it's done. At least, that's how it looked to me. She's now sucking happily, her eyes closing and her whole body rapt in concentration.

Willow mutters something about going to tell the others.

"How much did she weigh?" Buffy asks.

I'm stupid. Of course, that's one of the things that were happening. And why didn't I think to ask that?

"Eight pounds four - pretty big for a first baby," she replies.

"And looking to grow bigger," I comment, looking at the way she's feeding.

Buffy smiles at me. That's all it takes. One smile, and the watery film in my eyes overflows and tears start to roll down my cheeks.

Before long, I'm handed a now sleeping Zara, so that Buffy can get cleaned up. By the sounds from the other side of the screen, she's got visitors. I suppose I could go and show off my daughter, but I'm not sure I trust myself to walk and carry her at the same time. Harry Potter's jelly-legs curse has nothing on how I'm feeling right now. And then, there's no way I want to leave Buffy. Not now, not ever.

I'm a father. The words wander through my mind in the hope that continued repetition might make it seem real. Even the warm bundle in my arms doesn't help that. I'm a father.

I think of my own father - a man I hardly knew. I can't imagine him sitting holding his new-born son as I'm doing for Zara, but then, men didn't get involved with children- not until they could hold a conversation at least. I'm so glad I've got this chance now. If I'd lived, and found someone in my own time, that'd have been my own experience of being a father. This way - I've go so much more.

Buffy's clean, and she's scooted over in the bed to make room for me. I climb on beside her, returning Zara to her mother's arms. Within minutes, we're surrounded. Willow and Jenna are there, and Giles and Xander. They're all cooing and exclaiming with various levels of enthusiasm.

Suddenly, there's a shout - I don't catch the words, but the tension and fear in the tone are obvious. 

"It's them - they've been spotted on the road, about a mile away. We've got to evacuate."

All the lethargy I'd been experiencing as I contemplated my daughter and her mother is gone instantly, as I stand up. Buffy hands Zara to me, and gets to her feet. She's wearing some sort of surgical pyjama things, and she pushes her feet into her shoes. Dr. Chan doesn't object.

"You've got to get out of here," she insists. "Can you walk a short distance?" 

Buffy nods. 

"Follow Jake there," she points to a demon who looks to be a close relative of Clem. "He'll get you to your van. Get out of here. Wherever you go, take care," she adds, turning to go and check on Riley, who's still unconscious.

We do as she asked. I'm carrying Zara, and Xander and Giles have Buffy supported between them.

Within minutes, we're in the van, and Xander is pulling out of the hiding place. The last words of our guide are ringing in my ears.

"You should have a couple of minutes. The road here's pretty rough. Just head cross country. Avoid roads for a bit. We'll sweep out your tracks once you've gone."

"No need," Willow countered. "I'll see to that as we go."

Once we're all in the van, I notice that Jenna's got a bag I don't recognise.

"Things for the baby," someone said.

I open it, and find, as she said, some things for the baby. A couple of basic sleep-suits, and half a dozen nappies. Not going to keep us going for long.

The happiest day of my life, and it's been ruined by some stupid pseudo-military outfit. If I ever get my hands on the person responsible for all this, I swear I'll kill them, taking my time over every detail. 

My arm's around Buffy's shoulders, and I feel them shaking as tears overwhelm her. It's not fair. It's just not fair. We've got to do something - I'm not going to spend my daughter's life on the run. There's go tot be somewhere we can go - somewhere we'd be safe, but right now, I'm out of options.


	40. Chapter 40 Goodbye

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Chapter 40 - Goodbye

It's Jenna who has the idea. We've been driving for hours, keeping to back roads, and Willow's changed the glamour on the van regularly so that there's no continuity of recognition. When we finally stop, we're in the desert somewhere. We did stop off at a Wal-Mart - or at least Jenna got out and we picked her up later. Since she's the least likely to be recognised, she got the job of picking up some more basic supplies.

It's dark, and I'm sitting, with my back to a large rock, with Zara in my arms, nursing her. Spike's close, watching, almost hypnotised by the sight. He's absent-mindedly rubbing his palm, and I take his hand and look, embarrassed to see the healing marks where my fingernails did their best to cut his hands to ribbons.

He just shrugs, letting me know in a gesture that it's not important. Jenna approaches.

"I've been onto the coven, and they've agreed to help, if you agree."

I look up, not sure what she's suggesting.

"I'd have thought that the kind of mojo that'd get these Defenders off our backs might be a bit dark for your lot," Spike comments. 

"We can't help with that, at least, not right away."

"Well, what then?" I ask.

"They've agreed to grant you sanctuary."

"Who?" I ask. 

"All three of you. The coven's in a large estate in Devon in the south-west of England. There's a cottage in the grounds, not far from the main buildings. We can protect you there, keep you safe until things are better here."

"Not sure I like the idea of running," Spike complains.

I squeeze his hand. I know what he means. I'm the Slayer, and I don't run from a fight. But, this is different. Zara's the priority, and Spike or me feeling a bit put out is beside the point.

"Ok," I answer Jenna. "But how're we going to get there? They're bound to be watching airports."

"I've got agreement that we can teleport. The four of us. The energy usage is going to be huge, but the whole coven's agreed."

"Is it safe?" I ask.

"Nothing's guaranteed" she admits, "but it should be fine. And, it's safer than any other option you've got."

There's a pause then, before she adds, "There's one other thing. I'd be better, safer, if your friends didn't know where you are. If they agree, I'd like to alter their memories. They'll remember dropping you off at a small town somewhere."

She can see the hesitation on our faces, so she adds, "I'll leave you to talk about it."

I nod, and she leaves us, approaching Giles, I assume, to describe her plan.

There's a long silence, broken only by the sounds of our daughter feeding.

"We've got to do it," Spike says at last.

"I know, but .."

"Yeah," he agrees.

"I know Zara wasn't exactly planned, but once I knew about her, I imagined taking her home, to my home, spending time with my friends, her growing up with them around. This is .."

"Different," he finishes.

Zara's fallen asleep again while we were talking. I place her in the sleep bag Jenna got for her, and get up. Leaving Spike to watch her, I go to Jenna.

"We're going to take you up on your offer," I tell her. "Just give me a few minutes to say goodbye."

She nods, and immediately sets about preparing for her end of the teleport.

How do I say goodbye to these people? They've been a part of my life since, well, it seems like forever ago. The news of the plan has obviously been shared. Giles is cleaning his glasses, Xander's eyes are strangely glazed, and Willow's openly crying.

I go to Xander first. "Say goodbye to Anya for me," I manage through the lump in my throat. 

He nods, pulling me into a rough hug. Then I turn to Willow.

"Look after him," I ask, knowing that these two have been looking after each other for as long as they've been friends.

"I'll keep with the research," Willow offers. "Anything we can find out, we'll find it. Sooner or later, we'll find a way to stop the Defenders, or Blar or whoever we need to stop. You'll be home in no time."

She just managed that before the sobs overtook her. I can't watch her any more, or I'll start too. I turn to Giles.

"Take care, Buffy. As Willow said, we'll do all we can here. Hopefully it won't be long until you come home."

He's standing there so straight. It's no good, I've got to hug him. I do, and he responds, awkwardly at first, but then getting into it.

I drop my arms, then give Willow a hug too. When I turn, Spike's behind me, a sleeping Zara in his arms. He obviously doesn't know how to react, so I'm relieved when Giles holds out a hand to him. Spike shakes it, and finds that Xander's offering his hand too. When that hand-shake is over, Willow throws her arms round his neck, hugging him tight.

He looks embarrassed at the gesture, but I can see he's also pleased.

"Look after them," Giles demands. 

"I will," Spike promises, putting his arm around my shoulders.

Jenna interrupts just in time - things are threatening to get mushier.

"I'm ready," she tells us.

"Where do you want us?" Spike asks.

We're arranged to Jenna's satisfaction. Zara's in Spike's arms, and he and I are standing face to face. I'm holding onto him. It seems familiar, like the position we were in when we had to say goodbye to Dawn. And, I so didn't need to remember that right now. Jenna comes alongside us, putting an arm around both of us.

"The spell will actually come from the coven," she tells us. "They're using me as the target. You'll feel a tugging, then a lot of wind. Just hold on to each other, and you'll be fine."

We do that, holding on tight. I look down at my daughter, impressed that she can sleep through something so momentous. I raise my eyes, and find Spike's blue ones staring at me.

"Ready, Love?" he asks.

"As long as we're together," I answer him, pleased to note the small smile this comment elicits.

As Jenna predicted, we're suddenly enveloped in a wind, and then there's a tugging feeling. Everything goes black.

__

And so ends Two for Joy. Now, you didn't expect resolution, did you? There will be another part to this fic, not surprisingly called 'Three for a Girl'. It may take a while to appear, though. I want to finish my other WIP (which isn't posted at ff.net), and I've just started a post-Chosen fic which I'll probably start posting when I'm surer about exactly where it's going. One thing's for sure - having two WIPs at a time is more than enough for me.

As always, if you've reviewed or given me feedback otherwise, many thanks. If you haven't … now'd be a good time! And, if you're curious about my other WIP, you'll have to visit my site - http colon slash slash inspiredbyspike dot bravepages dot com slash . It's rated R, and it's called 'Seeking Vengeance'.

(And if you've wondering why I've written it like that, then it's because trying to put web addresses in stories on ff.net normally results in the chapter not loading.)

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